When self-work contributes to denial

[Stillirise]

I didn't want to hijack sweetbriar's thread, but it had me thinking.  I started reflecting on how I got here.

Early on, I saw red flags with uPDh, but we were young, and I was carefree and reckless with my own words and actions.  Later, when my FOO began showing it's crazy (less PD, and more old-fashioned dysfunctional), my uPDh was unsupportive, highly critical, and directly told me he couldn't handle the chaos. I excused and enabled this lack of emotional support, and dove head-first into my career, making my own destiny, fixing myself first, etc.  I spent years working on me, because that's what everyone said a person has to do.  Even after 1.5 years in therapy, I had no idea about PD's, little understanding of boundaries, or anything else we regularly discuss here.  I allowed myself to believe the issues between me and uPDh were due to his immaturity and my inability to properly handle adversity.  If something he said or did bothered me, it was up to me to rise above it.  I wasn't trying to fix him exactly, but admit I was guilty of thinking of myself as emotionally superior and mentally stronger than him.  He had his burdens and I had mine. I could take anything anyone could dish out.

We muddled though in this manner until we had children.  That is when my self-actualized, determining my own destiny, thoughts are reality, I'm stronger than my problems mentality broke down.  I'd been in denial. I didn't have a marital partnership at all.  I couldn't count on this person to offer emotional or physical support when things got tough.  Instead, I got more criticism, undermining, and belittling.  I was on unfamiliar ground with my physical health, and with the mental and emotional roller coaster that is being a new parent, and stepping back from my career.  I allowed him to rock the foundation of my belief that I could overcome anything with enough mental toughness.  Once he smelled weakness, I was like a wounded animal in shark-infested waters.

Some dark times followed, and I finally ended up here. As the FOG lifted, I have begun to try and regain some of that old tough mental attitude.  However, I have become painfully aware that focusing too much on self-work, without setting expectations for others, can lead to me accepting extremely toxic behaviors.  I'm hoping I can successfully take parts of the old me, add some strong boundaries, and move forward.   

Thanks for giving me the space to lay this timeline out there. It really does help.

[notrightinthehead]

Great self reflection.

[Poison Ivy]

During my divorce, my then-husband, per his typical behavior, was not responding to communications from me, and sometimes not even ones from the court.  One of my relatives told me that I should bend over backwards to make the process easier for my husband.  I told the relative that I had spent years twisting myself into pretzel shapes to make things easier for my husband and I didn't want to keep doing so.  It wasn't good for me, and it had no effect on my husband. 

[Stillirise]

Notrightinthehead, thank you for your encouragement and validation.

Yes, Poison Ivy, I am also struggling with this one.  I, of course, want to do everything I can that is in the best interest of our children.  One minute,  I make up my mind that living in a toxic home is worse than separating.  Then, I get a couple family members saying maybe I could find a way to stick it out, and make it seem workable until the kids are older.  They add they would be supportive of me no matter what, but then I start waffling what to do all over again.

Also, uPDh would love for me to do the hard work of moving out and filing for divorce, while he sits back and plays the unwilling victim.  He's already been laying the groundwork, by gaslighting friends and family, to have them believe I have been laying a trap for him all along.  I'm trying to take advantage of his hard work, while he's just tried to do everything he can to make me happy. 

[blahblah]

I understand the original post, but for me, creating healthy boundaries is a foundational pillar of working on yourself. Without that, nothing works.
For me at least.

Me getting to know my boundaries had allowed me to expand my self worth a billion times.

Just my two cents:)

And what you are going through, sound awful. I completely know where you are coming from.