Covid- h home for a month

[Mary]

Suggestions for getting along when uNPDh is working from home for a month due to COVID-19? Things can be so volatile.

[Cascade]

My husband has been working at home for several months now, and I was just surviving because I was still working part time. Now I've been laid off due to the covid situation and I am really struggling and it's only the second day! Looking for advice too. I'm trying to focus on my hobbies but, you know, just being together all the time...ugh! 

[11JB68]

This is tough. It's hard seeing peoples posts on FB about how nice it is to have time at home with family. I was dreading wfh...
Uocpdh works from home and right now isn't working due toa recent medical issue. He is needy.

[Frankie14]

Ditto..

I ran out of patience for my H being home 24/7 over a decade ago...immediately upon marriage he quit his traditional 'day job' to work from my home as a 'salesmen', but whoops I also work from home - I told him NOT to quit his job, he didn't listen..I told him that - all this togetherness non stop was horrific for a marriage. H didn't care, his desire to come and go as he pleased, barely earning, sleeping in, napping, golfing was much more important than working outside the home.  Cut to - we have a pandemic on our hands, and NFW is he staying home all day...NFW..

I wore out of patience for the home bound man -- years and years and years and years ago.

Monday am - 8 am - my sons and come downstairs and H is on the couch staring at his iPhone, feet up on the coffee table, I take one look at him and said NOPE, this doesn't look like an office to me...the COUCH is not an office. 

H said BUT MY OFFICE IS SHUT DOWN, and I SAID DON'T START, you have been in this house for the better part of our marriage, staring at a phone or sitting on a couch, you do not need to more of that and it's BAD FOR THE BOYS to see you sitting on a couch, they have seen QUITE ENOUGH OF THAT their entire lives. 

H has refused to 'work' in the guest bedroom with desk, TV etc., and will only sprawl out on the couch in pajamas, OR stand in the kitchen (I am not kidding) COUGHING, all over the place...

He is not sick but does have allergies..

So, I said get out of here daily, find someplace to go and .. come back at 3 then take the boys out for an activity on the beach or golf range but sitting here all day...

My H used up his 'retirement' or COVID home work privileges to be a bum in his 30's and almost all of his 40's...

Cascade...Good luck...keep busy however you can...

Mary - hang in there...

11 - agree, when I see the Social Media "Dads cooking" and 'home ec with Dad' posts - I think those kids have never had 'remote/home working' or laid off or home bound Dad, this is a once in a lifetime event for them..for my kids it's the complete opposite.  Their Dad finally got out of our house to work daily as of January...he's baaaackkkkk...

ETA; My two boys have 'online learning' and have to log into their schools at 8:30 am...and we have a puppy...so with H home all day - its a disaster..one we have all lived thru for far too long...this isn't novel or fun or a new 'family experience' to have DAD home ALL DAY --- we have ALL lost patience for H being home constantly ages ago..

The only time in my entire life my father worked from home was after Hurricane Gloria...that my H has spent our entire marriage fighting me to stay home all day - has been something I will never forgive or forget..

[SeaBreeze]

Watching this thread and seeking tips as well. uNPDH and I both worked from home this week and DS is doing online classes til school re-opens next month. It's only been one week and DS and I already agree, privately, that we aren't sure how much longer we can handle all this "family togetherness" with H! I am fine tuning my already-practiced MC, no JADE, etc.

Everyone please stay safe, sanitized...and sane!

[Mary]

Ok, We're one week in. Some good, some crazy-making.

uNPh is teaching online, and thankfully his boss is being very strict about him posting lesson plans, meetings, etc. So the kids and I do have some time in the mornings to do our work. Also, dh was planning to quit his job (so we could go live on a sailboat--I'm not kidding) and all this change to working from home seems to be providing the change/supply he was craving. Praise God he signed next year's contract. Since then, he has been doing some really sweet dad things with the kids which is very nice.

The normal daily homeschool routine is in total disarray. I'm having to rethink and rearrange, but realize I need to set some boundaries here. WAY too much TV and video games.

In all the "family togetherness" I'm starting to just announce that I'm going to bed, not watching yet another movie, etc. It's taking a few times, but dh is starting to follow suit. I want the kids to see that it's ok to retreat to their rooms or go outside some on their own. When my husband took a nap today it was such a reprieve.

I really want to start sitting by a campfire in the evenings, but dh prefers TV time. My goal is to be intentional and do this for myself. It will give me time to talk on the phone with friends, read to the kids, and step away. I've started taking my Bible outside and spending some quiet time alone with God and that helps too.

I don't know why I feel so obligated to be with h all the time. It's just not healthy. Praying to find a better balance.

[Cascade]

I decided to go for a walk today, and as I was leaving my husband asked me why I didn't wait for his work to be done, so we can go together. Thankfully I had a logical excuse. I wish I could just say I needed some time to myself but he wouldn't take that well.

[Liftedfog]

I would not survive the uncertainty of the length of time at home.  Weekends together with expdh was torture.  What they just don't get is we would be ok with being together if they weren't so abusive.  Mine would be controlling my every second.  Horrible times.

[Lauren17]

I strongly recommend setting up a daily schedule and some rules for working and studying from home. And then defend them to the bitter end!

Some rules I've established.
On weekdays
Regular bedtimes and wake up times
everyone gets dressed and eats breakfast first thing in the morning
Everyone gets some kind of exercise every day.

We wrote down a daily schedule with times for working/studying, meals and entertainment

Of course, h comes and goes as he pleases. But the schedule helps define boundaries.
"No the kids can't play video games with you now. Its bedtime. "
"The planned time for my break is 2;00, that's why I didn't wait for you to go on my walk."

Also, I think many, if not all, of the people on Facebook are hiding troubles too. We always put our most positive face out to the world. 
I do feel jealous when I see the neighborhood dads outside playing with their kids. H came home the other day requesting we do something outside. Kids picked an activity. H says,That's not what I wanted to do, and then he leaves!! sigh

[Mary]

Thanks for the tips Lauren17. I needed that encouragement.

[bloomie]

Loving the thoughts and suggestions in this thread. Restructuring our days and setting a schedule for the greater good of the household and including in that times we are available from in the morning (so mom's/wife is not available until 8 am for example) and break out time during the day, going forward without too much explanation and reclaiming our time when our family is suddenly home with us 24/7 is more important than ever imv PD or no PD in the home. 

And this could actually set precedent and redirect how we give over our time when our H's are home going forward and SIP is over.

What I felt I was confronting with my own H and this was before SIP, was a long held expectation on his part that my time and attention always be available to him should he choose to engage. That extended to the kids. We never really knew when that reemergence into our world would be. And I twisty turned myself into a pretzel in the middle of our busy lives trying to suddenly pivot and meet that expectation.

I was way too accommodating and had to walk that back with boundaries that are lived out and if necessary spoken. It took consistency and time and I found myself more empowered and less frustrated with him, myself, less trapped feeling if that resonates with others, and began taking up some room in the relationship and home instead of giving it all over to someone who was inconsistently 'present' and consistently entitled. 

The isolation we are all experiencing right now seems to increase the  temptation to compare our lives to others either by SM posts, texts, seeing others connecting in our neighborhoods and it is easy to find ourselves discouraged. Reminding myself to check my internal boundaries and look at what I am allowing in my thinking is helpful and some days I am better at that than others.

I am very careful about how much exposure I allow myself to SM and the ongoing cycling news feed and too much stimulus like television in general. Especially in the evening as you mentioned Mary. I just can't have all of the harsh stim before bed.

Creating a calm atmosphere for ourselves and our children as much as we can on awakening and going into our evening rest is so important. No media past a certain time in the evening and beautiful music playing, or playing some music of our own, or reading with candles lit for myself and then reading aloud to my children a book everyone can enjoy for a more quiet time at night. Just some thoughts of things that were grounding and helpful for me.

Another thing is looking at when the kids go to their rooms in the evening. I don't mean go to bed necessarily, but maybe they are in their rooms reading or doing art work or whatever a bit earlier during all of this? Everyone needs some time and space to themselves even if they don't know it. 

Also, a great resource I wanted to share: Dr. John Townsend is hosting a FB vid series called Tools for Living in Crisis and it will be once a week and goes through the end of May and I am finding them really helpful. Here is a link in case anyone is interested:

https://www.facebook.com/Dr.JohnTownsend/videos/656056098527993/

Let's keep holding each other up and sharing like this!

[SparkStillLit]

Bloomie that bit about "inconsistently present and consistently entitled" is so true for me! And the sudden pivot to try to meet that! I'm just now coming to these realizations and making space for myself not to do that and to have my own times. Lots of pushback of course, but "stand your ground! " I'm just not budging. I'm mean and cold and not communicating and blah blah blah. Yeah well, if you don't like it, go find someone warm and nice and communicative to support your ass. Idgaf.

[SparkStillLit]

Also, what I do is walk the dogs, get up early and have private peaceful time to myself because no one is up; have coffee, chat with friends (virtually). Some days I go in to actual work, if I have field inspections or what have you. (I've always loved my job, but now I love it MORE! OUTSIDE!  BY MYSELF!!) If home, I have consistently kicked him out of my office enough he's got the picture and leaves me alone. I'd shut the door, but the cats don't get the picture AT ALL and I don't want all the meowing! I had a cat in my morning meeting twice now. Coworkers were extremely amused.
Gardening outside. H isn't much for outside at the house. My yard is going to be as bomb as I can afford, dammit!!
He does go out with our DS and participate in their sport. I try to encourage that daily, and have offered to take DS if H won't go....which is motivating for H. I can't be better about it or more involved than HIM. See, you can make this work FOR you! It has to be something they care about, though. If they don't care, like so many things, forget it.
Anyway, that's some of my stuff.

[heron]

I've been working from home most of the last year, and I didn't realize until covid how bad I was at defending my work time, or how stressful it is to be in the house with uBPDW and never knowing when there will be a crisis or she'll interrupt or she'll be listening to my call and criticize me about it later.

Shortly before shelter in place, I got out for a mini-vacation of a few days in a nearby town and it was heaven. Control of my time, able to relax, pay for lunch instead of making it, be around other (normal, nice) people. Once it's allowed, I plan to start going there a few days a week and working from cafes.

Meanwhile, having no natural breaks from uBPDW or meetings out of the house has forced me to set a schedule and be clear and strict about what my work hours are, and when I'm available to her. It's hard, and she hates it and resents my work even more than she did before, but it's so good and so necessary. I think the purity and simplicity of this 24/7 shelter in place, while it's really hard for us, is also an incredible opportunity to set better boundaries.

[11JB68]

Heron: "listening to my call and criticize me about it later."
My uocpdh does this too!

[SparkStillLit]

Mine as well.
He takes all his calls behind closed doors, in his vehicle, outside, everywhere where no one is.
If I try to take a call where he can't hear and criticize....well, you all know the drill.

[Cascade]

He takes all his calls behind closed doors, in his vehicle, outside, everywhere where no one is.

I thought my husband was the only one to do this! As soon as his phone rings he heads for the door.

[11JB68]

Well I have to say I only talk on the phone to friends in my car.
Only time I have any privacy/freedom from Updh.
Otherwise he listens, complains, criticises, and tries to get me to hurry off my call.