What do I do, family not helping leaving it all on me

[Lilyloo]

My very difficult mother who I have no emotional connection to had a stroke. The hospital wanted her to stay for surgery to open a 70% blocked artery. She refused, saying she wanted other doctors, that the hospital don't know what they are doing. This is how she always is. She went home

I heard the nurse tell her she needs to stay and get the surgery asap, that meaning the next day. She never trusts any medical people, with the exception of one Doctor who babies her and tells her what she wants to hear.  I thought fine if you have another stroke or heart attack, so be it!!

I'm the only daughter, one brother passed away and the 2 others won't help me. She now has to go monday for 2 appointments  Guess who has to take her!!  My husband is helping because I cannot cope with her. I have to tune out her constant whining and ignore or I'd go crazy!  So now it's a whole day of this doctor she loves ordering tests, when the hospital confirmed the blockage and had the surgery set up or procedure to open the artery. I don't know much about how they do it. Point is it would have been done already!! 

Al she has ever done is run doctor to doctor. I'm so sick of it I could scream (as a matter of fact I did) I went to the woods and screamed!!!

My anger at her is huge!!  I am also angry at my brothers who say "we are just to busy"  I knew this day would come!  Simply because I am the daughter! 

We are helping our daughter who is alone now with 4 children. It's overwhelming. We are not young. We have so much on us, now this with my NPD mother. I am thinking hard on how to deal with my brothers. It is wrong to lay it all on me. I must set in place a plan. I know I cant do this alone

She has never given me or my life the time of day. Ignored is what I have been, It has impacted my life, my self worth, and who I am. My middle alcoholic brother gets the compassion. He is tops, yet wont help now.  I have very little feelings for her. My head spins thinking of whats in store

I know this is what goes on with many of you. If you have any suggestions to help me I'd be so grateful.I won't let her drive me insane

[lkdrymom]

Why do YOU have to take her?  There is nothing wrong with your brothers being too busy...you need to start being too busy.  This is on your mother to figure out.  Since you already agreed to this time, do it. But after that you will be too busy too.  She will take advantage of you for one and only one reason....because you let her.

[p123]

Linda - very familiar story that a lot of us have experienced.

No offence but perhaps you're brothers know what she is like and are keeping out of it. I get the same - you help the most yet a sibling is always the golden child.

Like lkdrymom says, why do you have to take her? Start being "busy" as well. Sorry but I learnt the hard way that if they want things all their own way, how they like it, the crack on (as they say in the uk) and sort it out yourself. You said she likes this one doctor - leave them to it. Let him sort her out. Be busy whenever there's an appointment to go to. Don't get involved. If she wants to mess around, go from doctor to doctor let her. Step away from it all.

I get so annoyed with Dad like you it seems. Hes called the doctor out 3 times for a home visit this week. Hes got a cold but hes too lazy to go the doctors office and hes prone to "makeupitis". Hes had a go at me because "hes been so ill and you're brother is so worried hes phoned me twice a day", and I haven't phoned him any more than normal.  Im not great at it but its so nice to think "if he wants to act like a baby and the doctors want to treat him like one then crack one and I'll stay out of it".

Honestly, you'll feel so much better if you step away a little.....

[Ninaniner]

I totally agree if they can be busy you can be busy too, just ignore she can sort herself out

[SunnyMeadow]

I agree with the others LindaLoo, start being busy or even sick. "Sorry Mom, either too sick or too busy to take you to the doctor". She's an awful mother and she isn't helping herself, don't put yourself out to help her. I also understand your brothers being unavailable. That doesn't help you at all but I can see why they're doing it.

My uPDmother also runs from doctor to doctor. If she isn't getting a warm fuzzy feeling from the doctor, she finds a different one. I also think there is some expectation or unspoken rule that the DAUGHTER has to care for the parents. What the hell? I don't want my daughters to care for me and cart me around. They have their lives to live and that doesn't require being my caregiver. I didn't have children so they could care for me in my old age.

I can feel your anger and I understand. After all they've done, now they expect us to be at their beck and call?! No thanks. Protect yourself and your well being. This stress will cause you great harm. You and your husband have enough going on without this crap from your mother. Step away, back away - go low to no contact to avoid this mess.

Hugs and good thoughts for you.

[p123]

I agree with the others LindaLoo, start being busy or even sick. "Sorry Mom, either too sick or too busy to take you to the doctor". She's an awful mother and she isn't helping herself, don't put yourself out to help her. I also understand your brothers being unavailable. That doesn't help you at all but I can see why they're doing it.

My uPDmother also runs from doctor to doctor. If she isn't getting a warm fuzzy feeling from the doctor, she finds a different one. I also think there is some expectation or unspoken rule that the DAUGHTER has to care for the parents. What the hell? I don't want my daughters to care for me and cart me around. They have their lives to live and that doesn't require being my caregiver. I didn't have children so they could care for me in my old age.

I can feel your anger and I understand. After all they've done, now they expect us to be at their beck and call?! No thanks. Protect yourself and your well being. This stress will cause you great harm. You and your husband have enough going on without this crap from your mother. Step away, back away - go low to no contact to avoid this mess.

Hugs and good thoughts for you.

Ha ha wish I had a sister then! :-)

But yes I've seen the "assumption" that you are to help them now.... Regardless of how inconsiderate it is.

[SunnyMeadow]

Sorry, I kind of veered off from your topic LindaLoo. Now back to you... protect yourself!

[Lilyloo]

Thank you everyone!!

[BeanerJane]

Before I went NC with my BPDm she wanted me to take her to her various Dr appointments. She LOVES going to the doctor and has a minimum of two appointments per week with some medical professional. They fawn all over her (she does a 'sweet little old lady' bit really well), pat her and compliment her on what a good patient she is. I work full time and cannot leave my job for hours at a time to cart her from doctor's office to doctor's office. She would manufacture emergencies to force me to rush to her side, cart her around to have this or that checked, fetch things for her, wait with her, etc.  If I dared noncompliance she'd be furious and let me know what a terrible daughter I am after all she'd sacrificed and been through..blah..blah..blah. At some point I flatly refused to take her. She didn't believe me and missed an appointment.  From that day on she figured out there are PAID services that will take patients to their medical visits.  Of course, I was lectured about reliability and duty and reminded of my obligations but I never had to leave work to take her to the damn doctor again!

[Andeza]

Some of us are only children here, and as for myself that doesn't change my decision to be NC. If I had siblings I would neither expect, nor even want, them to feel like they had to step up just for the sake of familial obligations. If I'm going to be free, they would deserve to be free as well.

I'm not saying you have to go NC by any means, just encouraging you to consider taking a big step back to let her figure it out herself. She's going to be miserable and, as we say where I'm from, "contrary" no matter whether you help or not. That's the nature of pd, after all.

There's no good reason for the both of you to be miserable. 

[WomanInterrupted]

BeanerJane wrote:

Of course, I was lectured about reliability and duty and reminded of my obligations but I never had to leave work to take her to the damn doctor again!

You know who else needs you to be reliable, do your duties and fulfill your obligations?

Your boss and your FOC!  THEY are more important!   

Your mom?  Well, there ARE services she can utilize - and if she won't, that's not your problem.

I'm an only - so it was all on my shoulders, except I refused to budge.  No, I can't do that.  No, I am  busy.  No, something came up.  No. 

NO! 

Practice saying it - it feels good, doesn't it? 

For this next round of doctors that you've been committed to, you can uncommit yourself by saying, "I can't take you.  Something came up and there's no getting around it.  You can either reschedule or you can look into  senior transport, but I can't do it." 

Leave the choice with your mom - if she tries to pin you down to a future date, tell her you can't promise anything, but it doesn't look good, and she should look into other options. 

This is what she should have done in the first place, but better late than never, I suppose. 

Your brothers do NOT get to fob all responsibility onto you, because you're a woman.  Seeing to your mom's needs does NOT  depend on your gender - and your mom should be seeing to her own needs.  If she needs extra help, she'll have to hire it and not ASSUME you'll take over and spend every waking moment, trying to please that which will never be happy.

Keep saying, "NO."   

If your brothers pitch a fit, I'd tell them, "Well, if you're that damned concerned, you do it - otherwise don't call me."   

You CAN do this!   

You can malfunction and escape!   

It feels weird, at first - like you're doing something wrong, but you're NOT!  And you DO get used to that feeling - especially when others  try to get around or undermine your, "NO."

Once you get pissed off, things get a LOT easier.   

[Lilyloo]

We are thirty miles from her doctors. Are there paid services that travel that far?

[Phoenix Rising]

The family is not helping because it is not their problem. If it were me, based on what you described, I'd follow suit.

Your mother's health and decision making is on HER. You don't owe her anything! It is natural to feel like you do because she is your mother and so on but at the end of the day and regardless of the relationship - we don't owe anyone anything.

Take care of yourself first - there is only one Lindaloo

[GettingOOTF]

We are thirty miles from her doctors. Are there paid services that travel that far?

Paid services will go as far as you are willing to pay.

Your mother put herself on this situation. She chose not to follow advice and stay in the hospital. This is not on you at all. She should call an Uber or a local car service. As others have pointed out she will find a way when she knows she can't rely on you. The first few times will be difficult and I'm sure she will give you hell but her medical needs will only get worse as she ages which means she will demand more of your time and energy.

[Adrianna]

I know you feel that there's no solution to this but there is. The fact that you had to go into the woods to scream your anger speaks volumes! This woman will drain you without so much as a second thought. They only get worse with age. I understand the doctors appointments and how they love them, it's attention for them and they don't care about your time or life. You don't matter to her but guess what, you matter to YOU.

You can call your local senior center to see what services they offer. My grandmother refused to have lunch at senior center ("I'm not having lunch with those bitches!") however she did accept help from their senior van. They would drive her to doctors appointments half an hour away. I'm not sure how far they would drive, maybe even further. There was no fee but it was customary to give something $10 or whatever.

Also since there's an immediate need for this and since you're not set up yet with the senior center van service, there are senior help companies you can call and they should be able to assist for this appointment. Private pay and it won't be cheap but let her pay or she can stay home.

My grandmother relied upon a nephews wife too who often took her to the appointments. She latched onto her pretty quick after her other nephews wife (who she treated like a dog) moved across the continent. They will always try to find a servant and if it's not you it will be someone else. If you walk away and become unavailable you might be surprised on how she will find a recruit. That recruit will likely think oh poor woman, her daughter isn't helping, I will come in and assist, but over time he or she will see the full picture. That person will get it because the pd person can't fake nice forever. Their poor me routine wears out and their true colors will show when the new recruit eventually fails to live up to their impossible demanding expectations. 

There are a lot of services she can get, meals on wheels, housekeeping, companion, home health aid if she qualifies, etc. the local senior center can help. Here they arrange them through our local council on aging. I am assuming you are in the US. My grandmother was maxed out on services yet still whined no one did anything and she was lonely. No attention is enough. Ever. She was more than happy to take the services though as she loved having people come into the house to wait on her. Given her challenging personality, this surprised me. However when you look at narcissism, they live off attention so it makes sense.

Nothing you do will ever be enough. You have your own life. YOU MATTER just as much as your mother and your first responsibility is to yourself, NOT her. I did the best I could and my grandmothers demands and guilt trips nearly destroyed me but I know it wasn't personal. I wasn't a bad granddaughter and you're not a bad daughter for refusing to help when helping could negatively impact your well-being.

Keep in mind I was her servant for well over 15 years and she would tell people over the last five that I don't do enough for her or care. This was back when I called her every day. What a colossal waste of time on my part, feeling that it was my job to fix her and make her happy, but lesson learned.

I hope this was helpful! I've been in your shoes. Your mother is an adult and it's not your duty to fix her life.

[Sweetbriar]

The fact that you are going to the woods to scream is important information. This is too much for you!  Take a moment and sit with that part of you.

Someone told me awhile ago, who had grown up with abusive parents and disordered family that it is okay to do whatever it takes to heal. She said she got to the point she lied to avoid the FOO to save herself. White lies to keep yourself safe. I am not against that. Sometimes you have to be shrewd to avoid the narcissistic rage of disordered family members.

So.... ahem, why not have a cough and a fever. Nobody should be going anywhere with a cough and a fever these days. Have four weeks of a cough and fever until she gets used to taking care of herself. Send her the phone numbers to call. Meet her needs from a far.

Just some thoughts. 

[WomanInterrupted]

Linda,

It's NOT your job to find out how far caregivers/aides will go - that falls to *your mom* and if she won't do it, or make other arrangements, like taking a cab, shuttle or Uber?

She misses her appointments.  It's that simple.  If she refuses to take charge of her own health, it won't be looked after because  *it is not your job.*   

I agree that having a cough/cold that just drags on for weeks is your best bet    - I used to do that to unBPD Didi, too.  She was terrified of getting a cold and didn't care if I dropped dead from one, as long as I made sure I didn't give it to her.

I was more than happy to pretend I was sick, just so I didn't have to be anywhere near her.   

With Covid 19, nobody wants to take a chance that your "cold" is something more serious - so it will definitely buy you time away from your mom and her problems. 

I'd definitely use that and if she cries to your brothers, and they complain to you?

I'd tell them, "Well, if you're that damned concerned, YOU do something." - and then block them. You ARE sick and/or busy, after all! 

If you're going out to the woods to scream that's a REALLY bad sign.  You've had  MORE than enough and need off this crazy, never-ending merry-go-round of your mom's health problems.

Well - let yourself off!  YOU control where the ride stops - and if you want it to stop now, that's where it stops! 

You've GOT this - you just need to give yourself permission to let your mom's problems go, and let  her be responsible for them.   

You're not committing a crime, you're not doing anything wrong and you're NOT "shirking your duties and responsibilities."

Anybody who wants to throw that at you really needs to go drink a mug of shut the hell up - and do it themselves. 

[Lilyloo]

She won't ask my brothers she says "they are to busy"  LOL!!!  The men in this family get off the hook,  She always has a poor old brothers speech ready. I am telling her I am sick of hearing about my "poor brothers"  and WTH do you think I am, a total nothing who has no issues, and that I will not hear it again about poor brothers. She is very ill in her mind about the men issue. Men count, women don't.  SHE WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH THIS AGAIN!! 

Thank you each and everyone here

I'm grateful

[Adrianna]

Oh I'm familiar with the men issue. One weekend I was at my grandmothers house doing things for her, and she stood there and said no one does anything for me. I said I'm standing right here, on my day off, doing anything you ask of me. Her response?

"Well, you're a woman."

Men count in her mind. Women don't. In her case I think it's an age thing rather than a pd thing. She's almost 98.

Utterly and completely disrespectful though no matter the reason.

[lkdrymom]

Oh I'm familiar with the men issue. One weekend I was at my grandmothers house doing things for her, and she stood there and said no one does anything for me. I said I'm standing right here, on my day off, doing anything you ask of me. Her response?

"Well, you're a woman."

Men count in her mind. Women don't. In her case I think it's an age thing rather than a pd thing. She's almost 98.

Utterly and completely disrespectful though no matter the reason.

My father used to say I never 'visit'.  My daughter pointed out I was there all the time.  His response "Yeah, but she is always doing things, not visiting."  Of course I am doing things because he is barking orders at me. And if I am doing stuff I am not visiting so my time there does not count.