Is it me? Am I at fault?

[11JB68]

I made the mistake today of asking uocpdh what his plan was about smoking. The only emotional thing I said was that I feel pretty stupid buying him a carton of cigarettes whole he's recovering from a heart attack. He said yes buy them, no he wasn't ready to quit etc.
Got home this afternoon and first he got demanding about something I needed to correct ds about, pointed his finger at me, said that's the problem!
Then launched into a long thing about how he can't imagine quitting smoking because then we'll fight and I'll leave. If I leave he'll die. On and on about how first we need to figure out how to not argue. Basically this always comes down to I need to do what he wants.
Telling me I have a problem where I need to argue with him. Etc. So I'm feeling like it's my fault he smokes, my fault he had a heart attack.... Oh and if I leave it will be my fault that he'll die.
Then he asks some food related question and I made the mistake of trying to Just have a casual conversation, but no somehow I was trying to make him feel bad.
So yeah, I really do need to get into therapy because I need to figure out if in fact this is my fault.

[NumbLotus]

You know the answer but I am happy to tell you.

It us your husband's choice to smoke.

It is not in your power to make him stop no matter what you do, even if you become an actual Stepford Robot.

Your husband's heart attack was some mixture of his lifestyle choices and his genetics. You are not a factor.

If you leave, your husband has all the exact same choices at his disposal. He can take care of his health or not, regardless of your presence or marriage to him.

You are not God. You can't control him.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm pretty sure it's not your fault.  But talking to a therapist will help you realize that it is not your fault and might help you discover whether you want to stay in or leave this relationship, a relationship that I think isn't healthy for you.

[NumbLotus]

If he thinks he needs you so much, he can show it.

[11JB68]

Numb lotus, I believe what he wants us a stepford robot. I am some bizarre combination of nurse/cna , janitor, maid, cook, etc. That he also gets to have seen with when he wants to.
The thing is his dad was similar with his mom... But in some ways his mom had it better... She never did any manual labor around the house, and she got to go out and go away with friends or family without fil often.

[NumbLotus]

He may want a Stepford Robot but you are better than that - a person.

Did you read the description of the book about Controlling People? How normal people get to know you and connect with you accordingly, and how controlling people do not do that at all but rather create an image (not you, just an image) and force you to conform to it?

[11JB68]

Lotus.... Not sure if I've read that one yet, but I've read other stuff about this and yes... This is how I feel. In fact when he says he loves me I believe he's telling the truth, but I believe what he loves is his image of me, not the real me. As soon as I start being real he isn't very happy with me. Although I guess I'm not very happy with the real him either... The nice polite funny guy I don't think is the real him. I think it's hard for him to maintain that. The real him is angry demanding judgmental...

[GettingOOTF]

Your husband is an adult. He has the right to smoke or do any other stupid thing he chooses. You have the right to stay with him or leave.

This type of issue comes up a lot in recovery where a spouse will say "my husband has a drinking problem" and the response is always "no he doesn't. You have a drinking problem". Your husband had agency and it's his right to make choices for his own life.

I know this is hard to hear. The first time I was told this I had a very negative and defensive reaction but I see now that it's right. The issues in my marriage ultimately boiled down to my trying to control my ex to make him the husband I wanted him to be rather than working on myself and finding someone that would capable of giving  me the relationship I wanted.

I believe 100% that my spouse believed he loved me but I also believe he would have loved anyone in the role of "wife". At the end of the day though the things that caused the most conflict in our relationship were the things that made me who I am and the things I like the most about myself, so he didn't love me. In fact he made no attempt to get to know me at all.

I will throw Codependent No More out there again. That book changed my life. It taught me to focus on myself. As they say in recovery - stay on your side of the street. Your job is to keep your side clean. What goes on on his side is his business.

[GettingOOTF]

I will also throw this out there. My father has a serious heart issue. Everyone including the doctors thought he would die. He didn't.

I hoped the experience, which included being in the hospital for 6 weeks, would cause him to change. That he would reflect on his life and relationships and start looking after himself and living his life.

It did not. It seemed to show him that he was invincible and it was further proof to him that people should cater to his every whim and mood. He became more needy, demanding, manipulative and downright mean.  There was not one ounce of gratitude for his life being saved or appreciation for anyone around him.

I am now NC with my father and divorced and NC with my ex. Neither were easy to accomplish, but my life did a 180.

[Poison Ivy]

Everything Getting Out of the FOG said is great advice.  This especially resonates with me:  "The issues in my marriage ultimately boiled down to my trying to control my ex to make him the husband I wanted him to be rather than working on myself and finding someone that would capable of giving  me the relationship I wanted.

I believe 100% that my spouse believed he loved me but I also believe he would have loved anyone in the role of "wife". At the end of the day though the things that caused the most conflict in our relationship were the things that made me who I am and the things I like the most about myself, so he didn't love me. In fact he made no attempt to get to know me at all."

[NumbLotus]

11, I don't think you're trying to control your husband. It's the other way around. He's barking at you to cook this fetch that and so on.

It's interesting, like the Spiderman quote, "with great power comes great responsibility." Having the ability to control is power.

Your husband has taken half the power and control - bending you to his whim, demanding you cater to his every wish - but he has dumped the responsibility on to you. The control dynamic is seriously messed up.

You can't do anything or say anything or even NOT do something (eg not buy cigs or bake cookies) without paying a serious price.

And yet somehow, somehow, though you can't do or not do squat, you are responsible?

That is the absolute ultimate bind and it's not rooted in any semblance of physics or reality.

[11JB68]

Getting Out of the FOG. Agreed. He can def smoke if he wants to. However if I refuse to go buy them for him and suggest he go himself he will rage.
Also he's blaming me for his continuing to smoke. I'm the problem cuz I can't be nice to him and do what he says.
Also re your f. Yes, uocpdh wants everyone to bend to his will/whim. Don't argue, do what he says.
When my fil had a heart attack 15 or so years ago, h pulled mil aside and told her, you have to be nicer to him and not make him mad.... I was in the fog then yet still that bothered me. Several years later mil came to us complaining that fil was being abusive. H did nothing.
Mil died several years ago. Fil is still alive.

Lotus, yes he wants the power but not the responsibility.