update on family leaving it all up to me

[Lilyloo]

Husband and i took her to that app.  We both agreed it is the very last time!! It was a 7 hour day because she made her appointments 4 hours apart. We picked her up at 8:30 am. She was fooling around doing something for golden child brother. I said to her "we are going to be late"  She screamed at me "ok, alright alright alright." Another rage!!  She jerked her coat off the chair face beat red, and angry. I spoke nothing to her that whole day unless it was yes, no, uh huh.  When we got to her drive way 7 hours later she proceeds to tell us that she had trapped a tom cat and had the neighbor kill it. As an animal lover I felt broken. This was twice she told me that. The second time I plugged my ears with my fingers.  Over the years she has told me stories about her hunting and killing animals. Yes she hunted with my stepdad!!  She is cruel, mean and the most self absorbed person

Tonight I removed her from my messenger.  I had received a report all about her April 7th procedure to do stints. Times of pre surgery appointments, etc etc. She was expecting me to say sure we will take you. On my other topic I had told you she had been in the hospital and refused to stay for the procedure the following day. It would have been done weeks ago, done and over with!!  Now theres the virus scare. Hospitals are allowing no visitors and I will not go in a hospital at this very scary time!!  I am 66 and in the dangerous age.

I told her my two brothers could do some of this also. They can help

Her response  "you just be quiet about your brothers, and you quit harping on how they can help, they do more than you do,  and more than you will ever know" I immediately removed her from messenger. I will not put up with this cruel person again. End end of it all!!!

[WomanInterrupted]

My heart goes out to you - and I have to admit, you handled the information about the cat a LOT better than I would have. 

The first time she mentioned it, I would have pulled the car over, escorted her out and told her to call a cab before pulling away.   

Well, you've done your duty for the next ten years, as far as I'm concerned and you're right - you ARE at the age where Covid 19 is a concern, so you're best to follow the CDC's instructions  and *stay the hell away from her* until LONG after the crisis is over.   

If the hospital is even doing her procedure (some are refusing to do elective surgeries/procedures and I don't know if stents fall under that guideline or not) SHE will have to call a cab, shuttle or Uber - anybody NOT named LindaLoo or your DH.   

I'd go one step further than removing her from messenger - I'd block her number, and block your brothers' numbers.  If THEY are that concerned, THEY can take her. 

You are DUNZO - it's more important to look after yourselves and your own little corner of the world.   

Your mom can share her nastiness with anybody who gets paid to listen to her. 

[Lilyloo]

Thank you Womaninterrupted 

Others have told me they would have done the same thing about the cat. Why didn't I???  I don't know why I listened all these years to her mean things about animals.  I always have felt like a 5 year old when I'm near to her. 

I also have started to have panic attacks when she messages or calls. My heart races, my head feels about to explode. The abuse I have taken is over!  She said the hospital has not canceled the procedure. So be it, she brought this on herself.

The facts are she was scheduled for the procedure while she was admitted to the hospital 3 weeks ago.  The nurse told her when we picked her up that she needed to stay as it was scheduled the next day. So the way I figure it if she has the major stroke its all on her.

You are right I've done my duty. I've been doing it since I was 12 years old taking care of my brothers for her.

The fact I am now getting panic attacks when I see her name on messenger is a huge eye opener.  I have struggled with the honor thy mother issue. I realized that if I am getting ill from her cruel ways, then God would not want that. Honoring means to parents who have been loving, nurturing, kind......something she has never been

Thank you again

[Adrianna]

This is an opportunity for you to finally drop the rope. You're not going anywhere near her or the hospital. They may cancel the surgery anyways, but if they don't, they likely will not allow visitors.

These are the consequences of her stubbornness. She could have had the surgery and refused. Well now she can figure it out without you.

It sounds like you finally see how toxic and manipulative she is, not to mention sick. That cat story really speaks volumes. There's a reason you don't want to be around her and you have to listen to that guidance. Stay away from her.

She sounds incredibly demanding and abusive which all of us here understand. Take this time to finally put yourself first. And don't feel guilty about it! You matter just as much as she does. In her mind you are here to serve her. That's her disordered thinking and not reality. 

[GettingOOTF]

What an awful day you had with her. On the positive side it helped you make your decision.

Yes you are in the vulnerable age group. You need to take care of yourself.

At this point many procedures are being postponed to free up resources for the virus. She may not even have it.

NC is hard, especially on the beginning but it brought me so much peace. I felt like I was finally free and able to focus on who I was. I realized I'd lived all my life as my family's version of me. I'm much happier on a deeper level now.

Hang in there. I'm glad you updated. I'd been wondering how it went for you.

[lkdrymom]

You do know she told you about the cat just to hurt you.

[appaloosa]

I would have absolutely zero contact with her from now until eternity. Horrible and evil and you owe her nothing but you owe yourself freedom from her.

[Lilyloo]

 Adrianna,  Yes her stubbornness put her in this spot.  She truly is a very sick woman. I've known it since I was a kid. I guess I always kept hoping I'd one day have the mother I longed for. It took this long and my becoming ill each time I was near her to open my eyes

GettingOOTF,  Yes this time was the last straw. I kept having guilt even the times she treated me so mean.  It's hard to admit that the person who gave me life could be so cruel. I'm so glad you are happy going NC.  I have promised myself that kind of peace.

Ikdrymom,  Oh for sure she did it to hurt me.  I should have said "get the h*** out of my car" 

appaloosa,   Nasty witch is right!!  Yet she claims to be such a Godly Woman.


My sister-in-law texted me. They didn't cancel the appointment. My Mother won't reschedule. She is dragging my 93 year old step father with her. My SIL is at her wits end with my mother.  None of us will drive her so she decides she will drive herself and expose that poor old man to the virus.. Cares nothing about anyone. Thank you everyone for your support 

[Adrianna]

Wow unreal huh? She refused the surgery when she was already in the hospital and now we are all in a pandemic and she insists on going and dragging along a 93 year old! No concern for him obviously.

Your mother should cancel.  Very surprised the surgery is still scheduled. Sadly her illness is running the show. It's so unreal to those of us without PDs that someone could act in such an unreasonable manner, however, it's par for the course with them. As I said if my grandmother was at home she'd want me and everyone else down there doing things for her. They don't care about others or even their own safety as long as they get attention. 

Good you are staying away. Protect yourself from her as much as you can.

[Fortuna]

Others have told me they would have done the same thing about the cat. Why didn't I???  I don't know why I listened all these years to her mean things about animals.  I always have felt like a 5 year old when I'm near to her. 

I had the same things with my mom, the inability to do anything in the moment and feeling like I was little again. One phone call she was verbally abusive, name calling, telling me all sorts of horrible things to get me to do what she wanted and I was arguing a logical course of action, not seeing it....Until mt kid came home. Then I suddenly realized how my mom was talking to me is never something my child should have to endure and not from someone who supposedly loved them. Hung up straight away. Knowing I had a hard time setting boundaries in the moment was one of the reasons I decided on NC. So drop the rope, block her calls, let other family or strangers that get paid do the work she wanting you to do for free while she terrorizes you. You deserve better than that.

[Lilyloo]

wow!   Now she is telling everyone that they never ask her to stay  at the hospital   She is making me out to be a liar. Nothing new, it's happened before!  I got an email saying she had never been told to stay in the hospital for any procedure the following day and asking why they would keep her there for 4 to 6 weeks to have the stents.     

LOL, she actually called me from the hospital on that day over 3 weeks ago to say " they want to keep me here to work on me tomorrow, but I'm not staying , I'm going home"  Then when my hubby and I picked her up the nurse told her that she really needed to be staying there for the procedure the next day, that she could have another but worse stroke. I stood listening carefully to what the nurse told her before release.


I do know all to well the games they play. 

[Lilyloo]

Fortuna,  They do treat us like children, but like you I would never treat my children that way. They abuse us and think we will keep on taking it. Good for you for going NC.  Love doesn't act like a bully, or a cruel controlling abuser  Thank you!

Thank you everyone for support, great advice and mostly that I know I am never in this alone. I am grateful for each of you

[nanotech]

They can't take responsibility for anything. That's what it boils down to. She 's probably regretting it now. That's when they start lying and crazy making.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Take care.

[Sweetbriar]

LindaLoo,

I have had this image in my mind for years now of something I must have read, about how a baby elephant can have it's leg tied and be able to walk a certain distance until it hits the end of the chain, and then even when they removed the chain the baby elephant often walks no further.

For me, I had this image a few times when I went thru my mother's hospitalization, feeling like a child, trapped in the sphere of her disorder again.

But the truth is we can keep walking. You can block everybody who is hurting you and you have your husband to stand by you. You can remove the stressors from your life and become very powerful in who you are, meaning taking care of yourself, the way a good mother would take care of her child.

The cat thing would have been the last straw for me. I feel like I would have gone ballistic. I cannot stand that kind of sh*t. There is a correlation between psychopathy and cruelty to animals. You have to severely lack empathy to not respond to the pain of another living thing, and I don't care if it's a cat, deer, dog or human.

Your mother has lost her relationship with you because of HER BEHAVIOUR, not yours.

Walk away LindaLoo. Block everybody. Do not feel any guilt. It's like turning off a disturbing movie. You can turn it off. You have every right to do so.

[Lilyloo]

nanotech. Thank You! I read a list of narc characteristics . The very first one was 'everything they do is deniable'  It angers me so much that she gets away with it. I used to wonder how the people in her community can think she is an ok person, until a friend who lives there, told me that everybody knows how she is. Oh there are of course her select group , those who are as    as she is


  Sweetbriar, Thank you! Trapped is how I felt. Bound in that chain even tho I could walk away when it was removed. I'm sitting here trying to figure out why?  I have read and studied about mothers like mine for years now. I ought to know that answer.  I have blocked her. She is running to my daughter now. So typical!! 


I can't get the cat story out of my head. It haunts me.   I found out she borrowed a trap from the lady who is a strong advocate for animals in her community. She runs an organization for spay and neuter .  I will in some way get word to her what my mother actually did to the cat. I'm sure she had no idea!!  She thought my mother was going to neuter. I just realized saying the word 'mother'  is painful  

[Sweetbriar]

Aw LindaLoo, I'm so sorry she hurt you like that, all of it, including the what she has done to the cat, that also hurts you.

Remember always. You are FREE! Everyone deserves to be free of an abuser.

I think it's a good idea to phone that woman and let her know, the one who loaned the cage for the cat. Animal abuse is terrible and it is also illegal.

[Lilyloo]

Sweetbriar, Thank You!  My daughter is FB friends with the lady. My daughter sent her a message to not loan my mother a trap again. The lady had no idea what my mother was going to do. She even said she told my mother she would take the cat to a shelter . My mother is cruel. I can tell you this mother won't be borrowing any traps again!!