Slight change of tactics

[P&K]

My dh received a birthday card from bpdmil this week. Cash for him (a fifth of the amount from years past) and an obnoxious amount for our children for Easter. All notes are exclusively to him and the actual bday message is so full of passive aggressive language masquerading as a pretty words and sentiments. That said, it may not appear toxic to a random person and I wonder if DH is overlooking this garbage or sees it for what it is. I don’t want to put a damper on his bday by analyzing this right away

I see more of the same dysfunction in a more controlled format and am faintly humoured how she manages to convey that I am wholly discarded now(letter attached to kids money is addressed to dh only with instructions how to spend it). I was very irritated at first but now just accept it as further proof she hasn’t and likely won’t change. I do see that she really believes she is the benevolent victim in every situation or wants us to see it that way. It’s sick and disheartening.

I did have a moment to ponder if I am being unreasonable/ seeing things that weren’t there and was feeling anxious about that. In fairness, I’ve been wavering slightly over the last while as the avalanche of raging/waify phone calls/vm to DH had abruptly stopped in the new year. The more I’ve reread the card, the more it just reaffirms that reconnecting with her is not in my best interest.  Bpdmil did not express this desire explicitly. I know DH speaks with his father over the phone once every week or two and she likely gets a word with him here and there. I wonder if she thinks he will cave in time. This is his relationship and he seems alright with the status quo so will continue with life as I have been.

Any thoughts on how to handle this? Discuss with DH? Ignore and carry on? This stuff is hard sometimes.

[treesgrowslowly]

I also have items sent to our home from MIL that are to everyone but me.

It was really hard at first. I didn't know why it bothered me. Took me a while to sort out why it bothered me so much.

I think most of us expect a MIL to be decent, if not happy, to have a DIL.

But when a MIL is in a position where her relationship to her son isn't something she wants to change or update or even discuss with anyone, she ends up doing the things you describe. She wants what SHE wants. She wants to write a card that is passive aggressive, she does it.

I dunno. I've been through the ringer with mine (although not according to her) and now I have come to see that if a MIL doesnt make her DIL feel respected in that first year they meet each other, the dynamic is probably never going to be healthy and the DIL has to deal with it as best she can.

MILs who are PD and / or rigid or immature won't change just because we wish they would. They can create a lot of pain for other people to absorb.

There is NC, and then there's the work to address the pain they caused us as DILs. Two important tasks for any DIL who was sent a PD (or simply hurtful, immature) MIL by the universe.

Sorry you are in this boat too.

Trees

[bloomie]

P&K count me as another dil whose actual existence is ignored or erased by in laws.

This kind of thing... addressing cards, gifts, letters to everyone in the household but you is covertly disrespectful and marginalizing and the thing about covert abuse is it creates an atmosphere of self doubt and second guessing of ourselves which can sometimes raise enough FOG that we allow entry of an unreliable, unsafe, person who is showing ill will toward us in the subtlest of ways back into our conversations, thoughts, and sometimes even our lives.

If the covert behavior is confronted, there is plausible deniability. If we address it with our spouses we run the risk of them not getting it. I have learned it is best for me if my DH notices and addresses these things himself first. And many things just slip right by him even now after all of the healing and growth and undeniable toxic behaviors from my mil and sil. And that can be pretty discouraging.

My best self care move has been to accept that underneath the surface mil and sil are most often fighting. It is a long standing rivalrous posture and my DH's love is the prize. I feel it. I discern it. It is highly divisive and tricky, but it is a fight and grappling for position. Coming forward hot and intrusive when my H is not within earshot and then pushing away into icy disdain, smearing, ignoring, and everything in between.

Being an adult child who grew up with a great deal of abuse and neglect I know that I simply do not have the wherewithal to navigate uncertainty in relationship like I have experienced with my in laws. So, I have learned to limit as much exposure to the nonsense as I possibly can. I don't read cards. I don't read emails or texts. I don't engage in care taking for elderly in laws like I once did. I support my H in all of that, but I cannot do relationship like these folks do and that includes any exposure to their covertly hurtful invalidations. Not easy, but a better path to peace for me.

My heart is with you! This stuff is really hard.