[Vent] Antagonizing Me On Facebook

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EscapeGoat

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[Vent] Antagonizing Me On Facebook
« on: March 15, 2020, 04:16:45 AM »
My dad is so utterly disrespectful to me on Facebook and I don't understand why. When I'm posting something he likes, he will comment something about himself, and at first, I chalked this up to him being a bit socially inept.

He would post a sarcastic meme or status to bully me about saying something he didn't like. For instance, he asked me how I'm doing. I said, "I'm okay, a bit tired from work."

Next thing I know, he posts a meme on Facebook, chiding 20-year-olds for complaining about their life and "Wait until you're 40 blah blah blah!"

Like damn, I'm just trying to talk. Calm the eff down.

I posted today about how I only saw fresh produce remaining, so I made a salad and celebrated a stronger immune system. Trying to look on the bright side. He randomly comments with "Seriously?" He started ranting about how, when I had been a teenager, he begged me to participate in a garden and I wouldn't.

Am I supposed to feel guilty for not being interested in a garden? He knows that I had been depressed due to our drug-addicted (now ex) stepmom and my uBPD/N Mom. It's like I'm being scolded by my dad for something I didn't do a loooong time ago.

What the heck did I do? What's the point with being so antagonistic with me on Facebook? He wants me to talk to him, yet he won't talk to me without me initiating, and often won't reply to my texts. I posted about him during phone calls too: interrupts, admonishes me for something totally random, condescends, and primarily talks about himself.

Now, he wants to pick fights with me on social media about my stubborn adolescence? Hello Dad, it's me, a financially independent adult!

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: [Vent] Antagonizing Me On Facebook
« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2020, 10:47:30 AM »
I got off of facebook because of similar things with my uPDmom. Can you block him or limit what he sees of your posts? In my opinion they do it because they want attention, any kind of attention will do.

I've seen where my uPDmom posts long, self absorbed comments on other people's pages and the person would delete the comment. You could try that, then if he keeps posting his nonsense, block him.

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GettingOOTF

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Re: [Vent] Antagonizing Me On Facebook
« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2020, 12:01:00 PM »
I I friended and blocked family members on Facebook and other social media.

My experience with disordered people is that they will take what ever opportunity you give them to abuse you.

I know its a big step. I thought about it  it for a long time and was worried when I finally did it but the peace is worth it. 

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freedom77

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Re: [Vent] Antagonizing Me On Facebook
« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2020, 12:20:48 PM »
 :yeahthat:

I actually deleted my Facebook, but there again...I'm not that big on social media to begin with. The peace is worth it.

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DetachedAndEngaged

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Re: [Vent] Antagonizing Me On Facebook
« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2020, 01:05:37 PM »
You can set your posts to exclude appearing to specific people without unfriending or blocking them, both of which can lead to drama you may want to avoid.

My wife and I do this with her uNPD sister. Works like a charm.

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No.

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Re: [Vent] Antagonizing Me On Facebook
« Reply #5 on: March 15, 2020, 02:10:29 PM »
I agree with blocking. You don't have to explain why you don't want someone, ANYone, on your social media. It's your choice.

My dad is SO like yours. Let me tell ya', I'm MIDDLE AGED and he still does this stuff if I don't block him! Everything is all about him, and he seems to think his comments are "cute" and funny, or proving some point. Treats me like a tiny child.

Nm would also comment, usually with some victimish comment or tone. Why are they so quick to answer? Why do they turn it all around on themselves? Oh yeah, because narc.

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EscapeGoat

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Re: [Vent] Antagonizing Me On Facebook
« Reply #6 on: March 15, 2020, 04:32:32 PM »
He texted me back today with banal small talk about the outbreak, and I responsed that I take my acne outbreaks more seriously. Nothing except an lol. Tried to continue talking, but no response.

I'm done lol. He pays my phone bill, but I'm about to sacrifice that small financial relief for my wellbeing. Thank you all, it's good to hear you can relate. I'm trying to be amicable with him but apparently that's not good enough. Nothing's good enough.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: [Vent] Antagonizing Me On Facebook
« Reply #7 on: March 16, 2020, 08:06:27 AM »
For a long time I put people in "Restricted" group and posted to "Everyone Except Restricted" because I feared repercussions. From their side it merely appeared I'm not posting. I added people in as needed eventually blocking once I felt atrong enough. It was also a non event except for one because the others just assumed I'd disappeared. The one who did confront didn't do so directly but mentioned it to my husband. It didn't change my decision.

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He pays my phone bill, but I'm about to sacrifice that small financial relief for my wellbeing.
that's a great idea

 
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Nothing's good enough.
nope nothing so I gave up, live my life
« Last Edit: March 16, 2020, 08:09:08 AM by Spring Butterfly »
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth,Gentle Boundaries,Emotional Healing blog

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p123

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Re: [Vent] Antagonizing Me On Facebook
« Reply #8 on: March 16, 2020, 10:18:28 AM »
You can set your posts to exclude appearing to specific people without unfriending or blocking them, both of which can lead to drama you may want to avoid.

My wife and I do this with her uNPD sister. Works like a charm.

Yep my brother is set to this. I can see his posts he can't see mine.
He used facebook to FM me and check up on me. I'd get comments if I'd taken the kids out like "why don't you take the time to see Dad if you've got spare time?". Blocked.

My SIL is totally blocked. I'd post pics of snow etc at 7am as I was off to work standing at the train station. I saw her in person and she started ranting "all you do is moan on facebook with all the money you get". 

I dont need that for light hearted posts, and anyway, she had no idea what I earned just assumed it was more than her. It was she has ZERO qualifications and Im a graduate with 30 years experience  and I've worked hard. Jealousy...... Not interested. Blocked.

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blues_cruise

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Re: [Vent] Antagonizing Me On Facebook
« Reply #9 on: March 18, 2020, 10:56:19 AM »
Ugh, I've heard others refer to Facebook as a "PD's playground" and it's so true. If they're covert then they have all these stupid, narrow minded memes at their disposal to passive aggressively have a dig at you with the option to completely deny that it's directed at you if you protest.

My dad is so utterly disrespectful to me on Facebook and I don't understand why. When I'm posting something he likes, he will comment something about himself, and at first, I chalked this up to him being a bit socially inept.

His ego is fragile so Facebook is an easy, passive aggressive way to put you down in order to make him feel better about himself. I really don't understand how anyone can act like that and it's completely cruel, particularly when directed at your own child whom a healthy, loving parent would want to build up rather than put down.

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I posted today about how I only saw fresh produce remaining, so I made a salad and celebrated a stronger immune system. Trying to look on the bright side. He randomly comments with "Seriously?" He started ranting about how, when I had been a teenager, he begged me to participate in a garden and I wouldn't.

Am I supposed to feel guilty for not being interested in a garden? He knows that I had been depressed due to our drug-addicted (now ex) stepmom and my uBPD/N Mom. It's like I'm being scolded by my dad for something I didn't do a loooong time ago.

Maintaining a garden from years ago shouldn't have anything to do with you buying a salad, how ridiculous. Sounds like he has a lot of grudges which he's transferring to the present day, which is entirely on him to process and work through. Not your problem at all. You were entirely within your rights to not be interested in a garden, not many teenagers are and a healthy minded parent would just shrug and let it go.   

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What the heck did I do? What's the point with being so antagonistic with me on Facebook? He wants me to talk to him, yet he won't talk to me without me initiating, and often won't reply to my texts. I posted about him during phone calls too: interrupts, admonishes me for something totally random, condescends, and primarily talks about himself.


You've done nothing wrong, trust me. :hug: He sounds just like my dad, with every interaction being a dig and a put down and showing little interest in between (until he needed something). You can try speaking to him about it to be the bigger person but I suspect from what you've told us (and from my own experience with similar behaviour) that this would get thrown back in your face. I'd experiment with Facebook privacy settings to see if restricting him can work for you. If someone mistreats you then you are entirely within your rights to place such a boundary. Currently it's just far too easy for him to be passive aggressively cruel towards you and you shouldn't have to put up with it.
"You are not what has happened to you. You are what you choose to become." - Carl Gustav Jung

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou

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Happypants

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Re: [Vent] Antagonizing Me On Facebook
« Reply #10 on: March 19, 2020, 08:14:48 AM »
Im so sorry hes doing that to you, especially if youre using social media for leisure and to get away from all the abuse.  Be careful not to respond in a way that plays into his game like i did with my mother:

I recently had a memory appear on facebook.  It was a photograph from 3-4 years ago of a supermarket receipt with the date and time circled.  I had visited my parents, then after 1.5 hrs (you would think that was enough time  :roll:) i left saying that i had to do a full food shop for a week.  But when i got to the supermarket i realised i didnt have enough time after the visit to complete a full shop, so i bought i couple of days of food.  I got home, popped onto facebook, shared a daft meme about something.  My mother within a couple of minutes responded to the completely unrelated meme well, that was a quick food shop.  I stupidly, and in a panicked state, desperate to prove that I hadnt lied when i said i was leaving to go to the supermarket, posted a photo of the receipt in response, to prove i had, in fact, gone to the supermarket/wasnt lying and had just spent less time than planned.

When my other half came home from work, i told him what had happened (as if posting the photo in response was a normal reaction  :stars: :sadno: ).  He pointed out how nuts it was of ME to respond in that way.  She completely and utterly got what she wanted: me looking like an overreacting idiot, her looking like shed made an innocent comment.

From then on, i deal with seeing her online and her comments as they come and prioritise my own mental health.  If i see shes online and Im feeling anxious, i go offline and i dont care if it looks obvious.  If she replies to something or tags me, Ill either ignore it, come back to it and reply or reply right away depending on whether i think its innocent or not.  Im not letting her have much influence over me, and the way i figure it is shes going to try to make me look/feel bad regardless. 

As others have said, you can restrict the audience and perhaps drip-feed the odd post or comment for his eyes here and there so he doesnt get suspicious perhaps.  Whatever works best for you, but dont let it interfere with your use of social media, especially if it gives you ways to communicate and mix with others who make you feel good x
« Last Edit: March 19, 2020, 08:16:24 AM by Happypants »

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EscapeGoat

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Re: [Vent] Antagonizing Me On Facebook
« Reply #11 on: March 19, 2020, 02:40:57 PM »
I’m so sorry he’s doing that to you, especially if you’re using social media for leisure and to get away from all the abuse.  Be careful not to respond in a way that plays into his game like i did with my mother:

I recently had a memory appear on facebook.  It was a photograph from 3-4 years ago of a supermarket receipt with the date and time circled.  I had visited my parents, then after 1.5 hrs (you would think that was enough time  :roll:) i left saying that i had to do a full food shop for a week.  But when i got to the supermarket i realised i didnt have enough time after the visit to complete a full shop, so i bought i couple of days of food.  I got home, popped onto facebook, shared a daft meme about something.  My mother within a couple of minutes responded to the completely unrelated meme “well, that was a quick food shop”.  I stupidly, and in a panicked state, desperate to prove that I hadn’t lied when i said i was leaving to go to the supermarket, posted a photo of the receipt in response, to prove i had, in fact, gone to the supermarket/wasnt lying and had just spent less time than planned.

When my other half came home from work, i told him what had happened (as if posting the photo in response was a normal reaction  :stars: :sadno: ).  He pointed out how nuts it was of ME to respond in that way.  She completely and utterly got what she wanted: me looking like an overreacting idiot, her looking like she’d made an innocent comment.

From then on, i deal with seeing her online and her comments as they come and prioritise my own mental health.  If i see she’s online and I’m feeling anxious, i go offline and i dont care if it looks obvious.  If she replies to something or tags me, I’ll either ignore it, come back to it and reply or reply right away depending on whether i think it’s innocent or not.  I’m not letting her have much influence over me, and the way i figure it is she’s going to try to make me look/feel bad regardless. 

As others have said, you can restrict the audience and perhaps drip-feed the odd post or comment for his eyes here and there so he doesn’t get suspicious perhaps.  Whatever works best for you, but dont let it interfere with your use of social media, especially if it gives you ways to communicate and mix with others who make you feel good x

Yeah I know what you mean... I responded to him after backspacking so many times with, "You don't text me back for weeks and this is how you talk to me on Facebook comments?" while also pointing out that he should know why I had been to depressed in my teens to participate in a garden. One family member liked my response--which assured me a bit, but I still felt like a total dunce for not simply ignoring and deleting the comment. I think he rightfully felt embarassed, though. Unlike my Cluster B, he can't mask his weirdness.

I've never had any issues on social media until I decided to be nice and add him to my friends list. Smh.

Thank you for the reassurance. Most people would dismiss it as petty drama on social media, but for me, it's just him continuing the same patterns on a different platform. The patterns which led to our strained relationship in the first place.
« Last Edit: March 26, 2020, 08:18:32 AM by xredshoesx »