Need to vent

[cant turn back]

I need to vent, to whomever will listen on here:
DD16 is with her dad this week.  She texted me this AM, an hour before school to ask me to bring leggings I had at my house.  I bring them.  It's no biggie, one mile.  When I see DD16, she looks miserable.  Says she didn't prep for her Physics test and fell asleep last night instead.  Of course this was after her boyfriend was over watching a movie with her.  We have a big collective problem of her not prioritizing homework.  I've seen this before, on my custodial time as well.  Alas, I see on the tracker that ExH takes her to school but they turn around and come back home 15 minutes later.  When I ask her two hours later (I can see clearly she's just at ExH's house) she tells me she had a panic attack and just couldn't get to school.  I too have done this routine where she's just sitting in the car crying not wanting to go into school.  Over time I have seen a pattern that this usually emerges when she is ill prepared  for a test or a presentation or an assignment is not done.  It's not an act or faking it, it is a genuine anxiety attack-like symptoms  (though one that could be remedied if she would just prioritize her schoolwork).  Either way, she tells me, Dad went to work.  So, he just left her there at home alone.  I NEVER leave her when she is feeling like that.  She feels like crap, with anxiety, tears, stress... and he just leaves.  WTF.
We text again awhile later.  She asks what time I'm picking her up (it's my mid-week visit night 3-8).  I tell her 3:00.  She says, you can't come earlier?  I tell her I could come at 2:00 but not earlier as I am out at appointments.. working.  She says ok, I want up go to Staples and buy a dry erase board to organize myself (she has a new job and a school sport commitment and she is kind of stressed about juggling it all).  She also texts me some calendars that she has made at home on this day, organizing her activities.  Clearly, this is stressing her out.  I say that is fine, I'll come at 2:00.  She says ok, I'll tell dad.  At 1:30, as I'm enroute from my appointments to get her she texts and says, just come at 3:00. Ok, I don't need a crystal ball to know what  happened.  I call her.  She sounds awful, miserable.  She says she's doing  her homework, cant be ready until 3:00.  RIGHT.  I pick her up at 3:00.  She is distant, and still miserable.  We go to Staples.  I ask her gently how it's going to work, if she will have one board at my house and one at his house.. she says yes.  This doesn't seem like a great solution to me but I love that she is being proactive in organizing herself.  We look at the options, she says which one she likes, $30.  I pick up two, there are only two.  She says no, just get one.  I will have to come with dad later to get the other one.  I say, there are only two. I'm worried it won't be here if you don't get it now.  She says, "no, dad said he wants to be involved too so I will just get the other one later with dad". 
Yes, it is all crystal clear to me now.  The man-child is feeling insecure that DD16 is reaching out to me, asking me for help, making her feel guilty for not asking him.  Why would she ask him when he dumps her off at home when she is most vulnerable?  Over the past few months she has been much closer with me, reaching out to me more.  Esp re her new job, she is so excited about it and ExH hasn't been very enthusiastic about it.  WHEN will she grow a backbone and tell him to suck-it???  She is not obligated to share her thoughts and feelings equally amongst her two parents.  He is so immature and insecure and thinks making her feel guilty is going to make her want to go to him more?  I don't know if I am fully expressing all of this in an understandable or cohesive way.  I am just SOOO F-ing angry at him and I am so desperately sad DD16 has to deal with this. 

[Associate of Daniel]

Can't Turn Back.

I don't have anything to say other than I'm right there with you. I'm dealing with similar with my ds13 and his uNPD father and uNPD smum.

When will ds ever see the reality of their lies and bullying? When will he ever stand up to them, even for the simplest of things, instead of giving in to their ridiculous need for control?

I wish there was a switch we could flick...

AOD

[Free2Bme]

Can't turn back,

I can so appreciate your frustration.

Your DD sounds like she feels very pulled in different directions.  My kids experience this too. 

Her reluctance to get the second dry erase board for dad's tells me either that she is keeping things "even" in her head (b/c dad wants to be involved), or she has trepidation about dad's reaction to a dry erase board from the 'enemy' camp, or it may not be about the dry erase at all.  If her time at his house is fraught with guilt/poor dad messages this can impact her overall outlook and make it more difficult for her to learn time management, focus on school, etc.  It then becomes a vicious cycle of I'm too stressed to plan, I didn't plan, oh crap my exam's tomorrow = panic.

You can't mitigate exH bad parenting. 
You can be the good mom that you already are to her; relieve pressure, damage control, modeling, etc.  Encourage her that she is not responsible for making sure her dad "feels" involved and thank her for being honest with you about her quandary.   Continue to set yourself apart by creating an atmosphere that she doesn't have to tip-toe around mom (It sounds like you already have), her thoughts and feelings are welcome, and mom is a source of praise, comfort, protection, solutions.

I think kid's will eventually gravitate towards the healthy parent.  Meanwhile, its hard for us to watch our kids go through this stuff. 

- Hugs