Haven't been here in awhile. Posting an experience for others to learn from me

vonmoot · March 12, 2020, 08:57:18 AM

So Sybil and I have had a couple of dust-ups these past few weeks. Sadly, I am so stupid that I do not recognize the pattern of slow, creeping escalation until it blows up in my face. Last night, the bomb blew up...big time. Like many other blow-ups, it was focused on how I marginalize how she feels.

Yesterday started like any other day. In the morning I was in the midst of my ritual, when I heard Sybil's alarm on her phone in the living room. Strange. Apparently, the night before she had forgotten to take her phone to bed, plug it in to charge, so she would not be able to hear her alarm. Now, I know that Sybil is not a morning person. She likes her sleep. I, also, know that she usually is not out of bed until around 6:50 am. That is when I hear her get into the shower. Her alarm went off at 6:30. I found her phone, turned off the alarm, and plugged it in to charge. I waited 20 minutes until 6:50 to wake her up. She was surprised, thanked me and got up. I went back to complete my morning routine.

Later, I came into the room and Sybil was looking at what clothes to wear for the day. She stated, "I don't like to be wakened suddenly. I like a gradual wake up". To which I stated, "When you make comments like that, it makes me feel like I am stupid for trying to be nice to you." Wrong answer! It was game on...big time. In Sybil's mind I do not care about how she feels (I thought she likes to get her sleep in the morning), therefore I must be destroyed.

After dropping off our son at school, Sybil started yelling at me. Cursing. Called me an a#$hole. Saying that I only care about how I feel and do not care about her feelings at all. I turned the car around, went back home, as I did not want to be in the same car with her. As I exited the car to get into my car, I was visibly upset (tears in my eyes). What did this woman that I have pledged my life to do? Turned the knife...of course. She kept yelling at me, telling me how terrible I am, how I am not a nice person. It is all about me; I never care about her or anyone else. Yelling this the whole time. Finally, she stated that she was done and was going to talk to a lawyer. All because of my statement. This lasted about an hour with Sybil becoming more and more enraged.

Last night, I broached the subject by saying, "Do we need to talk about this morning?" Naturally, this was the wrong approach and shows I only care about how I feel; not how my actions affect others. She had packed two bags, threw them into the car, started the car, then turned off the car, and stormed off walking into the night. This was in the middle of the night. She kept saying that she "just wanted to die". She took off her coat and shoes to, I guess, expedite it? I spent over an hour talking her back into the house.

A couple of thoughts...

It should be painfully clear by now that Sybil just does not care about how her comments affect me. She cannot see beyond herself. She does not care about intent but only were her feelings mollified. She will use bullying tactics (tantrums, threats, manipulation) to achieve her goals...at any cost. We cannot have an intimate relationship. How can I when making one comment opens a Pandora's Box of pain? Our marriage is a zombie marriage. It is not dead...it is not alive. This will not end well.

intotheblack · March 12, 2020, 02:02:05 PM

Quote from: vonmoot on March 12, 2020, 08:57:18 AM
It should be painfully clear by now that Sybil just does not care about how her comments affect me. She cannot see beyond herself. She does not care about intent but only were her feelings mollified. She will use bullying tactics (tantrums, threats, manipulation) to achieve her goals...at any cost. We cannot have an intimate relationship. How can I when making one comment opens a Pandora's Box of pain? Our marriage is a zombie marriage. It is not dead...it is not alive. It needs a mercy killing. A, metaphorical, bullet to the head. Because of my convictions, I seem unable (unwilling?) to perform the coup de grace. This will not end well.

This resonates with me loudly but i recently pushed the button. Dig deep and find the strength to cut the string that binds. It was the hardest thing i ever did and the pain feels immeasurable, but the future brings freedom and hope - two elements you will never experience without stepping off the precipice into the beautiful unknown.

notrightinthehead · March 13, 2020, 01:33:23 AM

vonmoot what happened to Medium Chill, non JADE and grey rock?

vonmoot · March 13, 2020, 07:33:35 AM

Just got an email from moderators. "Sybil" is the wife's pseudonym. I should have been clear. I work very hard to maintain security of who I/we are.

notrightinthehead posted:

Quotevonmoot what happened to Medium Chill, non JADE and grey rock?

As for Medium Chill, Grey Rock, etc. I tried to maintain as best as possible. I kept my responses to a minimum. One of the reasons I posted this was to highlight that the gargantuan task of maintaining calm and not engaging. The circular arguments, the ratcheting up of the her drama to the point of just trying to get away. After nearly 27 years, I think this episode illustrates the difficulty of breaking bad habits. I hope others can learn from my mistakes. Also, this illustrates how these disordered people probe and learn how to push buttons. It is SO VERY easy to knocked off balance and fall into bad habits. I am a cautionary tale.

BeautifulCrazy · March 13, 2020, 12:15:37 PM

Vonmoot, I feel for you. What you present is familiar and uncomfortable to read. Sounds like pretty classic enmeshed / codependent / enabling interactions. Definitely not how we envisioned ourselves behaving in our intimate relationships but a sad reality for many.
Like notrightinthehead, I also wonder why you didn't implement Medium Chill, nonJADE or Grey Rock or any of the tools from the toolbox.
If you want the marriage, why aren't you using any of the tools?
If you don't want the marriage, why engage at all?

vonmoot · March 15, 2020, 03:06:32 PM

-BeautifulCrazy:

QuoteLike notrightinthehead, I also wonder why you didn't implement Medium Chill, nonJADE or Grey Rock or any of the tools from the toolbox.
If you want the marriage, why aren't you using any of the tools?
If you don't want the marriage, why engage at all?

Very good questions. Sybil (not her real name) is very adept at probing for weaknesses. To be fair, I fell into my old patterns of behavior. I guess the whole thing of "staying together for the kids" kind of thing. If it weren't for the kids (the youngest is 5), I would not care. At the end of the day, I have to decide whether to maintain the status quo or make the changes. I have no excuses. I accept that I fell into old patterns of behavior. Again, I posted this to show how it can be very easy to fall into these patterns of behavior without even knowing it until one is fully committed. I have to endeavor to keep working on myself and use Medium Chill/Grey Rock and not JADE. I have to, emotionally, accept the fact that she will destroy the family for her agenda. Very depressing. I really feel like a cautionary tale. Daily I wish I could back in time and, literally, kick my a$%.

To sum up, I should have just stated my case. When she ratchets up the attacks (which she will do as I try to Grey Rock/Medium Chill), leave the room. When she follows, leave the house. I have a mental plan of action. I just need to put it into effect.

BeautifulCrazy · March 15, 2020, 05:06:15 PM

Boo. I know where you're coming from... and nobody's judging you here!

I wish you so much success vonmoot! I know how hard it is to maintain boundaries consistently enough for change to become habit. And how difficult it is in the face of escalating behaviours to keep cool and stick to the plan. I'm having trouble today keeping my part constructive. All our sports, church extracurriculars and regular outside the house activities have been cancelled. Consequently, everyone has been home together for the weekend and it's beginning to wear on us all. Of, course, as the non-PD adult, I'm the human buffer zone. It's exhausting and my stamina is getting low. I've already broken MC twice today and ended up in interactions not worth the energy. On top of that, the peace in our home was destroyed, putting more stress on the kids.
Don't be too hard on yourself! We all take a few steps backward or sideways on our journeys. But still, every moment is a fresh start.
Looking forward to hearing about your new successes!
~BC

vonmoot · March 17, 2020, 07:37:20 AM

Thanks for commenting. Mainly, I posted to show how easy it is to fall back into bad habits. These folks really know how to push buttons to get that supply. I realized midway into things that I was on the "crazy train". I tried instituting Grey Rock/Medium Chill and not JADEing. By then the horse was out of the barn.

Quick update...things are not really any better. Sybil (not her real name) is hammering me for not communicating about every little detail. Her efforts to control me just make me resent her more. If I have a chip my shoulder, it is I do not like being managed.

1footouttadefog · March 17, 2020, 10:21:17 AM

Sounds like she is trying to make you leave and be the bad guy when it's her that wants out.

vonmoot · March 17, 2020, 10:31:45 AM

1footouttadefog said:

QuoteSounds like she is trying to make you leave and be the bad guy when it's her that wants out.

This has crossed my mind on more than one occasion. Generally, she has a really hard time making decisions. She knows that there are always unintended consequences with decisions and shirks making decisions. I feel that she just wants to push/prod until I just surrender and leave. Make my life so unbearable that I have no other choice. I guess I'm just stubborn. I won't do it for various reasons. We'll see if she does go down the divorce route.