This morning I had a choice

[Jsinjin]

Today is the beginning of spring break.   I have an uOCPDw whom I keep trying to reconcile with internally.    My daughter's both behave in similar ways.    Our home is a pit of trash, piles of junk, papers, areas you can't walk through, documents, broken furniture and things that are a mess.   I am not allowed to move anything or put anything anywhere because it is either something that they are going to do something with eventually or the item needs to stay there.  I get physically and emotionally down about this.   Today I got up with the hope that I could convince my wife and kids to work with me on one thing that we keep our entry way clear to walk through.   My choice was that I could ignore that and go to the little house I'm renovating secretly for me to move into and I chose to try and come to a compromise.    The result was one kid violently dumping all of her things into a giant box and threatening to burn it while she keeps making passive aggressive statements like "so I just want to know what you are going to do with me when my required school ID is gone and I can't go to school" while my spouse was letting me know the reason t hey don't trust me is that their stuff gets misplaced by daddy when he just puts it away without asking and my son gave up and just went upstairs to play video games.   

[Poison Ivy]

I really hope that you make the choice, as soon as possible, to move out of that house and have the children with you at least some of the time.

[hhaw]

Jin:

What do you fear will happen if you let your dd burn her box, destroy her ID and not be able to go to school bc of it?  Do you fear she won't get another?  That she'll quit school? 

I don't think you're responsible for her choices and it feels like she's holding you hostage with those threats.

IME it was always a mistake to allow kids to hold parents hostage with threats.... so said the Therapists working with the Wilderness Program my dd attended. 

Parents were told to speak without anger or fear... be very sorry if their child made a sad choice, then let them make their choice.  The parent goes back to taking care of their own business which removes them from the child's focus so the child focuses on what THEY'RE DOING. 

Wilderness Program Parents were given homework... to read the book THE PARALLEL PROCESS by Krissy Pozatek.  It helped me understand my kids better and my relationship with them. 

All you can do is your best... model what you want them to learn.  Be as healthy as you can manage around them.   If you get that book, it will at least give you more information  and that's not a bad thing, iME.

Good luck,

[BeautifulCrazy]

Lol!! Every once in a while one of my lovely children tries this FOG tactic on me!
Hhaw is right on the money saying

I don't think you're responsible for her choices and it feels like she's holding you hostage with those threats.

I think you can safely hand the responsibility right back with something like, "Well honey, that would be terribly sad. But it is completely up to you and so are the consequences."

What would happen if you let everyone know you were cleaning up the entryway your way and let them know they can come put away anything they are concerned about you misplacing?

[NumbLotus]

On occasion, DD pulls that bullpuckey on me. She'll yell that if something happens it will be all my fault when in fact it would be entirely her fault. I firmly tell her so and she yells back over me but I give her the Mom Look and repeat in teh same tone and she storms off. Not exactly a victory but at least I'm not feeding it. It honestly drives me mad because I get nervous about PD.

But I have a feeling your wife would actively side with your kids on that, and that would probably put me over the entire edge.

Your daughter is responsible for her items. PERIOD. If you need them to be put in an appropriate place, she needs to do that, and her responsibility remains. She is responsible for keeping track of the item even if she was asked to move it. If she lights it on fire or cuts it up to punish you, that's her responsibility, and she will need to take on replacing the item if necessary. PERIOD.

I know you know that, just saying in case the FOG is confusing (and it is so confusing). But adding a mother who will back her up that HER actions are YOUR responsibilty is as toxic as it gets.

[Jsinjin]

All:

I understand.    The problem isn't the kids, it's that the wife refuses to both allow and set expectations.   She hovers over me and the kids waiting for some request like "you need to make sure that you emoty your lunchbox every day when you come into the house" to stop the discussion, determine if it is fair, figure out if there are any exceptions and by the end of a really loud fight there is no rule and it all goes to garbage.   My spouse literally can't handle it if you have a rule like that and the specifics of 'what happens if they have an overnight event that day, will you make them emot it the moment they get in"   

This has filtered into our kids sense of doing anything from folding their clothes to sweeping to loading the dishwasher.    The moment the wife mom sees that something is out of place like a knife is upside down the whole activity stops, the kid gives up.     

We have all learned to live for a day when she is gone.   I keep hoping that there will be a reboot.   I feel so terrible about a separation and divorce but I've got two kids with severe anxiety, one who had to quit college and one who won't even get in the car with his mother while practicing driving.    She is enmeshed I  every activity hovering over with radar to hear if there is anything being done wrong.   Even if she goes to the grocery store we watch out the window until the car actually leaves because if you start to clean or cook or anything then there is a chance she will have forgotten something and will come back in and see the potential mistake.

DD behavior is just the second in a line of kids who can't handle a task or chore without blowing apart.

[Poison Ivy]

The only reboot you have control over is your own. 

[NumbLotus]

Jsinjin, I am hearing you, I can see what you described.