Lonely day

[NumbLotus]

On the days that H works, I feel free to come out of my room once he leaves (around 4pm).

It's a day off today. I avoid him unless he initiates contact with me, because I never know what I'm going to get. Today, it's nearly 6pm, he's been up since 3pm, haven't heard a peep from him.

It's a lonely day.

Now, I am not really trapped in my room. I know that. I have a choice. I can do whatever I want. But, I guess I have decided I would rather stay here than risk it.

The days get long and boring. I fill them up reding and watching stupid videos. It's not living life. I don't understand why he has no interest in living life.

No part of him says, I'd really like to get this done, or I'd like to have some fun, or at least take a walk.

He has a day off; in his position I would start my day asking myself what I wanted out of my day. His answer is nothing. Just to get through it I guess.

Ghis isn't living. This is waiting to die.

And I'm also not living. Why can't I pull myself together?

I don't have the energy to fight this.

It's a lonely day. Another lonely day. I'd be so much lonely if I were actually alone, because then I could stop waiting.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry about your lonely day, NumbLotus.  The emptiness and apathy you describe could be from depression.  Are you able to get treatment? (I know your husband could use treatment, too, but I realize that is his issue to deal with.)

[NumbLotus]

A couple of years ago I went to a therapy session, thought my Medicare would cover 80% of it, and got handed a bill for $150. Can't afford that even monthly much less weekly.

I've written here more than once trying to figure out what is stopping me from getting my act together, but so far no bolts of light ing have come out of the sky 

[Poison Ivy]

To the extent that "getting your act together" is within your control, not being able to afford health care (physical, mental, emotional) definitely is a barrier. I know that there are lots of other barriers for you, NumbLotus. I hope you can see a way to not blaming yourself for not being able to fix this problem that is not of your  making.

[NumbLotus]

Thank you, PI.

I'm okay, not so much blaming myself but facing the reality that only I can change my situation.

But I keep not being able to put my finger on precisely why my brain goes "no" or "why bother" when I think of things I should or would like to do.

Including basic things like leaving my room. When my H was in ogre mode that made a lot of sense. But while problems continue, THAT problem seems past, yet I seem to have not moved past it myself.

I think to myself, I could go do something, and my brain says "no" and "why bother."

Een confined to my room, I could do more productive things. I could clean in here, or do organizing - I've got files I should clean out, stuff like that. H sure isn't stopping me, even if I want to avoid him. Lots of things I can do n my little self imposed prison. But no. And I don't know why not.

[GettingOOTF]

Numblotus when I was married to my BPDxH my focus was almost exclusively on him and what I could do to avoid his blowups etc. I've been out of the relationship for a few years now and I see that I focused so much on him to avoid dealing with my own feelings and issues.

I don't think it's helpful to think of it in terms of "pulling yourself together". You are in a terrible situation and you have been in it for a long time. I don't want to make assumptions but it's likely you've been in this and similar for more time than not.

What do you think you can focus on in your life that will help you break free from this? For me a lot of it was being scared of being alone. I felt that what I had was better than what was out there. It took me many years to see this though.

I found it helpful to look at what I was  most unhappy with in my life. Not my relationship with my ex or my living situation but my relationship with myself. I thought I was ugly, unlovable, stupid and embarrassing to be around. I'm none of those things (well maybe a bit embarrassing at times). Acknowledging that I thought those things about myself helped me to see that I wasn't those things which gave me the strength to take action to change my situation.

Something is holding you back.  You can figure this out without therapy. Yes it's probably easier without therapy, but it's not essential.

I don't think you need to pull yourself together. It's not like you need to take a shower, get dressed and go buy groceries.   It's much harder work that that.

For me it was acknowledging my role in how I ended up where I was. I got there through reading. I've posted a ton about Codependent  No More and how that really resonated with me. That may not be your "trigger" to healing but there's one out there for you. Your situation isn't hopeless, but your husband is not going to change for the better and you deserve to live a life with some hope and happiness.

I hope you find this helpful and inspiring.

[NumbLotus]

Thank you so much, GOOTF. Having these thoughts and auestions can maybe help me dislodge my usual thought patterns that so far just go round.

Right nkw my focus is pretty much entirely on trying to distract myself from the emptiness, trying to numb my brain so the day passes by, and if I'm not distracted I am just going round like a rat in a cage trying to figure out a way out.

I have nkthing I'm working on or looking forward to, and this is protective but I'm not sure why. I feel that any effirt I expend will be wasted and I don't know why. It's not low self esteem, it's something to do with H but I'm nit sure what. It's easy to blame him for my life being stuck and I do have reason to complain but I'm not sure I can justify how stuck I feel. Even if I want to avoid him, I have hours a day while he sleeps, plus things I can do in my room.

Yeah, I've been in a bad place since 2016, not that it was totally peachy before that but our lives were more normal before. So it's been a long time since things went to hell.

If not pulling myself together, then what? The only thing that can change is me.  I seem to be just waiting. Not for my H to change, I have NO hope of that whatsoever. Maybe for either my DD to fly the nest (many years from now, can I make it that long??) or something to happen externally to force my hand in some way.

"What do you think you can focus on in your life that will help you break free from this? For me a lot of it was being scared of being alone."

It's probably odd but I'm not scared of being alone. I'm really okay with that. But I'm not sure about your question. My priority is my DD, hands down. I stay because I think seperation would be more traumatic than our current situation for a number of reasons.

But DD deserves a functional mother. I'm emotionally functional. I'll give myself a freaking award for emotional functionality now (not always). DD can trust that I'll always be calm, always look out for her.

I read and watch things about kids and try to be a better parent, so I guess I am working on that, but a good parent doesn't hide in her room all day and not live life. Life is meant to be lived, and she is growing up in incredible dysfunction. Fortunately she does have school and another family that takes her to ghe mall and stuff that ordinary people do.

What I am unhappy about myself is that I am not productive in any way beyond being a warm body in the house so DD is not alone. I used to have interests and hopes and dreams and goals. Now they are all gone. And they are not safe to have. Anything I can think of, I can tell you is NOT posssible. Not fixing up the house, not travel, not career goals.

You know, some of the things I need to do ARE simple. Like I need to clean the damn house. But I feel like my energy is so limited and the job is a failure before I begin. I could kill myself and get nowhere or I could just accept it and watching stupid YouTube.

I'm not totally sure hiw I got here but I'm not sure it's important in my case, at least now. I can't imagine myself in another relationship, and if that changes I'll do the work then. I think H's PD is relatively mild and was just worsened by illness, which I didn't contribute to. It was a bad roll of the dice. I do know I have an urge to be "helpful" to people, love the idea of swooping in and helping someone out, which I know isn't great on a number of levels. Probably my mom praised me too much for the crap that came out of my mouth as a child, sigh. But it's neither here nor there right now.

Maybe it's.. maybe I just feel like my hopes are all dead. So fucking what if I clean out this fucking file drawer? My life is still shit. I think of little goals, but who cares? Yay, I vacuumed, whoop de doo. It'll just get undone and I'm still nowhere. My house is only getting worse. My vision is only getting worse. My financial situation is going to take a dire turn in three years and I have literally no idea how I'm going to deal with it and while I'd like to, say, start saving now, I already have to take money out of savings to pay all the bills (thankfully I pay it back with tax return but still - getting NOWHERE). I'm in my 40s, most middle class people start getting ahead by this time. We lost a lot of earning power on disability for me and mental illness for H. I started off my adult life with a very promising career.

I scrimped and saved and waited to catch up so some day we could fix up our modest little house, do a little travelling, buy some experiences like concerts and theater. But the house is falling down as neither H nor I can maintain it or afford to have it done. H dreads running to the corner store for milk much less TRAVEL. He has no enjoyment of life, so much for sharing a modest little life doing the simple pleasures like going for a walk together.

So I guess that's it. Nothing I can think of doing is worth doing. I don't WANT to busy myself with bullshit that doesn't matter. I DON'T WANNA. I don't want to PRETEND it's okay. If the important stuff could maybe happen, then sure, my file drawer could be worth it.

It's like cleaning the deck of a sinking ship. Worth doing to a seaworthy vessel, an utter waste to one going down.

[NumbLotus]

Another day. 5pm. No sign of him.

This part is off topic but I hope it's okay because PD, while unrelated, is also a major complicating factor - like dealing with elderly parents, maybe.

I still wonder about dementia. He is just so checked out. It's hard to remember but he used to care about so many things, me and DD among them. He says "that's great" or whatever sounds appropriate but you can tell he's barely thinking about the good news I or DD may have shared. Just phoning it in.

I found over the weekend a little pile of slips where the post office tried to deliver something, I guess for signature. It says to go to the post office to pick it up. I think the first one was a couple of weeks ago. He has all the time in the world to pick it up. It's very close and convenient. He could even just leave 10 minutes early to pick up DD from school and just swing by on the way.

It doesn't seem to be on his mind at all. He has nit made any plans to get it. I finally asked yesterday about it. He said "oh yeah, I dunno they probably sent it back already" - said in an irritated way, like why can't a guy catch a damn break? Nokicking himself for letting it go two weeks.

Furthermore, still no plans. He didn't say "well I guess I'll go tomorrow." Just complaining it was lrobably gone. So I eventually asked if he planned to go and he said "I guess so, hipefully it's still there." And I did not hear any resolve, like "yes this will happen" just a shrug.

Okay... "Do you know what it is?" "No."

Is there anything you ordered that you're still waiting for? "I don't know." No interest. Nothing.

So at this moment it's 5:06pm and he's still asleep. It's past ghe deadline, he could never pull this extremely simple task together, and we don't know how big of a deal it was.

This strikes me as utterly bizarre, and it makes me want to cry because this is a microcosm of our luves now. H just isn't there anymore.

My father has dementia and I see the same kind of checked-out stuff from him. And it's not my father but dementia. My father had a dog who hung the moon, he lived that dog so much. As his dementia progressed, he stopped caring, and when the dog died, he didn't care enough to stop watching tv for 5 minutes to step out the back door to say a word when the dog was buried. My mom asked and he was all "nah." It wasn't him, though.

My H can carry on a normal conversation and if you met him you'd notice nothing. But he's gone, lost in space, drifting away, doesn't care about a thing except his own tiny little world.

5:16, I just heard him get up for the day. Fml.

[NumbLotus]

Another weird thing - again, I know I'm off tolic and I am looking for a dementia forum but having no luck so far - is yesterday, when I DRAGGED H out on a lovely day, we too the dog to the dog park because she is utterly neglected. A couple with another dog asked how old ours was. H said "4... or I guess 4 1/2 now."

She was 4 years old when we adopted her. In 2016.

Now, H has always had a poor sense of time and numbers. I'm not surprised he didn't know her exact age. If he said 6 or 7, I could see that.

But 4? I was surprised. I brought it up later, as lightly as possible. I said "oh you said she was 4, but she was 4 when we got her." "Yeah, so how long ago was that?" "3 1/2 years ago." "Really?" "Yeah, did it feel like we just got her?" "Yeah."

So this made me think that he really was thinking we got her just this past fall. And the other 3 years are kind of gone for him.

Also, fwiw he doesn't really react to these gaps. It's not like "omg how could I have been so far off?" It's just a shrug.

[Poison Ivy]

NumbLotus, try the following:  https://www.agingcare.com/caregiver-forum.  I realize that you are not, strictly speaking, a caregiver, but I think you'll find very useful information at the forum anyway.

[NumbLotus]

Hey, thanks, that looks active. I am definitely in the caregiver position as opposed to the patient or a health care worker, so yeah this is what I was looking for.

[tragedy or hope]

NumbLotus,
I feel your sad despair from your words. If you can't go anywhere, would you try an online meeting of Al Anon? It is for friends and families who are bothered by other peoples drinking, but what is offered there is love and hope for anyone willing to try the program. Just type Al Anon family groups and you can find something near you no matter where you are in the world.

So if you even know someone whose drinking you don't like, you can step right into a meeting and belong. you can also just try a meeting to see if you get some positive help without spending a dime. Many therapists send clients to Al Anon. This is where you can determine your own growth. There are people there who have been there and will offer help and hope.

Go to the website and read about the program. It may be of help to you.

There are many online meetings and some are even email. We need each other. Isolation in a problem can be deadly. It's a bad neighborhood for me to go into in my head alone. I am learning to take the focus off of others and place it where I do have some control, over my own life.

Just as you say, freedom from his presence seems to make you feel better. I relish my alone time. I do only for me, whatever I feel like and I work on what I want for myself. If no one else will love me the way I want, I will!

[NumbLotus]

Al-Anon is an interesting idea for support, thanks. I may check that out.

Right now I am sick My town has an outbreak. I had a confirmed case of flu in January so it's not the flu. Not going to ask for a test, though, they won't waste one on me.