my partner is acting up again!!

[Dodo]

I haven't been here for awhile, I am new and wrote on the new forum about my problems with my partner 6 weeks ago or so .  We are usually good for a month or 2 sometimes, then something comes up and then here we go again.  Last night I went over to my sons to babysit, they don't  ask me often so I'm always happy to do so.  They are a 1/2 hour drive away and it was around 10:30pm when I drove home.  Well I get home and (i'll call him F) went on and on about how they have a nerve to ask me to go all the way out there and that I am always at their beck and call and don't they realize I am in a relationship... WHAT I said I just let him rant and rave, he totally dislikes my daughter in law and he holds a grudge forever.  I have told him he can always come with me if he is so concerned but of course he won't.  F is a home body and will not travel, go away for weekends or venture too far from home.  he suffers bad anxiety and has been this way his whole life. He blames others all the time, says things about my 2 grown children that he says are just a joke but it has a mean undertone.  We have been together for just over 3 years, but it has been rocky.  When we are alone we get along great, have lots of laughs and when we don't, usually because of me wanting to venture to see family and friends, well then we argue, he is one of these circular arguers who accuses me of defending other people when we argue and says I am never on his side, but the way he talks about others is awful to me and he just thinks because others don't hear him it's OK to be that way n front of me.  I am financially independent and don't need this but find myself so confused and always worrying if this is what the rest of my life is going to look like!!! When he's charming he's so charming but his problems only I see, other people think he's a great guy!
Any thoughts .....
going kook kook

[notrightinthehead]

Dodo, I urge you to read the TOOLBOX, especially, Medium Chill, JADE, boundaries and grey rock! Then implement these tools. It's good and healthy that you do not let him keep you from seeing your family - if possible increase the frequency of outside social contacts, see friends, go to events (once this virus madness is over). Wheh he complains, you could say kindly, 'I am sorry you feel that way' and then go away. Do not get into a circular argument.
It sounds like your partner is happy and pleasant when your attention is focused solely on him and unpleasant when it is not. It's your choice to make how much of your exclusive attention you are willing to give him. 

[Liftedfog]

Honestly sounds like my life for 30 years.  Difference I let him isolate me from friends and family. I couldn't take the constant conflict and his ranting about them.  It was easier living with him if I had zero contact with them  I hoped it would end his complaining   but it didn't .   He still ranted about them it was complete nonsense and made up  crap in his head.   He did it to be able to control me and have me all to himself.  But it still wasn't enough for him. He wanted to control more and more.  I know he wished he could control even my thoughts. It bothered him that he could not read my head.   Seek therapy and it will make you stronger and see why you stay in this abusive relationship.  It is abuse and you deserve better.

[Dodo]

Thank you for your thoughts and advice, I will seek out these books or articles you are speaking of.  When notrightinthehead wrote " your partner is happy and pleasant when your attention is focused solely on him and unpleasant when it is not" this really hit home because you hit it right on the nail, as long as I'm fussing over him he's great, I have to add that he always wants me to keep him in the loop like when I'm making plans he gets crazy when I don't tell him about it.  Anyway thank you both for the advice and it is very comforting to know people out there know what I'm talking about and have had similar experiences with a partner.