Anyone have any experience trying an in home separation?

[rubixcube]

Blackbird11, if you read this, I've read your thread talking about it a little, and would love your insight.

I never thought I'd find myself on "this" side of the forum. I came to a point last weekend where I really felt I had finally grieved the death of my marriage to my uCovertPDw. All my trust and love is gone. I no longer doubt my own sanity(but I do see my codependence). I realize I can trust my perceptions and my w has zero accountability for her behaviors(has never apologized for behaviors) and seriously lacks empathy and guilt. She has a LOT of shame though.

I told her the following:  we need to separate. I don't have any trust or love for her as a spouse, but I do love her as a fellow human, I have compassion for her, and wish her no ill will. I told her she really hurt me(no reaction at all from her when I said this???) and she pushed me away. I told her that even if I could fix our relationship I don't want to anymore. I also said that the best thing for our 3 yr old D is that she stay in the house we live in and we disrupt her life as little as possible.

I proposed we live platonically, like roomates almost. We are separated and can not rely on each other for emotional support or companionship. I stressed that she's free and if she wants to find that kind of relationship with someone else then I support it and we can talk about divorce then, if the time comes. I told her too that maybe now that we are separated perhaps I won't be her target anymore and she won't be glaring at me with disgust and contempt so often(I slipped).

I think I was able to get through to her that we can't be selfish here, our D has to come first. She seemed to get it.

After this talk I felt a peace I haven't felt in the 6 years of knowing/being married to my w. It was liberating and it definitely shifted the relationship dynamics for me. I get the sense that more boundaries/expectations have to be defined for my w. She seems to not realize it's a separation at times.

I would love to hear other people's experience with in home separations! Has it worked? Were there changes when you implemented it? Are there issues with desire for companionship or sexual "needs"? This is new territory for me on this side of the forum!

Love you guys!

[SeaGlass]

Unfortunately I have Rubix Cube. My ubpdh and I lived apart for a year and a half, and then came back together to try to make things work. Within the first 2 weeks of his return it was obvious that he had not changed. We decided to stay together, but live like roommates in separate rooms. I would not allow any affection, and his anger and silence grew stronger and louder. His passive aggressive ways and manipulations worsened.

Fast forward several years, and I finally got the courage to file for divorce this past August after a 22 year marriage. For financial reasons we have to live together through the divorce until we sell our home.

We have 2 young adult children who live with us, and it has been very hard on all of us. My husband has stalled every step of the way in the divorce. He has not provided his financials, the divorce was pushed back until April(now it will be even later with courts pushing back dates because of the corona virus), his lawyer withdrew from working with him, and he will not help ready or maintain the house for sale.

Financially, emotionally, and physically he is taking us down. Sorry for the rant, but this has been my family's reality. Hindsight is 20/20, but I now wish that I had divorced him when he was out of the house years ago. I put him first, and hoped we could make it work. It has all been a terrible strain on our family, and I see no end in the near future.

[rubixcube]

SeaGlass, I'm so sorry!

I really feel your pain.
I think so much about control lately, and how as a codependent I'm often trying to fix or control the situation by moving my boundaries, taking on responsibility or burden, or trying to offer advice or solutions. It's like I'm always waiting for the right combination of things to try that will somehow magically make my wife's moods better or make her always-under-the-surface disgust for me disappear.

When you finally did find the courage(such a big theme in my own life–finding courage) to divorce, was it preceded by some moment of acceptance or anything else?

I so wish you find some peace. Does knowing you're not crazy or imagining all this give you an anchor of inner validation? Because, you're not imagining it...

[SeaGlass]

I feel your pain too rubixcube. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I am codependent also, and have always moved my boundaries for him, and tried to fix things and find peace for everyone in the household just like you.

I thought that with the right therapist, him taking his medication, us living apart after me calling the police,  then accepting him back into the house, that all of the stars would align and he'd understand at a core level that   changes need to be made, and that another chance is a huge gift.

When he came home, within 2 weeks he was off of his meds, dropped his therapist, and back to his old ways. He was upset that he wasn't welcomed back without trepidation, and that he now had to walk the walk, not just talk the talk.

To answer your question about whether there was a moment of acceptance or not, I think it was not one defining moment, but a series of defining moments.

I also had no more chances to give him. His resentment and anger towards me was apparent. He was back home, that was all that he wanted. If we could all pretend to be happy he would've loved that, but because we couldn't he was willing to make us miserable and go back to his old ways. He figured I would just give up and accept the status quo. This helped fuel my resolve to push forward.

I also have a wonderful family support system. I hope you do too. They have helped me immensely.

My young adult children are mostly who I am doing this for. I am an empath, and could so easily slip back into wanting to help him. It is at the expense of my children though. It took a long time for me to see this. He had me convinced that being together was best for them.

I do not want this to continue to be their lives, nor do I want the pattern to repeat with them. They see and feel how toxic our family dynamic is. It has hurt them in profound ways. I hope it is never too late to give and show them something better.

I hope my situation helps you in some way, rubixcube. We are not responsible for them, and we can not fix them.

[Blackbird11]

RubixCube, I just had some time to check in today. All I can say is congratulations! I know that conversation is SO hard. As I wrote on here, I had many moments of crying/fear/pain leading up to it. I understand the weight lifting after it's done. 

To answer your questions based on my experience:

Has it worked?
My goal was to do the same as you - start to end this relationship that was literally destroying me from the inside, and make the transition easy for my toddler.
- I think I've been successful because I've been living in a separate room from uPDh for almost a year now. Being in a separate bedroom has done wonders for me emotionally and has really helped make it clear to him that this is happening. It took a very, VERY long time for him to process - even while he was on dating apps! He was searching around for dates while thinking we would eventually get back together and I was blowing this out of proportion 
- Family and friends were notified months ago so they have had time to digest and get used to it. It was rough at first but people start to calm down, I've noticed. Everyone has their own lives to worry about!
- My child's home has been a much more pleasant environment because uPDh has calmed down the abuse* - and we mostly spend time with our child separately at this point which has been great. When I'm with my son, I'm actually able to focus on him and enjoy the time! So much more bonding has occurred!
*My guard is still up and I'm always ready to leave or get the proper authorities involved should it escalate. You just NEVER know with them! I'm also still documenting a lot in my journal just in case.

Were there changes when you implemented it?
Yes - as you said, I had to put up strict boundaries and I learned it's mostly done through gray rocking and medium chill. I also went social media silent for months. I still barely post now. I also had to find ways to be out of the house more often when he's off. Just reducing that face time with him has done wonders.

It's a learning experience and not every separation/divorce is one-size-fits all. You're constantly assessing the situation and tweaking.

Are there issues with desire for companionship or sexual "needs"? This is new territory for me on this side of the forum!
At first I didn't mind being on my own for many months. Now I'm starting to feel like if we weren't having a global pandemic, and I were able to fully separate physically from uPDh, I'd probably try to just get out there again (NOT looking for a new relationship, just to get out of the house and try to re-learn how to talk to people on nights out with friends, or joining running groups, maybe try a date here and there, etc.).

It is hard though - to manage that need for companionship. But to be honest once that kicked in it gave me the courage to present the offer to him. And it has given me the strength to keep gray rocking him now that we are forced to be together more during this crisis.

I am making an assumption but I kind of got the feeling that he thought this pandemic would lead to our reconciliation - he was starting to call me "honey" again and tried to get me to emotionally open up to him. I ignore the terms of endearment and I refuse to allow him entry into my inner world. This seems to be keeping it at bay. But he is growing increasingly moody the longer this goes on. I'm working at home and it has been difficult.

I'm taking it one day at a time, trying to keep my mental and physical health in the best shape possible, and I keep visualizing what that freedom will look like once we're all able to leave the house again.

Stay safe, and congrats again!

[rubixcube]

SeaGlass, thank you.

I too pass all the empath tests with flying colors. In fact, just yesterday I caught myself and wondered why on earth do I keep doing considerate/nice things for my w when she treats me so poorly, doesn't consider me or my needs, and obviously seriously lacks empathy or guilt... As I thought for a second about attributes of my character or personality that I want to change, can change, or can't change, I realized that conscientiousness, even to enemies, is an attribute that I value and wouldn't change. I guess in that moment, in answer to myself, being considerate to someone emotionally abuse, despite their abuse, became a choice –being considerate to enemies is something I am now consciously choosing to do. It's just one more thing from the unconscious being sorted out and brought up to the conscious realm.


Thanks for chiming in Blackbird!
It looks like, from your reply to "Has it worked?" that there's hope. It seems your relationship dynamic HAS changed. I have a hunch the separation sort of short circuits, over time, the attachment trauma stuff PDs are driven by. just a hunch.
We sleep in separate bedrooms too. When my w used to sleep in the same room, I would dread her coming to bed. The energy is just dark, cold, and parasitic. I also moved my home office from in the house up to an outbuilding that I've been renovating. THAT has become a sanctuary for me! Heck, I might even move in!

Interesting that you say you enforce boundaries through gray rocking and medium chill. I've never thought of them that way –as means to enforce boundaries. Those two tools sort of emerged naturally in me as a response to gaining knowledge about my w and her PD and myself as a codependent. It';s those 2 tools that really protect me. It's also grey rock that's driving my w nuts, and she doesn't understand why. I'm not supplying her narcissism anymore(mostly).

I am making an assumption but I kind of got the feeling that he thought this pandemic would lead to our reconciliation

I experienced something similar. It's like they don't believe you when you say "this is a separation". I guess in typical fashion, they don't empathize with why we're doing this, and they keep trying to push boundaries to see how far they can get.

Anyway, thank you both! 

[sevenyears]

Rubixcube - in my experience, in-house separation was awful. It's nice to hear that others have had better experiences. In my opinion, if you have any possibility to move out, then do it, especially if there is any chance your PD will become more aggressive. In my case, as my then uocpd h felt he was loosing control, he became angrier and angrier and more aggressive. I had filed for divorce and a preliminary injunction because of his anger issues. At the hearing, our lawyers worked out an in-house separation pending the judge's ruling, and which was endorsed by the judge. During the day, there was separation that included a schedule of who could be in the house. During the evenings, there was no separation. He refused to sleep in his in-home movie theater in the basement and stayed in our bedroom. I didn't want to be in the same room with him, so I slept in a sleeping bag in the bedroom of my DS, then about to turn 3. This went on for two months. UOCPD H's behavior became angrier, more aggressive and more erratic. I was scared he would hit me (or DD6), but couldn't move out with the children, so I stayed and suffered through that for two months. My DD's social worker brokered an agreement so that I could temporarily move out with the children. Now, I'm in a country under lockdown. Initially the children weren't allowed to go between families. In order to avoid a legal dispute, both my lawyer and our mediators suggested I move back into the house. I didn't do that since it would have meant an escalation of the situation and I couldn't be assured of my safety. Fortunately, children from divorced families have an exemption so that they can spend time with both parents.

I don't have much to recommend. Just sharing my experience so that you go into any separation arrangement with your eyes wide open. Check in and let us know how you're doing.