Getting sucked into the blame trap

Started by NumbLotus, March 15, 2020, 05:10:46 PM

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NumbLotus

This hapoens all the time. It is so confusing.

H gets angry about being asked to do anything, even grocery shop. Shopping twice a month means he is my personal slave. It's not even something he does for the family or as a father, but for his constantly demanding wife who is riding his butt from sunup to sundown. Driving his daughter to an appointment is something he does FOR ME and I OWE him. If I suddenly died  he somehow would not have to work for a living anymore, care for his daughter in any way, or even do his dishes. It's all my fault.

Anyway, moving from my rant to this weird jiu jitsu move.

I mention that St Patrick's Day is coming up, which is actually observed by our family because of his family traditions. I've been sick, though, and I'm not seeing it happen on Tuesday. I talk this out and mention that we could do it later in the week depending on his work schedule. So I'm saying I don't want to do it Tuesday, I'm too tired to clean up the house tomorrow.

He gets annoyed and says, well today is my day off (and Tuesday is too) SO I GUESS I HAVE TO GO GROCERY SHOPPING. And, "I was PLANNING TO DO THINGS TODAY BUT I GUESS I CAN'T." (Side note: it's 6pm. Not shaping up to be a productive day, kwim? But he will mentally blame it on me, a WHOLE DAY WASTED picking up ham and cabbage. NO WONDER he can't get anything done.)

But wait, I literally just said I was thinking Tuesday wasn't gonna work. He took that and flipped it into me demanding Tuesday like a shrew, with no regard for his busy schedule of... sleeping all day.

Wow!

So I tried to point this out. "Why are you going shopping today when I literally just said it's nkt gonna work?"

"Can you just GIVE ME THE SHOPPING LIST??"

"Why? You're the one demanding it be Tuesday, not me. And you're blaming me on top of everything else!"

"Why do you have to make everything SO HARD JUST GIVE ME THE LIST"

I walked away. He went in his room and slammed the door.

All over me musing that Tuesday didn't look like a goid day for it.

Cue the snoring in 5.. 4... 3....

The snoring at 6pm will drive me OUT OF MY ENTIRE MIND.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

NumbLotus

Argh. Okay, so he came back in and apologized through gritted teeth. Gave me his schedule. We worked out a plan.

Unlike the PDs many others here have, I don't consider mine manipulative. I see him as basically playing defense only, never offense (not that nothing he does is offensive but that it seems to only be driven by a defensive need).

I am thinking that:

1) He gets frustrated with any requests on his time, no matter how reasonable and infrequent, because he is somehow ill

2) As a PD, his emotions drive facts rather than the reverse. So when his frustration (overwhelm) rose up, instead of being able to say "what am I feeling? Is this reasonable?" He just knows he feels bad so it must be caused by me. I said something to cause his feeling (I could actually agree with that premise) so it must be my fault (I disgaree with that conclusion).

3) As a PD he is also suspicious of motives and with his personal history if a mother always trying to get wirk she feels he owes her out if him, he may have felt I was being disingenuous. That I meant "get your butt to the grocery store now" when I was saying I didn't think Tuesday was a goid day. Which is a real shame. If I wanted Tuesday, I would have asked if he could do it. Not pretended the opposite. I'm not like that at all. I hate that he thinks of me like that. I hate the idea that he sees me as a manipulator. I think this is the worst part for me.

So his move of blaming me for a thing I didn't even want was built out if him seeing me as a manipulator. Always suspicious of motives. His mother is kind of narcy but she doesn't manipulate, she straight uo demands. No hidden messages whatsoever. And I don't see that in how he described his dad either - his dad was similar to him, explosive and blamey and such but not manipulative that I'm aware of. Why me?

I see that his emotions are nkt well controlled today. I think his apology was sincere but it was gritted because he is still in a bad state, could easily be set off again. Yelled at DD earlier, too, for something stupid.

UGHHHHHH I think the snoring has started. I can't take snoring at this hour. Between 4pm and 10pm I insist on a snore free house, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

NumbLotus

Yup, snoring. We have several times made an agreement that between 4pm and 10pm, if he lays down he has to put on his CPAP. he wears it at night so that's fine but for some reason he won't wear it if he takes a nap after getting up at 3 or 4. Why?

Why do promises just get forgotten? Why do they have to be renegotiated over and over? Why can't he just keep his word? Does a promise get stale and have to be renewed every couple of momths?

He says "I'm sick, can't I just lay down??" Yes, WITH A MASK.

Remember, half an hour ago he was mad about picking up a ham because he had things he wanted to get done.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear