Escalated Accusations with the Coronavirus and Other Text Messages

[LoverofPeace]

I have been in NC with my mother since the holidays. This grey rocking thing was pure bliss. I should say I still am blissful, even after her going off on me yesterday, because I have been praying and meditating; it has worked wonders. I highly recommend it for us less fortunate ones with PD's for parents or other people in our lives that we feel 'stuck' about.

But basically, and as I knew she would, she used the Coronavirus situation to break the contact. Actually, she had been trying other methods before that (like, one of her best friends passing, whom I haven't talked to her and her daughter in years but she tried ordering me to post condolences to her daughter--I didn't even respond because I am sick of this treatment, as it's really about herself).

In any event, she texted about how I was doing with the virus and that her boyfriend from out of town 'finally' leaving after staying with her a few months. She knows I both work helping disabled people with getting employed and going to school, (and once again, sick of how she and especially NPD sister has treated me in the past that resulted in her riling up my crazy sis with their gossip and resulted in the sis putting her hands on me) so her explosion, after not responding again, that this 'crap has got to stop' and 'I am your mother' commands really pissed me off. I called her after work and was yelling (there goes my grey rock) in the phone--while people were looking at me in the street that, 'You have no right to leave such messages and I am going to block you if you continue', while she says, 'Yes, I do have the right'. I replied I know she thinks she does, but she doesn't! I continued and kept cutting her off adamantly stating her treatment of me has been horrible and things of this nature. That I don't have time for this, as I had deadlines to meet with my school work.

When I got home from the store and set up for my homework, I saw she left another text talking about how I owe her some money for my apartment (I have owned it for over 20 years) now that I am cutting her out of my life  .  I called her again, saying that was so long ago that I'm not even sure, but the money I used for my apartment's down payment came from the settlement of my car accident at that time. And why would she even use money to try to hold over my head in order to make me talk to her when I should be able to talk if and when I felt like it? I am not this child she wants to treat me as; mind you, I am 54 years-old!

I also said I was sorry she felt hurt, but I don't like the mistreatment and controlling tactics. Reminded her how busy I was with helping the disabled, work, school and job interviews. All she said was stuff like, 'Yes, you hurt me'. And, 'Didn't you see the text I made about (her boyfriend)?' I asked if that was what was most important right now? And if she needs money, that all she had to do was ask. But no problem, I would get her this money she wants once I sold my apartment.

She was quiet then, because she knows I live only 15 minutes away from her  . See, over 20 years ago, I trusted her more and let her push me into buying this apartment near her (I just can't remember clearly if I paid that down payment or her).

While I don't plan to sell and move just yet, I have been entertaining the idea (at least tried to rent it out, but my management has this waiting list that make it too complicated) in order to move further away from her. So, that's where that stands. Though it make be awhile, once those cards are right, I will make it happen. And I felt good telling her I was no longer in my job's location, as I moved due to a new position (which is located even closer to her place!). She just said 'Oh', and then couldn't even say 'congrats'. All she had to say was 'Too bad you won't be able to walk to work', as if I should be upset. I don't mind taking the train, though. Just so I won't be in such close proximity anymore; and the ride is only 15 minutes into the city anyway!

One more point I made to her; because I work with a lot of people, I could possibly be exposed to the Coronavirus. While this statement is true (and I feel just fine, but out of responsibility would take the test from time to time once available), isn't it a shame that I felt good telling my own mother this, just so I'd have a continued excuse to keep away? 

I was wondering if anyone else broke their grey rock NC practice with their own NPD's due to putting them back in their place, and how did you handle it? The last thing that happened was she repeated, in her sickening voice she does when she is feeling evil, about paying her her money, that I threw back at her how she received financial help from my grandfather (rest his beautiful soul), for years! This is a man she disrespected by telling him, when he was depressed and sick with Parkinson's at the time, that who would want to take care of an old man? I wasn't as responsive to her in those days, but I should have yelled at her then. All I know is that and much, much more lead up to how I deal with her now. She didn't respond to that statement about owing him and my grandmother (who is still alive, but is a flying monkey of my mother). So, I just said 'good-bye' and thought I'd receive a text or voicemail message. The last I checked, I didn't. While it was nice while catching up on my work, I couldn't help but wonder what she was doing/thinking.

I know I need to get back to grey rocking it, asap, keep meditating and definitely keep the faith with prayers. Is it possible to hit the reset button here?

Bless you all and keep well in body, mind and spirit!

[LoverofPeace]

Just wondering if my particular issues are too complicated to answer? I surely could use some feedback; am I wrong how this was handled?

Also, this whole thing is very draining and feels somewhat isolating, while being so inundated with feeling like these PD problems are always lurking, along with having my work and deadlines.

[Andeza]

On the weekends I notice the forum is a little more quiet. I read this last night before bed and didn't want to reply before I was fully awake.

Your M is definitely out of line. Sounds almost like she thought the boyfriend was why you weren't speaking to her or some nonsense? And now that he's gone you ought to fall back into line... Just the vibe I'm getting.

I haven't broken NC, but that's because I've got my own M blocked on every platform except USPS. And I'd block that too if I could, but alas, not possible. But there's nothing wrong with breaking your own rule, you just dust yourself off, get back up, and get back to your usual self. It's not like you get one chance to protect yourself, there's not a really hard line in the sand here.

I will add that setting them straight or whatnot basically goes in one ear and out the other. They choose how they want to see and hear others, regardless of the words that come out of our mouths. In other words, I find it's usually a pointless exercise where I waste my breath and my M promptly forgets or dismisses everything I just said. Or weaponizes it, or uses it to waif about to others. 

I find that any time I allow one particular emotion to get hold of me, I feel drained and exhausted... So I try to hold onto a balance and not to let my temper, which is quite something to see, get the better of me.

[LoverofPeace]

Thank you so much, Andeza.

I didn't realize it but I see what you mean about the weekends, so my apologies as of course people have other things to take care of.

That's how I also feel about the boyfriend. She thinks one servant left and I'm supposed to be the other servant to step in; as if she is the one who granted to me the no contact time while he was there with her. He's a little younger than her but he is still a senior who is on a fixed income and lives hundreds of miles away, so I don't know why he puts up with her. I hate the way she tends to talk about him when he is going above and beyond for her. At first, I offered him and even gave him money for gas for his car because he doesn't fly. But I was trying to give him  something without her knowing which turned out to be impossible. So now I just look to protect myself and am no contact. He is a nice guy and is probably thinking I'm an ungrateful daughter. But he's also a parent himself and is old fashioned, so you know how they tend to think the parent is never wrong.

I just want to be able to breathe and get back to me. I've been so good at balancing all these complications I am dealing with at the same time, so I do feel a bit entitled to get anyone who is imbalanced off my back!

You're right, and I know it's pointless trying to set her straight. It just felt so good, though.

Thanks again. I wish I could post more often; even now I am behind in school work, but needed to stop for my own sanity because she managed to get inside of my head again. Sad that we know they will try to come at us somehow, someway. Watch out for USPS! 

[Andeza]

  I just didn't want you thinking you were being ignored is all, no need to apologize.

Time to serve up that eviction notice to get her out of your head. Sounds like you've got more than enough going on without any added stress. Take care of yourself!

[SunnyMeadow]

I was wondering if anyone else broke their grey rock NC practice with their own NPD's due to putting them back in their place, and how did you handle it?

I noticed you had many views with no replies earlier. I haven't had experience with the question you asked so I didn't reply. BUT - I have a lot of experience with a uPDmother unfortunately. I wanted to offer you some support even though I don't have the NC experience you asked about.

I broke NC because she waifed and gave a non-apology and I guess I was simply ready for the guilt to go away. I wasn't strong enough to keep up NC. Your replies to her sound like you're a strong person and aren't giving in to her hoovering tactics, good for you! Stay strong and she can fade into the background again.

Her "yes, you hurt me" and "didn't you see my text about my boyfriend" is just so typical. All about them, always has been - always will be. My uPDmother is back in my life but she doesn't add any good thing or benefit to me. I still feel anxious when I don't hear from her and anxious if I do.

Stay strong and protect yourself from her. 

[LoverofPeace]

Exactly how I feel Andeza, thanks! 

I usually pray to God for answers, and always will, but I know she got in my head because it just kept pounding instead of being able to concentrate on that quiet voice that speaks positively to me.

Definitely time to evict! 

[LoverofPeace]

Hi Sunny Meadow,

Thanks for clarifying. I just really wanted to know if anyone had to go off on them to have them back up.  I also know there's so many elements to what I wrote. Geez, it's just all too much with them!

Your mother is lucky to have you around. I was trying to silently hang around the outside in case of an emergency, as I was ALWAYS there during normal and emergency times;  but then things like this come up and I just don't know at all anymore.

I want you to know that your words feel so encouraging concerning staying strong. I am praying for her to fade right out of my life after all she's done since I was a child. It's the control tactics, manipulation, sabotage, recklessness and name calling that I can't take anymore.

Like you said, I have to stay strong and protect me now. Don't forget to do the same for you! 

Sending many blessings to you, Andeza and us all!