Overreaction

[No.]

Even though I've been NC for a long time, I still have lots of memory triggers. I wish I could shut off my thoughts about all this. Everything seems to bring up memories, triggers and unpleasant happenings.

I know if I were to be in contact now, it would be lots of catastrophizing comments about the news. Nm used such shocking language sometimes that especially as a young child, I was jolted into fear, often. I always thought there was something very off about that, and went so far against it that I don't feel fear when sometimes maybe I should.

I won't repeat all the crazy comments, but one of many examples of this fear in action was we were on vacation with 4 in the car. Some ominous clouds appeared, and it was a little gusty, like a summer thunderstorm rolling in, and we were on the freeway. Nm started screaming and kicking and flailing her arms to exit the freeway. We had to immediately pull into the nearest place which was a hotel, and went storming into the lobby asking where we can take shelter, as she was afraid of a possible tornado. The worker there looked shocked, stunned and very disturbed. I sat in the lobby and Nm flipped her arms up at me saying "fine, YOU can stay here and DIE and I'll go take shelter!"

Now, at the time, I felt very sorry for Nm. Obviously she has fears that have not been dealt with and is very disturbed. I think what bothers me now is I have daily triggers or disturbing memories about all kinds of things, often her very sharp and harsh comments. Much of it about fear of some sort. Much of it really mean. It's hard for me to reconcile why she couldn't try to heal, seek help, change, at least not SCARE her young kids on a regular basis, or ever apologize for overreacting.  Why she thought all of that was normal and ok, and even that she was "protecting" us by doing that. I even asked her once as a young adult why she felt she had to do that, and she lashed back with "because you don't have SENSE enough to make the decisions on your OWN!" and things like that. Why try.

I guess being very alone and isolated, times like this, I miss that I didn't have the opportunity for loving parents that would make me feel safer, cared for. She is likely doing all of the same fearful stuff now, but I will never know.

[11JB68]

My updm was like that in some ways. I was remembering today how she had major overreactions if anyone sat on her bed (on bed spread) with their'street clothes' on. That was 'dirty'.

[notrightinthehead]

That's a good question. I think that it shows a lack of self-awareness. Your mother, and mine too, acted and re-acted and did not self reflect or wonder what pain/fear their actions caused others. Somehow they behaved like an animal in a trap - overwhelmed by sheer terror. In the example you gave, your mother interprets big clouds and gusts of wind as a life threatening situation and responds to her perception without having the ability to do a reality check with others - like the people in the hotel.
Now how does one learn self awareness? I think it starts with listening to many others, getting good information, checking facts, and when one is really blessed, having good friends who give honest feedback.

[clara]

Thank you so much for posting this, No.  I was wondering why my mother isn't taking all of the warnings about trying to stay safe seriously, since she's quite elderly and at extremely high risk, and now I have some insight into why.

My grandmother had a PD of a sort I can't quite sort out.  But obviously she had one, because her behavior was always erratic, and one of the things she reliable did was "catastrophasize", which describes how she would routinely try to scare me into anticipating dreadful events that actually never occurred.  She would routinely say things like "We are all going to die because..." and I would wait for this event to occur and death to come.  Some disaster was always enfolding somehow, somewhere, and on its way to us.  Fortunately I wasn't around my grandmother all that much, but my mom was raised by her (and told me she was kept home from school because of my grandmother's fear of all the diseases out there that she could catch, and only went when my grandmother finally realized she was breaking the law by keeping my mother out of school) and so my mom now reacts in the opposite manner--minimizes risk, downplays potential disasters.  Once while I was visiting there was a storm and the tornado warnings went off (not something you ignore around here) but when I asked should we be taking shelter, she just shrugged it off and said it was nothing to worry about.  She never learned how to accurately assess risk.

So again, thanks No.  I now have a much better insight into why my mom is so dismissive over everything going on right now.

[No.]

***MAYBE a TW***

That is really interesting Clara! Could very well be. It's sort of a numb, dissociative feeling, when things are happening that might evoke fear in others. It's also a feeling of "here they go again" and just feeling so over the dramatics. I learned when the hysterics and tears started to just roll my eyes (but only internally lest I get slapped!)

It's interesting to think of her mother, as well as my Nm's Nm. She was a lot like you describe. Also spouting off fearful  to the children, just like Nm does. (So why doesn't Nm have any forethought or insight into this?) Once when I was 9 my grandma told me my mother was going to kill herself because I didn't help with the bog pile of laundry that was there when she arrived. She struck an evil face and seemed extremely angry. 

I like to think I evened out into more rational, leveled thinking now. But, the lack of overreactive fear has served me well in many instances. If there's a tornado, I take shelter in an internal room (not when there's a stormy cloud). I lock the doors at night but I'm not paranoid about break-ins. I have fire alarms but I'm not going to anticipate a fire. I watch my back in parking lots, but I don't think people are out to mug me. All things that were extreme fears growing up. Hysterical reactions.