When you haven't done anything..

Started by Phoenix Rising, March 04, 2020, 03:15:57 PM

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Phoenix Rising

DH is coming Out of the FOG slowly about MIL, on his own. A lot less of the invalidating statements and more sharing of things MIL has done to him, recognizing his FOO, triangulation, blaming, etc.

After talking to BIL today, he concluded that MIL intentionally ruined the birthday plans and that she manipulated the hell out of everyone involved (e.g. using FIL as a flying monkey, using BILW and her own behaviours and illnesses to provoke/control). 

He also thinks that she may be jealous of our relationship or how nice everyone else is to me (e.g. FIL apparently shows more acts of kindness towards us than her), unhappy with BOTH of us coming back to his home country to live, "driving  a wedge" between us.. I know it's been pretty awful for him right now, I'm also feeling quite disappointed by FIL the most because it seems so out of his character.

I'm wondering if any of you have ILs who have suddenly set their sights on you? Is this common? DH has speculated on some theories but they make little sense to me in some ways (the possibilities make a lot of sense at the same time) and honestly, I haven't done anything to her. DH/I are getting the silent treatment from both MIL and FIL. We live 10 mins away from them, compared to having been a country apart for 1.5 years... DH/FIL had plans to do things together and now nothing so it's really odd.

Thoughts?
And here you are living despite it all..

Know this: the person who did this to you is broken. Not you... I will not watch you collapse

Leonor

Hi Ingenting,

Of course you haven't "done anything" to deserve this treatment from your ILs. Besides having a birthday, of course.

I'm only half-joking. You were born, and you married your dh, and now you are the best friend / closest partner / object of affection and attention from your dh. As well you should be!

But your mil is unhealthy and she has made your dh the "man in her life". She is perceiving you as a threat. That's why her focus is on you and not anyone else in the family. It's not about you, or about what you've done -- it's about her abuse of your dh. And now you interfere with her ability to abuse her son. So she will abuse you: demean you, manipulate you, dismiss you ... because then you might "go away" and she can continue to abuse her adult son.

She is disordered, and she has partnered herself with a man who is disordered. A strong, ethical, healthy man will not partner with an abusive woman. Your FIL does not do things "out of character". Your FIL does not have a character -- he is dominated by his wife. He cannot protect himself, he cannot protect his son (your dh) and he certainly is incapable of protecting you. In fact, protecting his son or his son's wife is not in his best interests, because that would mean he stood up to his wife.

This is a very difficult situation for everyone, including dh. He has been living this nightmare since he was a child, and it is horrifying for a child to allow himself to be aware that something is wrong with mommy. It's darn near impossible when everyone in the family is not only ignoring the abuse of the child, but actually pushing the child into the abusive situation because they'd rather sacrifice him than stand up to mom.

The silver lining in all of this, though, is that your dh did choose you. He found you, he fell in love with you, he committed to spending the rest of his life with you. That means that there is a desire for health and wellness and recovery and moving forward in his life as an adult man. If you can hold on to all that is precious and strong and good between you, then that embrace will keep you two upright through the stormy times ahead.

Phoenix Rising

Haha  :tongue2: I appreciate the humour and the response, thank you.

What you wrote is probably the most sense that I could get from the situation. It saddens me that DH and I have come to the realization that something is wrong. It has kind of gone beyond me, in the sense that I received poor treatment from MIL, now I find more than ever that DH needs my support. I think his world has been shaken as everything he knew about his parents is not as healthy or normal as he believed. I think you are right about us staying united in our love. It gives me hope that we can get through this together

And here you are living despite it all..

Know this: the person who did this to you is broken. Not you... I will not watch you collapse