When we "win" just by being good people

[Penny Lane]

You get so few outright victories with a PD, and no one else really understand what a victory this was. I'm feeling especially good that this one was 100% us doing the right thing, combined with BM acting awful.

So. BM was under the impression that we had friends in town (it was a misunderstanding, long story). She also had recently (like in the last week) turned down TWO requests from DH that would have allowed the kids to spend a little extra time with each of our families.

She sends him a message asking him to "let" the kids go to an event with some of her boyfriend's friends we'd never heard of before. She sent the message with VERY little time to prepare. I'm certain that she was expecting DH to say no, she would tell the kids they missed the best thing ever and tell all the boyfriend's friends that her terrible ex husband kept the kids from the event and how sad the kids were about it.

Instead! We had no plans, the kids wanted to go, we said sure! DH contacted the people, RSVP'ed, BM got what she wanted, right?

Nope, she lost her mind. Half a dozen messages about how mad she was and how inappropriately he was handling this. This, again, is DOING THE THING THAT SHE ASKED HIM TO DO.

He took the kids, made polite small talk with the other parents. BM showed up, without her boyfriend, it turned out she clearly didn't know ANYONE there very well if at all. DH talked to them more than she did. BM tried to engage the kids and do her whole manipulative thing (night wouldn't be ruined if the kids came home mad at us, right?) The kids were much more interested in hanging out with the other kids. She finally left in a huff. Several people thanked DH for bringing the kids - to the point where it became clear she had really made a big of how he definitely would never let them attend.

The kids had a great time. BM was clearly FURIOUS. Our night went fine. My guess is that she won't be asking DH to take the kids to stuff during his parenting time (which has been an on and off frustration for years) ever again. My guess is also that BM's boyfriend's friends might have noticed that there's a pretty major discrepancy in how she describes the situation vs what they actually saw.

Basically, she tried to trap DH. He trapped her back, except that it wasn't a trap it was literally just being a good parent. And she was mad but she couldn't REALLY complain because he had done exactly what she (ostensibly) wanted! I'm gonna take this victory.

[NumbLotus]

Rats! Foiled again!

That's hilarious.

[athene1399]

That is funny. I feel like last time she tried this it didn't work out (if I am remembering correctly. It was something sort of similar where DH said okay to what she asked and then she was not pleased). You guys just aren't cooperating when she's trying to set you up. lol  In all seriousness, good job always putting the kids first and making things work for them. They still had a good night because of you and DH. And now more people probably know that BM isn't being honest when she describes DH. I feel there are two wins here: the kids had fun, and BM's true color were revealed. Sorry you had to deal with her losing her mind again, but maybe BM'll stop asking for the kids to do something when she really wants DH to say no.

[Christy22]

OMG I love it!!! 

[Free2Bme]

PL,
Thanks for the grins.

I count this is a victory for all who live in PD-land !

[pushit]

That's awesome, sometimes it feels so easy, right?     Just being a healthy adult brings so many victories. 

I can share one for the fun of it.  I wrote on here recently about how my exPDw talked S4 out of soccer and basketball and now he "only wants to do ballet".  I'm just letting it play out.  A few weeks ago it was parent observation night at ballet, I went back and forth about attending his class because part of me was upset about the fact that she manipulated him into it.  I realized it's about him and not exPDw, and he's enjoying it right now, so of course I will go.  He was beyond ecstatic that I showed up, proclaiming to mom that "Daddy comed, Daddy comed!!"     exPDw was not happy, but that's her problem.  It was fun, and I shared some laughs and smiles with the other parents near me. 

The icing on the cake was that I think some of the ballet teachers had been told I won't allow him to do ballet on my nights, so they had been cold to me.  Well, after the class was over I gave little buddy a big hug and told him I was so proud of him, right in front of the teacher.  Guess what?  They've been nice to me ever since, all it took was being a supportive dad like normal and letting others see that side of it.

[Penny Lane]

Thanks everyone! It's nice to know that others understand what a big win this was, for us AND for the kids.

It's amazing how many of BM's "traps" we/DH can avoid just by not acting how she would act in a similar situation. Her behavior so often seems designed to draw us/him down to her level. It's almost like she can't CONCEIVE of anyone not doing what she would do (be petty) and wants to force him to prove that he's as bad as she is. She thought she was giving H a choice between ceding hours of parenting time to her, or not "allowing" the kids to go. And ultimately, she didn't want the parenting time - she wanted to be able to tell the kids and the bf's friends that DH didn't let the kids go. That's why she asked at the last minute when she knew (or thought she knew) that we had other plans. She didn't realize there was a third choice, and it was a reasonable one: Let the kids go but under his supervision, not hers. She would never in one million years come to my friends' party to supervise the kids, so she couldn't even imagine that DH would be willing to do that. Obviously it was a little awkward but honestly everyone at a kid event is their for their kids, not to make best friends with the other parents, you know?

I think in part she was trying to justify to herself why she didn't let the kids spend time with our friends and family. But this did the opposite - it showed that when the situation is reversed, DH will take the high road and do what's best for the kids. And it feels good to know that on our end too! When we have every reason to be petty, we still can take a step back and make the right decision.

The fact that BM was so mad that DH did exactly what she asked is astounding until you realize that her true motivations were always to trap DH, and she was trying to create a no-win situation for him. I want to say that the madder that BM is, the more we know we're hitting the nail on the head. Like the thing she was most mad about was that DH was contacting the hosts directly, which made us pretty certain that her goal was ultimately triangulating DH and everyone else.

pushit, I'm so happy to hear this! It's the same deal.  It's harder than it seems to step out of it and you did a great job! I really understand the instinct to push back against an activity because BM is pushing so hard for it, and she makes such bad decisions. But the reality is, just because she wants something doesn't ALWAYS mean it's a bad idea (just usually). And if you can go along with a smile and be loving toward the kids, that does tons of damage to her narrative about you. I'm so glad you could support your son AND disrupt your ex's attempt to triangulate you with the teachers.

athene, there have definitely been other situations where BM tried to give DH two choices and he said nah I'll do what you want but I'll do it my way. I can't remember this happening at a time when it didn't hurt the kids at all, or when the victory was so satisfying.

[NumbLotus]

This is maybe an example illustrating the problem that many people with PD parents have with the general population, including those who are well meaning, who don't understand personality disorders.

Unless one has some life experience contradicting this, almost all of us assume people are rational unless they are talking about aliens and the FBi and such.

When we hear that someone is avoiding contact with a relative, humans assume it's something that can be worked out. Those involved just need to communicate and see each other's points of view, reach a compromise, make apologies, etc.

But not everybody is rational, and very few people understand this.

It's not rational to create a situation for your child to be disappointed and upset.

It's not rational to tell lies and misrepresentations to fellow parents in the community.

It's not rational to believe another parent will ruin a child's night to spite them.

And yet.

[Stepping lightly]

Hi PL,

I love this!  Maybe it's not the right way to think of it, but for these occurrences I tell DH "a swing and a miss!"  We have had occurrences where she tries to put us in a bad situation, and we reacted differently than expected and it actually worked out better for us.   One time BM took the liberty of signing DH up to bring snacks for the team to a sporting event.  My reaction was "she'll be there, why isn't she signing herself up for snack duty?"  We just rolled with it, DH brought lots of snacks.....and it ended up giving as a great opportunity to meet the other parents and get to know them.  This ultimately eased our fears of being at some of these events (this was during the height of getting screamed at publicly on a daily basis) because we could sit surrounded by kind people that we had now gotten to know a bit.  It also prevented the bad mouthing, because BM didn't chat with these people other than the snide off comments she might throw about DH.

[Penny Lane]

It's not rational to create a situation for your child to be disappointed and upset.

It's not rational to tell lies and misrepresentations to fellow parents in the community.

It's not rational to believe another parent will ruin a child's night to spite them.

And yet.

Yes! This is why no one really believes me until they've seen it or are familiar with PDs. It's so much easier to believe that I have a grudge against my husband's ex wife than to believe that a mom would work so hard against her own children's interests. Even my friends who have seen her operate like this for YEARS have a hard time grasping how awful she can be and how little she is willing to do for her children.

SL, yes, this is exactly like that. I love that your DH got to know other parents through it, and it is soooo nice to know someone other than BM at events.

After this incident, we had weeks of BM-free bliss as she ignored everything DH sent her and didn't send anything to him. We think she was embarrassed/humiliated/furious (again, HE DID EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTED) and couldn't bring herself to talk to him. Unfortunately that period has ended with a long message about how it's DH's fault that they don't communicate well. Oh well, all good things have to come to an end, I guess.