Is your IQ “lower” around them?

Cascade · March 12, 2020, 11:21:40 PM

Has anyone else noticed that their IQ seems to drop when your PD spouse is in the same room? I play some puzzle type of games and I do much better when he's not nearby, and better yet if he's not home. Maybe it's just distraction but it happens even when he's quiet.

Lauren17 · March 12, 2020, 11:25:19 PM

Yes. I notice it especially when I'm driving. I think so many years of "you're terrible at.." " oh my god! I can't believe you just did.," have made me nervous. The anxiety of being talked down to makes everything harder.

notrightinthehead · March 13, 2020, 01:10:54 AM

It seems like that. Might be the heightened anxiety and that we pay attention to what they are doing even if it is subconsciously.

losingmyself · March 13, 2020, 08:00:04 AM

Definitely. That is a reason I like to get up before him. I am in charge of the, well, everything paperwork related, and I prefer to do this before he gets up in the morning.
In my case, I am calmer, and better able to focus because I'm not waiting for the criticism about how bad I am at doing this job.
Also, reading. I can absorb more and enjoy it because he can't stand not to be the center of attention, so I can't concentrate

SeaBreeze · March 13, 2020, 03:59:36 PM

Not sure my IQ drops around uNPDh so much as if I do one little thing wrong (e.g. stumble, stutter, drop something, make a mistake, misspeak, etc) he's going to pounce, point it out, make a big deal of it. So I look and/or feel less intelligent, likely so he can bolster his own sense of superiority. (Though it gets to me less in recent years since I've practiced MC, no JADE, or simply shrug my shoulders.)

stella · March 14, 2020, 08:26:11 AM

Yes, NPD husband pretty much makes me act stupid, and then screams the house down about how stupid I am. He has of course, never made a mistake in his life.

blahblah · March 14, 2020, 03:57:04 PM

I am the exact same way when driving. My wife is always "driving with me". Always looking back as the car is backed out. Looks to the left when we turn left etc.
I drive a lot worse when she is in the car if I'm in an unbalanced mood.

It's subconsciously awaiting some negative thing that makes me more slow in then grey apartment.

SparkStillLit · March 14, 2020, 04:55:26 PM

Evidently we're all stupid and "ruin everything ". Berating me endlessly. Berating DS. Just on and on. Going around *looking* for reasons. Instead of a schlumping up the stairs from time to time just to look around and blast people before flumping back down and holing up, how about he take this time to do some of the very very many home repairs that have needed done for YEARS? Or make some headway with switching kids rooms? Or do something PRODUCTIVE instead of try to drag everyone down?

losingmyself · March 16, 2020, 11:36:57 AM

Because, as my BPH likes to say, "the worse other people look, the better I look."
Especially easy for him, since he's in " a house full of f@#ing retards"

Liftedfog · March 21, 2020, 11:30:07 PM

My expdh would ramp up the mistreatment around my family. That is before he isolated me completely from them for 10 years. My family looked up to my intelligence. Expdh hated that because it took the focus off of him so Everytime they were around he would purposely pick a fight with me. It was always over something so trivial that left him looking !Ike the dumb one. Only he couldn't see that. One time he blew up at me and called me names for offering them coffee and ice cream at the same time. Didn't I know that it would cause their teeth to hurt with the hot and cold. Am I am idiot for not knowing this? What stupid person does this?? It went on for half an hour. I grew silent. Embarrassed. Ashamed for not standing up to myself. I didn't want my family to see him escalate so I kept quiet. I just wanted to disappear. I hurt so much that day because I knew my family felt so sorry for me. At that time I was still hiding the abuse. Horrible stressful time.

1footouttadefog · March 22, 2020, 01:36:45 PM

They purposely promote chaos in conversations and ask qiestions to interupt answers to orevious questioms amd jump around from one tangent to another never letting the other finish a train of thought and so many other annoying techniques. Just to throw you off balance and disrupt logical discussion.

Its all by design. You Itelligence qutient is not low instead You abuse received quotient is growing.

GentleSoul · March 23, 2020, 02:01:35 PM

Quote from: 1footouttadefog on March 22, 2020, 01:36:45 PM
They purposely promote chaos in conversations and ask qiestions to interupt answers to orevious questioms amd jump around from one tangent to another never letting the other finish a train of thought and so many other annoying techniques. Just to throw you off balance and disrupt logical discussion.

This is exactly what I experienced with uPDhusband. Thank you for setting it out so clearly. It has been a help to me to read it.

I have managed to stop him doing it by literally leaving the room each time he started. He craves attention so when he realised I would leave the room, he gradually stopped. It was hard work for me to do it.

1footouttadefog · March 23, 2020, 05:07:19 PM

I draw a line in the Sand on my pdh asking questions and not letting me answer. On the second time in a conversation, I let him know he asked a second question I did not get to finish answering and I leave.

I get accused of not wanting to talk with him. I reply that no he talking at me not with me.

ICantThinkOfAName · March 24, 2020, 09:06:59 AM

There is a direct correlation between stress and learning. You can't focus or concentrate when you feel stressed or are triggered with the fight or flight response.

rubixcube · March 25, 2020, 01:40:39 PM

Cascade, I was just listening to these codependence/complex trauma talks by Tim Fletcher(ALL of the talks are amazing and surprisingly clear). He cited an article about pain and IQ. The video link goes right to the time he speaks of it.

https://youtu.be/lD5BECklv6A?t=1109

Cascade · March 26, 2020, 12:39:45 AM

Thanks ruby cube, I'll try To listen to it if I'm ever alone again.

Mikeb44 · March 26, 2020, 02:30:52 PM

Wow, I appreciate all of you responding. This alone has me believing I am not a terrible human.

I deal with everything and more with my wPD. In the car, its all about how I am too close or too far away. In the house, its how when I try to help its wrong and I am idiot. With my son, its all about how I shouldn't do that or make him laugh too much.

Bottom line, I am gaining more clarity on the severity of wPD condition and how deep it runs. The one thing I can hopefully add to this is "when they are not in control, they will make it their mission to invoke the same anxiety on who is".

Keep talking as it will help all of us take this on together.