Just went NC with NPD Dad and I am struggling

[scampbell]

Last week I had the conversation with my dad that I'd known was coming and been putting off since I was 12 years old. I'm 22 now, and I finally reached a point in my life through personal growth and therapy when I realized I can't compromise my values, my health, my very self just to preserve this superficial mockery of a father-daughter relationship. To be clear, I love my dad and we have fond memories. But I also know that he is a monster, capable of terrible and cruel things. As the Golden Child, I seldom received the brunt of his negative behaviors. But I have still suffered immensely at his hands through emotional and mental abuse and neglect.

So last week on the phone we had this conversation, and I told him not to speak to me until I reach out and until I am ready. I don't see this as the end of the road for my dad and me, but I have drawn a line in the sand and said things I cannot take back that will forever exist between us. I feel like I am grieving, like I am mourning. I am sad and heartbroken and angry and ashamed and feel guilty and relieved and all of these contradicting emotions all at once. I feel so sad for my dad, for myself and what he took from me. More than anything, I am so deeply sad that I cannot put it into words. I miss him, and I go through my day and see things that I would normally send to him because I know he'd love it or find it funny. But I can't do that anymore, I've chosen not to do that for the time being and I have to live with it. But each time I see his name or something that reminds me of him, it feels like someone is twisting the knife in my heart just a little more. It's almost unbearable.

[_apparentlywicked]

Hi scamp. It's horrendous isn't it but you're in the eye of the storm. What you'll find is your unconscious will bring things up that it wants you to address. I've had specific memories, hurts that I had buried and denied. Largely because he demanded that I ignore the reality of what our life was like and how abusive he was.

The place you're at now is temporary and you get to decide when you're ready to make any decisions, and that may be never or next week, but you have the power now.

Speak gently and lovingly to yourself and validate and sit with those feelings. Don't push them away. Those feelings show that you're doing some deep work that will help you come to terms with what your truth is.

❤️❤️


It's ridiculous because I know what you mean. My head contains so many contradictory feelings. He's been a monster to me but I still wish I could tell him about stuff I'm so proud of that my dcs do but I can't. And he'd never appreciate it in the way I want him to anyway.

[Maxtrem]

My cousin had a similar experience with her NDP father. She took him out of her life after yet another devaluation that he dared to say in front of my cousin's children. She always knew she did the right thing, but she always had a slight feeling of guilt. Her father died recently and she feels guilty for depriving him of his grandchildren. Coming out of guilt can be difficult, but you have to choose yourself to be happy and change has to come from us, the chances of change coming from people with a PD are very low.

[scampbell]

Thank you both for sharing -- your words helped me a lot while I was feeling very low, and I will be rereading them when my emotions overwhelm me again. I have learned that the best thing to do is to feel every emotion and not try to shy away from it or mask it with the myriad distractions available to use in every day life. It hurts like hell but I know it's the only way through. Thank you. I'm so glad I discovered this space.

[_apparentlywicked]

Me too scamp. I don't think I could have found the inner strength to ignore even one of dad's voicemails let alone all of them for 10 weeks now if it hadn't been for the people on this forum and other resources online. I think I read somewhere about the internet bringing the first generation to educate themselves more fully about abusive patents. I like to think as time goes on people will be able to get Out of the FOG sooner.

[SpunHead13]

Hi Scampbell, What you are doing through sounds really familiar. The torrent of emotions does settle down and it will get easier. This is a hard time and I wish it was easier. You can get through it. And you will get through it.