Custody

[SoStuck]

So I am two months into no contact with my BPD ex. I was granted an emergency protection order which turned into mutual no contact with supervised visitation for him on the weekends with the kids.

Now he is fighting for 50% custody. The many who didn't know how to parent. The man who thought we should spank the kids and yell at them and demand they respect us. The man who said the kids made him miserable. The man who couldn't stand their noise and mess.

How do I fight this? I'm mind blown that I even have to. He rarely parented alone, never once took a sick day with the kids, never took them to the doctor, didn't buy them clothes, rarely cooked them food. How does this happen. Why do I have to fight it?

The kids are doing amazing now that they are out of the situation with their explosive father. My daughter no longer has tantrums, my son is lying less and both of their marks are improved. People joke that even my dog is more social now! It's a joke but its also not because she actually is.

How...??? Why??? I want to cry or pack up the kids and run away. I just want my life back and I want them to have a life where they have hope for their mental health.

[Poison Ivy]

Hi.  I'm sorry to hear that this is happening to you.

I didn't have to endure a custody battle, but I do have a few thoughts and suggestions, based on my familiarity with family law.

1) In some jurisdictions (such as my state in the U.S.), there is a presumption that the parents will share custody and placement 50-50.  That doesn't mean that doing so is required, however. It does mean that if your jurisdiction has such a presumption, your ex will benefit from that presumption.
2) On the other hand, that your ex engaged in behavior that persuaded you to file for an emergency protection order and allowed you to be granted such an order will work in your favor. 
3) Your ex  might be using the request to get 50-50 custody to harass you or as a bargaining chip.  So try to figure out his motivation.  You'll still have to fight the request but knowing what's behind it can help you.
4) If you don't already have a lawyer, hire one. 

[sevenyears]

SO Stuck, I am so sorry for what you and your children are going through. I'm in the same boat (minus the spanking of children). Poison Ivy gave some good insights and advice. Always keep sight of what is best for your children.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Hi, I am facing the same situation. He doesn't co-parent, never does any of the heavy-duty parenting like caring for the kids when they are sick, cooking for them, clothing them, comforting them when they are upset. I do everything. I am basically a single parent, doing my best to keep out of his way because of his mood swings and the depressing, toxic atmosphere he creates.

BUT I know if I leave he will demand his rightful custody, and from what I have found out from a L, he will be entitled to 50/50. He might only be granted supervised access at first but this will ramp up pretty soon as the kids get older.

So I am supposed to leave my DDs in the care of someone who has serious mental health issues (more than just pd I think... the guy is delusional, irrational, completely off his rocker) and who has threatened suicide several times. I know it would be catastrophic for the kids to be left alone with him. So that's why I'm still here... even though I know that staying with a man like this will have a negative impact on their mental health, as you pointed out. I feel so trapped.

I wish there was a way to leave, without him having any custody. Please let me know if you find a way to do this, it would give me such hope.

[Stillirise]

SoStuck...I wish there were a way to make this better for you and your children!

Since your ex has already demonstrated he isn't a capable parent, I agree with the others that he may have other motivations.  How important is money to him?  I know for my uPDh, he would never openly admit it, but money is super important, and therefore, my biggest bargaining tool.   In my situation, I would be willing to agree to less child support, or less assets, in exchange for more physical custody time.   I could probably even let him think he played me, by getting me to take less money/assets, for time he never intended on spending with the kids anyway.

[Liftedfog]

It's all about money. If he gets 50/50 he won't owe any child support. It sucks that a PD would use kids as a pawn but they do.  Talk to a lawyer.