When they are not well

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11JB68

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When they are not well
« on: March 04, 2020, 10:15:18 PM »
Has anyone here initiated a divorce, or been in the midst of one, when SO had a serious health issue?
I feel like uOCPDh's recent heart attack was sort of a wake up call for me.
I'm realizing how little love there is here. Both directions.
But then I think, what kind of person would leave a spouse who just suffered a heart attack?
I was worried before about hurting him, about how he would react if I left etc. Today I was thinking how he really refuses to care for himself. Wants me to do it all. If I weren't here I doubt he would take his meds, go to the Dr, eat right etc.

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Rose1

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Re: When they are not well
« Reply #1 on: March 05, 2020, 02:30:48 AM »
 My exbpdh left when I was unwell but tells everyone it was the other way round. For the last 25plus years to anyone who will  listen. So I don't think it would matter, he's going to do it anyway.

Ex left at a time when he was losing the plot, not bathing, answering the door in underpants, all the classy stuff. Drinking etc.

Within 6 months of me refusing to have him back he was at the gym and losing weight, buying toys (with the child support I didn't get) and generally living his "she left me and took me for everything I had so I am doing all the things I always wanted to do" life.

Surprised me. He didn't keep it going but did find a new batch of friends/victims who did things for him. His father was 80 plus at the time and used to come and mow his lawn. Ex remarried some 13 years ago and still does as he pleases. Has no relationship with his kids.

What I'm trying to say is they bad mouth you anyway and seem to find support people for a while.

Advice to me from his doctor, you are not responsible for him if he falls through the cracks, you are only responsible for your actions so make sure you can lie straight in bed at night. Best advice I found.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: When they are not well
« Reply #2 on: March 05, 2020, 03:42:40 AM »
My exNPDh had a stroke. He did not change his lifestyle but began to feel even more entitled. He expected to be served, listened to, taken care of, catered for immediately and totally because now he was sick in addition to a superior being. He also became even more resentful and bitter, possibly because this failure of his health was a narcissistic injury and he was stuck with this inferior wife (me), who medium chilled and grey rocked. Eventually he found himself a new partner online and I believe they are very happy.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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blunk

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Re: When they are not well
« Reply #3 on: March 05, 2020, 03:13:08 PM »
My BPDxh had several heart attacks in the 10 years leading up to our divorce. He would pick and choose which advice to take from the doctor. He hated the idea of taking cholesterol drugs, despite having extremely elevated levels. He continued to drink and do drugs (to a much greater extent than I was aware of at the time), but he quit smoking cigarettes.

When I told him that I wanted a divorce, I agreed to delay filing for 90 days as he had just started a new job and "I" would be leaving him without insurance as his health insurance was through my employer. Then he immediately went back to smoking, which he of course blamed on me. Within that 90 days he developed pneumonia and had to be hospitalized. He asked me to hold off filing even longer because he was out of work and afraid of losing his job, despite the fact that they told him he would not be fired since he was able to provide documentation of the hospitalization, and doctor's notes excusing the time off.

So, I filed as previously scheduled. I was called every name in the book, but mostly a heartless bitch. I don't think it would have mattered if I waited to file as it would have coincided with whatever the next catastrophe was to be.

You have to do what is right for you, you're not the keeper of his health.

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GettingOOTF

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Re: When they are not well
« Reply #4 on: March 05, 2020, 04:35:34 PM »
I initiated the divorce while my ex was hospitalized. There was A LOT of blowback from his friends and family.

I eventually came to see this for what it was - they were all worried that when I stopped taking care of him it would be their responsibility.

My ex also had a couple of relatively serious physical issues that impacted his ability to do certain things.

I left years before I found this board or had any concept of FOG. I was only scratching the surface of my own codependency issues.  I cannot tell you how awful I felt. I felt so guilty and like I was the worst person on earth. My ex used his conditions and my guilt to make the process as hard as possible.

With my exes second hospitalization and the ramping up of health issues before this I realized that it was only going to get worse. He was never, ever, ever going to be in a position where he was 100% and I could leave without looking and feeling awful. It was like ripping off the bandaid.

One of the things I learned very early in this process was to ignore other people and their options. Even without my exes “version” I would have looked pretty bad and he is a master at making himself look like a sympathetic victim. I walked away from not only the marriage but all our friends and acquaintances, which made it harder.

Now the story my ex tells is that he was really awful when he was “sick”. That I supported him and saved his life. I did more for him than any one could expect. He’d give anything to have another chance but he totally understand why I won’t give him one.  Which as you can see makes him look even more sympathetic and me even more heartless.

This shows the level of his manipulation. He twisted the story all the ways that benefited him.

Like mine, your husband had nothing to gain by you leaving and it will never get easy for you to do so. There will never be a good time.
« Last Edit: March 05, 2020, 04:40:20 PM by GettingOOTF »

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11JB68

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Re: When they are not well
« Reply #5 on: March 05, 2020, 11:49:36 PM »
Wow. Thx everyone.
This place never fails to help me feel less alone.
I just brought him his small dish of no sugar added I've cream. It was a small amount, all that was left, and still probably requires to a serving. He hollered for me from his room to the kitchen and when I went to him he said this isn't enough can I have more, when I said that's all that was left the response was "f'n a". Except of course he used the full f word. One of his favorite expressions, he even calls it out in his sleep. I'm so sick of hearing it. And was SOoooo angry that that was his response to my assistance.

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11JB68

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Re: When they are not well
« Reply #6 on: March 06, 2020, 12:05:33 AM »
So then just now he gives me this typical lecture explanation of how what I did was wrong (I should have advised him that was all the I've cream  :stars:), and then did apologize for swearing...

Thoughts??
The apology was odd.
I don't know if I'm just overthinking stuff now and seeing the negative... But I wonder if the apology is just a manipulation... He knows he needs my help and that he really upset me and is afraid I'll leave it something...

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NumbLotus

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Re: When they are not well
« Reply #7 on: March 06, 2020, 12:24:40 AM »
I get some very nice apologies. I even think he means it and is not doing it to be manipulative.

I still live in hell.

Most days there aren't any nasty words or anything here. Not an unkind word was spoken today in this house.

It's still hell.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

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Medowynd

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Re: When they are not well
« Reply #8 on: March 06, 2020, 05:23:06 AM »
Don't guilt yourself to stay with this man and his health problems.  I married a man in a wheelchair and left him nine years later after living in hell with him.  Bad health and disabilities are not exceptions to the rule.  The PD I was married to, found three more women to marry him over the years.  He is still hanging in there, being his PD self.

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11JB68

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Re: When they are not well
« Reply #9 on: March 06, 2020, 10:41:07 PM »
Well I'm working on getting myself a therapist and hoping that will help me with through my stuff.
However I feel like the support of the online group is at least as helpful/valuable...