going nc

[desertpine]

Hi all -
After going low-contact for a while with my sister-in-law, I am going NC because of some emails she sent over the past several months. This is hard because the rest of my family maintains contact with her out of pity or a sense of obligation. I just can't. It's too big of an ask for me to pretend everything is normal when it is anything but normal.  And it's too much to ask me to be complacent/ "nice", when she continues to have legal problems, abuse substances, and lie in order to get the emotional or financial support she wants.
Fortunately, she lives thousands of miles away and so there is a good chance I'd never have to see or talk to her again. And the relationship with my  brother has always been thin since he cut himself off from the rest of the family. Unfortunately, that has made him more vulnerable to being manipulated and abused.
In response to her recent email that was full of gas lighting, I told her to stop emailing, calling, or trying to contact me or my spouse (when she first met my spouse, she tried to create a 'special' relationship with my husband by divulging her experiences in the sex industry and asking him to keep things secret). She crossed the line too many times. I blocked her address and hope that this works for my own sanity. This is all a bit crazy making - at times I feel too dramatic, like it can't really be true - there has to be something I'm not getting that would make sense of her behaviors. But there isn't anything - all I see is exploitation for her own gain, without remorse. And I wish my other family members would set limits as well, but that is not what they do- because they avoid conflict.  I am afraid they will just see me as being mean or judgmental. So I'm just left shaking my head, but at least I feel sure that I'm doing what I need to do in order to protect my own energy and sanity.

[Phoenix Rising]

It sounds like you are definitely doing the right thing. Probably really helps to be far away from her. One part of your post that really stuck out to me (really relatable) is the fear of appearing mean or judgmental. You said it yourself that you are doing what you need to in order to protect yourself. Hold onto that when the doubts and self-questioning comes in. Or even if your other family members react to your establishment of boundaries/NC. From what I've read on here and my own experiences with different PD people, many around us fail to see their PD behaviour. It sucks.

Out of curiosity, have you thought on or made a plan for any big family events in the future that may involve SIL?

[desertpine]

Thank you Ingenting -
Fortunately my family does not get together for things much. Over the past 10 years we have all been together only twice. We are spread out across the country and there aren't any kids involved. And it's highly unlikely that there would be any children in the future. So, that makes things much simpler to go NC.
My spouse disagrees with my decision to go NC and my request that my SIL doesn't contact either of us. We have different ways of coping with difficult people and he thinks I crossed a line by asking her not to contact him either. -sigh- I can see his point. So, now I feel guilty for not asking for his input about it first. Although he acknowledges that her asking him to keep secrets and her talking to him about her work as a stripper, wasn't appropriate, he doesn't think it was that big of a deal. It's water under the bridge, so to speak, for him. I feel a stronger level of shock and anger about her behavior than he does. I think he found it amusing. So we have different opinions about it and thus, different ways of coping with it. He is more tolerant and compassionate with people. I reach a point of 'enough' - it takes a long time to get there and many attempts to mend bridges first, but I do reach a point of firmly saying 'no more' and walking away. It is hard to do but has been necessary.  It's just so much harder when it's family - there is such pressure to have a close family, to be loyal to family, put family first, etc. 

[Phoenix Rising]

Ok, I think that's good then if there won't be any frequent chances of seeing her. It does make going and staying NC a hell of a lot easier.

It probably was a bit out of turn to speak on behalf of DH but I think what's done is done now and it's really good that through all of this you are able to see how that could make your husband feel. Can guarantee that SIL is not doing that and it speaks volumes. I think it's clear that you are a very caring and empathetic person yourself

Your DH has the right to continue a relationship with SIL but it sounds like his response wasn't very supportive of your feelings. It's like apologizing then adding a but followed by an excuse. My DH did something similar which added to my feelings of self-doubt. I started wondering if I was overreacting or being too "hard" on MIL.

I think in both DH's cases... they are used to this behaviour so it's "not a big deal". I'm not sure how much your DH has actually tolerated in comparison to you since SIL's behaviour is normalized to him. It sounds like you are in fact the more tolerant and compassionate person enduring abuse with very little support from DH or the rest of the family

It definitely is hard when it is family though. I am like you in the sense that it takes A LOT for me to walk away and I learned the hard way that some people can never be the mom/dad/sibling/family member I deserved... that it is better to be free of abuse than tolerate it. I think there was a couple of members here who advised in my situation with MIL that my DH has created his own family when he married me. That his loyalty should lie with me and not his parents, etc. I thought I would share the same to you. It may not help change your DH position on SIL behaviour but perhaps help you in some other way?

[bloomie]

desertpine - I have to admit my mind wondered if your H would find it amusing if the tables were turned and a former stripper - non related male relative - were asking you to keep secrets and filling your ear/mind with his experiences in the sex industry? 😳

Okay, that's all I say about that, but I wanted to offer support as you make a decision about further contact with a person who has proven themselves untrustworthy. One of the most freeing things I have embraced is that not everyone experiences toxic people the same way and can have very dissimilar experiences with them. Or the very same experiences and they choose to tolerate it. And anything in between.

Your sil's behaviors don't work for you and have potential to create division and strife in your most important relationship - with your H - and that is your business imv. If you believe it would've been honoring to talk this through with your H before you spoke up for both of you, then you can apologize, but the concerns with this woman are serious and valid and not a small matter to be shrugged off from where I sit on this side of the screen.