PDs and Splitting?

Started by Bowsy26, March 10, 2020, 01:36:31 PM

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Bowsy26

I'm trying to understand the concept of splitting better.  My H was dxd with NPD several years ago.  At a certain point in our marriage, he became covertly hostile to me.  He made up lies and stories about me at his job and we never had any friends through his mill which employed nearly a 1000 people at one point. He even told me he refuses to socialize with me. Someone he worked with who had a conscience told me that Dale never heard a bad story about a spouse that he couldn't top.  I discovered he even was telling people I was a lesbian.  We have had no couple friends  for probably 30 years.   Prior to all this, I was beautiful, I was wonderful, I was smart.  Then I was nothing.  He continues to swing between I'm okay to I'm not, mostly depending on how subservient I am to his needs.  He still refuses to socialize with me which I suspect is to minimize the chance of someone telling me what he has been up to. 

My daughter (I realize that is not a chosen relationship) began the same behaviors when she was in her mid 20s.  She cut off all contact with me after she contacted all of my friends she knew of and all of our relatives.  I have no idea what was said (or what I am supposed to have done for that matter), but she got promises from nearly all of them to never contact me again and never tell her what she told them.  One friend did tell me about my daughter contacting her; she refused to give me the details of what she said because they were "too awful to repeat".  She was her dad's buddy for many years, but she and I had been closer (or at least I thought). 

H always had a woman he hated, a nun, an aunt, a boss.  It seems that I became one of his hated women so is this splitting.  Same with my daughter.  We had what I thought was a close relationship and suddenly I was public enemy #1 without ever knowing what the problem was.  So is this splitting?  They just turn on a hair and the relationship that seemed so strong suddenly vanishes?   My mother was likely a PD and was quite violent and blamed all her life's problems on me.   It seems I attract this type of thing. 

athene1399

I can't tell for sure by your example. Splitting is seeing something or someone as all good or all bad. And that usually changes based on the circumstance and the way the PD is feeling. An example I have that I think is splitting is a PD I knew got a new job. She said she loved it, everyone was so helpful and was bending over backwards to help explain things to her. Then she got written up, told off her boss, then got fired. Then she was saying how terrible that place was, no one helped her, and they were all awful. So it went from all good to all bad. it's not being able to see the grey areas or recognize the grey is even there.

Splitting starts in childhood where the parent is seen as all good or all bad. "The good mommy cuddles with me, but the bad mommy yells at me". Like they can't come to terms that it is the same person. I think it's a natural part of maturing, but some can't mature past it and continue to use it as a defense mechanism (I think).

So in your examples, if they are mad at you about something ( and it doesn't have to be something you did "wrong," they just perceive it that way), then IME it could be splitting.

I hope this helps.

Bowsy26

Okay.  I'm  pretty sure that my daughter "split" concerning me.  We were close while she was growing up.  We went through the usual teenage things.  When she was around 20, she had very little extra money so she made me a card for my birthday where she wrote out the words to "Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler complete with beautiful artwork.  She told me she thought of me every time she heard that song and loved how I supported her emotionally as she grew up.  Three years later, that song is playing and I comment how much I love to hear that song ever since she gave me that card.  She responded "tcch, I didn't even know the words to it" and walked away from me with a curled lip.  It was less than a year later that she cut me out of her life.   :stars:  I knew something was wrong but had no idea what was coming.  So that seems like splitting to me.  My dxnpdh often talked negatively about me to out kids (and anyone else).  Perhaps that is part of this. 

I'm really hear trying to understand my dxnpdh and where to go from here, but when I read about splitting, it seemed like a cogent explanation of what happened with my daughter. 

 

Associate of Daniel

My understanding of splitting and my experience of it are slightly different from each other.

I think (but don't take my word for it) that splitting is usually done by people with Borderline pd.

They tend to have the "I hate you. Don't leave me." thing.  So they hate you until they think they need you.

But also, when you do something "wrong" (in their eyes) they think of you as all bad. When you do something "good", they think of you as all good.

They are not abe to comprehend that someone can be "good" and "bad" at the same time.  Ie: A normal, nice person who has various faults or weaknesses that they are working on.

So the BPD's splitting is changeable.

My experience is with uNPDs though. My ex H and his now wife, who he has known since before he met me...yeahh...

I was permanently split black, probably before I was married.

The fact that I exist is enough for me to be bad in their eyes.

I've never been hoovered.  The only time I've been love bombed was when he and I first got together.  It lasted maybe 4 to 5 months.

So I'm thinking that BPD splitting is in a constant state of swapsies, whereas the NPD's is permanent.

Just my 2c worth.

AOD

pushit

I have experience with this with my exPDw (I suspect BPD with her, but undiagnosed).

When D9 was in kindergarten, we had just moved into a nice neighborhood and exPDw loved it.  Went to the neighborhood book club, she had made several friends there and people liked us.  One day we got an email from the kindergarten teacher that D9 had a behavioral issue (hid from the teacher once at recess time, I didn't see it as a huge deal and neither did the teacher).  exPDw went off on everyone.  She made several phone calls to the teacher, the principal, the G/T counselor, and blamed everyone for not being able to teach our daughter properly.  It blew up in her face when the principal had enough and told exPDw that maybe it was time to find a new school for our daughter.  So, we enrolled her in the neighboring school district.  Right away, exPDw hated everything about our neighborhood, the city, the commute, etc.  Constant complaining about how the commute was too long (20 minutes, big deal!) we couldn't afford our house (though we had plenty of extra money), demanding we move immediately and I got no say in where we moved to, you name it.  She blew up all friendships in the neighborhood and we were ostracized. 

She currently is in love with the neighborhood immediately surrounding our kids new school.  Frankly, it's an older neighborhood with small houses that aren't that appealing.  Even the folks who live there joke about the ugly houses but it's great that the school is so good.  But, to exPDw it is heaven on earth and nothing can change that.  She recently bought a house there and is proud to live there, almost acting as if it's a status symbol.  At this point I am just waiting for the current school to make her angry and then she will paint them black too.  It's really just a matter of time with her.

So that's my example.  Everything is perfect until something minor happens, then everything is bad.  She did it with me too.  For the first few years of our relationship I was treated like a king, until I didn't do enough for her and then I was treated like dirt.  It even happened during our divorce.  She was super kind until it was clear I had no intention of reconciling, and then on a dime she started treating me like I was evil.

It's bizarre, it's like they have no way of seeing the gray area in between.  A rational adult can look at a person or situation and see the good and bad, and weigh out the benefits of continuing the relationship or ending it.  For them there is no gray area, it has to be all one way or the other.  It seems with my exPDw that she thinks everything is good until her disorder gets exposed a little bit and has to move to a new crowd.  Like the school example above - she got called out, and everything in life had to change so she could be seen as an upstanding member of the community again.

Whiteheron

Hi Bowsy,

I believe what you describe is some form of splitting. I think it can take on many forms, based on the examples I've seen here and elsewhere. The main premise is one day you're fine, then suddenly you're not. No explanation needed.

stbx does this with people all the time. He did it with his sister - she had 'wronged' (lied to) their parents, and he completely took it as a personal affront - cut her off and declared her a no-good bottom feeding lowlife. Even when she was in the hospital fighting for her life, he could not get past her wronging him. (she's ok now). I was astounded. I mean, sure, it's normal to get angry at your siblings and maybe avoid speaking to them for a few days...but to completely cut them off over something so trivial? Something that he wasn't even directly involved in??  I was astonished.

stbx does this with people at work - they do something he disagrees with and in the blink of an eye they're persona non grata.

He does it with the kids - as long as they cater to his ego, they're fine. As soon as they talk back, assert themselves or have a different opinion, they are suddenly split. He swings back and forth on an almost weekly basis. I don't know how he keeps track to be honest. It's very damaging to the kids. DS has learned to placate his dad, it just makes DD angrier and she pushes back on him constantly.

He's done it with me - when I've disagreed with him or told him "no." When I filed for divorce....woo. Definitely split me black.

With your daughter - it's probably nothing you even said or did - a seed could have been planted by her dad and this is the result. This is also a behavior she may see as 'normal' - after growing up watching her dad to the exact same thing. I think you're right about why your H won't socialize with you - the risk of running into someone who he's lied to is too great and he can't risk his narrative falling apart.

I do believe it is learned as a survival mechanism.

You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

Bowsy26

Thanks for all the replies.  This is a concept that has given me some difficulty in understanding and the examples of others experiences was very helpful.

I think my daughter did "split".  She did something similar with a few of her friends and it always confused me.  She either hated someone or they were perfect.  I suspect she has some type of PD but I hate to see PDs everywhere after my H was diagnosed with one.  It seems as I become more knowledgeable, it is too easy to see PD in others.  Kind of like developing symptoms of a disease after reading about it, lol.  Maybe Munchausen by Proxy of the psychological sort.  My daughter cut me out of her life after she married a man who came from an extremely dysfunctional family.  She hated his parents, especially his mother, for about 3 years.  Then suddenly she was going a lot of places with her, even trips.  One was when she usually took me someplace for my birthday.  She called me and told me she "forgot" when my birthday was and couldn't cancel going to a cranberry festival a couple of towns over.  A few months later, I was out with no explanation.  I think I get it now.  I think once she had someone else she could totally rely on, she didn't "need" me anymore so it was safe to cut me out.