PT Interviews

[Associate of Daniel]

I don't think he's noticing anything yet really.

He's always behaved differently towards me when we're with the pds.  I take it to be that he feels he has to portray  to them that he has a bad relationship with me. That he agrees with them about all the lies they're feeding him about me.

But he's back to his usual beautiful self tonight, thankfully. He's such a wonderful young teenager.

Yesterday's interviews were yet another occasion where I constantly strategise to avoid the pds.

You know, find poles or bookshelves to hide behind, sit as far away from them as possible, try not to talk too loud to others in case the pds hear you, seat yourself or stand at certain angles so that you know where they are but they can't see you.

It's sad. Pathetic, when looked at by outsiders. But an unfortunate necessity in my case. Am I the only one who does these things?

Anyway,  a couple of the teachers yesterday expressed surprise and confusion when I told them ds would be attending the interviews with his uNPD smum.

And what annoyed me was that I had forgotten that anyone would be surprised. I'm so used to her attending his medical appointments, with or without me, that it's become the norm.

It's so wrong.

I don't think I'll go to any more of the official  PT interviews, unless by some miracle ds says he wants to go with me and not her.

I'll just stay in touch with the teachers by email/phone etc..

Besides, I can't afford to lose a day's pay each time the interviews take place.

AOD

[Stepping lightly]

AoD,

You continue to amaze me with how strong you are dealing with this very difficult situation. 

Since you son is a teenager, what do you think about some light conversations with him about what is going on?  Like the issue with his name, I know you've addressed this with him, but it is always nice to check back in, "sMum mentioned again that you don't like the name  I call you, last time we chatted you were ok with it, just want to make sure that is still the case", "any idea why sMum feels you don't like it?".    I also wonder if you can tactfully say something about the fact that you WANT to be doing all these things for him, but sMum has basically shoved you aside where she can, like "I hope you know that I do enjoy doing these activities with you, but I am trying to be sensitive to everyone's feelings and make things as easy as I can for you.  If there is ever a time you want me to step in, I will do it, but I don't want to put you in an uncomfortable position if it isn't important to you".   

"You know, find poles or bookshelves to hide behind, sit as far away from them as possible, try not to talk too loud to others in case the pds hear you, seat yourself or stand at certain angles so that you know where they are but they can't see you."
YES- we know this feeling well!  UGH!  DSS has been playing a sport at the same  facility for a couple years now, DH and I literally have a path we walk that we know gives us the lowest chance of coming face to face with BM/BF.  I refuse to use the bathroom, as she has followed me in before, and we are very careful not to park our car near theirs.    DH and I don't leave the other alone so we aren't left vulnerable to BM.  What makes me crazy, she accuses DH of having abused HER (and professionals believe her!), yet we are the one with the PTSD behaviors from her documented emotional torture of us.

[sevenyears]

AOD - I'm glad to hear that your son is doing well at school. that's the most important thing. And, it sounds like you handled the interviews swimmingly - well done! Those were difficult circumstances for anyone. Can you follow up with your son and let him know that you're proud of him? The name thing was kinda weird though. Your son is old enough to tell you whether it's still ok to call him a term of endearment or not (both my kids did at 3 and 6). Or, could you ask him how he feels? He's growing up, so is it ok to keep calling him pet names in public, or between the two of you? That shows you want something special between the two of you, but you realize he's growing up and you want to support him.

[hhaw]

The PD and his wife are all about jerking your chain and exerting power over you.

Ignore them.  Focus on you, your son and strengthening that connection.

Have FUN being the calm, consistent parent while the PDs chop wood and carry water with school and activities. 

Maybe playing the fun weekend mom will end up feeling really nice IF you can get out of the PD's reach.... poking at you all the time... trying to control how you feel.... what you do and say around ds.  That's got to end... even if it's YOU getting your nose off that pebble to see the entire field around you.  Gain some emotional distance around it. 

These are the last years before ds hits hs and grows into a man.  Dream of everything you want to DO with him at this age NOW.

What will you do with the time you have with ds?

[Stepping lightly]

I love what HHAW said- it really is an important shift in focus.

We had to do this, and it takes effort to maintain the focus.  I know we are what BM/BF would call "Disney parents", but that's all she left us with.  We WANT to do the day to day school, activities, decision making; but BM forced that away from DH.    So, we are left with EOW, holidays and a chunk during the summer.  We make the most of it.  We actually are pretty open about this with the kids too, "We don't have as much time with you as we'd like, so the time we do have, we want to make as many memories as possible".  We are happy to step in wherever needed for the kids, but BM has blocked it all.....so we let go of what we can't control and we have taken hold of what we can control.

We have honestly let go of a lot of things, and it really does help our sanity.  We support the kids where we can, but we aren't on the constant path of freaking out about every misstep from BM.  She makes a lot, but she always has and the courts still saw fit to give her full custody.  Things like BM not getting DSS to school on time, and then refusing to sign him in at the front desk which causes him to get detention all the time.  It sucks for DSS, and when we take him to school...we are 100% on time.  BM will even dump him out dangerously in the middle of the car pool line so she can leave quicker.  DSS is in middle school, he has amazing coping skills, and sadly....there isn't much we can do about BM's behavior.  SO...we create the soft landing place for the kids.  We are the island in the middle of the storm.   

[hhaw]

AOD:

I have to apologize for telling you what to do.  I had a lot of people telling me I had to get over it, get past it, get on with my life and it all meant nothing, bc I didn't know how to do it. 


I wanted to.  I tried to.  The more I thought about it the harder it got.

The truth is I had to find someone to teach me.....  Help me learn and instruct me how to gain control of my biology, which was completely hijacked and saturated by years of fear and dealing with pd crazy aimed at me and my kids.  That part is the normal part.... SEEING that for so long to the exclusion of much else.  Figuring out how to get our nose OFF THAT PEBBLE is something we learn to do.  We can't just DO IT, IME. Esp when the upset is ongoin in our lives... particularly if it involves our children, IME.

A good Trauma informed T, maybe one using EMDR, can help you figure that piece out and things get easier from there, IME,

I so wish the very best for you and your ds, AOD.

[Associate of Daniel]

No offence taken, Hhaw and your input is very much valued, as is everyone else's.  Thanks, everyone!

I just want to generally respond to everyone that I am not letting the pt interview situation consume me. Or any of the ongoing dramas, in fact.

I do have my days but generally I'm at a place of radical acceptance about the whole family dynamic.  Other people are more incensed about my lot than I am.

Your concern for me is  much appreciated but I'm ok.

Your responses to this thread have given me food for thought regarding how I deal with the school and teachers though.  So many thanks.

AOD

[Stepping lightly]

In reference to what HHAW said, I agree.  I have found that sometimes doing things in baby steps helps you get to the goal you are wanting to achieve. 

A big part for me/DH is not talking about BM with each other.  Don't talk about her, don't think about her.  The less you talk/think about her, the more time you have to think about good things.  It's really hard to get out of the habit of doing it, it's been a survival tactic for so long.  My first step was not talking about her when I met up with friends, I would tell them, "we didn't invite her to sit at the table with us".  This forces you to talk about everything else, focus on everything else that is not her/them.  After awhile, the anxiety does start to come down a bit....it takes a long time.  I have found I don't physically shake with anxiety around BM anymore.  It was something that one day, I realized and said to DH, "I don't feel as scared here as I used to"...and he said, "me too".  Now...to be fair...she has stopped screaming in our faces when we see her...and we have NC....but....it all started with baby steps.