Lock-downed all my life (long post)

[Spirit in the sky]

I read somewhere that children of narcissistic parents are coping with the current virus situation because they have always lived in a state of fear and anxiety.

This is certainly true for me, the virus doesn't fill me with half of much fear as facing the truth about my parents. I have written a lot on this forum, all the twists and turns as I have emerged from the fog. It started with my NMIL and then I started to look at other relationships closer to home and I realised it started with my father.

I still find it hard to believe my father is a narcissistic and with a toxic personality, I continually question myself, is it me? My father ignored me for most of my life, he used me to 'look after' my emotionally unstable mother, while he lived the life of a carefree alcoholic. I very quickly because an Adult Child and the only responsible person in my family. I was an only child, my mother was severely codependent, having suffered her own traumatic childhood and always felt she owed my father something for marrying her. So no matter how badly he acted, he always forgave him eventually.

Suddenly all of a sudden 5 years ago when my father because ill, he remembered he had a daughter. By this stage my mother was even more emotionally unstable and had become a recluse, never leaving the house. What I didn't see then was, my father realised she was no longer a source of narcissistic supply. He'd drained all life out of her and I was his next victim. I foolishly believed he actually cared about me and did everything I could do get his love and approval. I took time of work to visit him in hospital, I went to every doctor's appointment, I took responsibility for his medication, diabetic diet, I checked his blood sugars when he was too lazy to do it himself.

My father had watched me become a caretaker for my mother from childhood because he refused to even acknowledge she was ill. So after a life of addiction and excess which destroyed his body he needed someone to look after him and he knew my mother wasn't capable. I was so desperate for a crumb of recognition and having self sacrificed myself for my mother, it seemed only natural I would do the same for my father. And I let him drain the life out of me, anything he wanted I never said no. And the more I did the more he expected me to jump through hoops.

When I started to come Out of the FOG and say no, he reacted badly. He would talk about me behind my back to my mother and guilt trip me into looking after him when he thought my mother wasn't doing enough. I think he thought when he got his cancer diagnosis that we would both devote our lives to caring for him. He used all the emotional blackmail tactics, saying he didn't care if he lived or died, nothing mattered he was dying anyway and I fell for it.

Even after he told me to get out and not come back because he was angry I wouldn't pick him up from the floor. I felt sorry for him and went to see him in the hospital, I realise now he didn't actually want to see me, but he needed supplies of clean clothes and food. His energy supply was back and he started to through me a few crumbs to keep me happy, until I told him I wasn't visiting because of the virus and the mask slipped again.

I repeatedly told him my mother wasn't well enough to look after him at home but he didn't listen and insisted he was coming back. I now realise he thought I was going to be looking after him. I intentionally wasn't there when he came home and he was furious, now I realise why he was so horrible to my mum. He didn't want her looking after him, he wanted me and kept asking were I was.

When I heard the news he was coming home I was gripped with fear, paralysing fear and I dreaded seeing him. I couldn't explain it because he has never hit me or even disciplined me in anyway and but now I realise it was the combination of ignoring me and only speaking to me if he wanted something. I felt sick when I thought about going to the house and I tried to sneak in without him seeing me.

I prayed he would be sleeping and I walked past without looking, he must have been watching me and he didn't speak first. He was sulking I wasn't there to get him what he wanted, I tried to explain I was staying away because of the virus and he said it was all nonsense. I could hear him asking my mum is 'she' was there, and the fact I was ignoring him was driving him to distraction.

When he did finally agree to go to a nursing home, he made it clear he thought I had plotted to get rid of him and he told my mum he wasn't happy with me, knowing full well she would tell me. What made him even more furious was I stayed away when the ambulance came to get him. I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of rejected me again.

Thankfully the home is in lockdown and to be honest I never want to see him again. I used to pray he would die so I could escape and then feel guilty because it was a horrible thing to say. Now I don't care either way, I have made the decision not to see him. If you think a narcissist is bad, a dying narcissist is like a dark evil demon feeding of your soul. Unfortunately as an empath I allowed myself to be his supply, and when he realised I wasn't giving anymore he discarded  me like he discarded  my mother. Thankfully I didn't waste my entire life, and I don't feel afraid anymore.

I won't be crying any tears when he does pass, I've cried enough and grieved enough. After death comes rebirth.

[SunnyMeadow]

After death comes rebirth.

This really sums it up, doesn't it? I'm impatiently waiting to experience it.

I'm so glad you've gotten to this point in your life. You're seeing exactly what your parents are and aren't. Now you can protect yourself from them.

[overitall]

Spirit,

I so understand what you are going through....after years of feeling sorry for my uNPDf (because he had to deal with my uBPDm) I started coming Out of the FOG...it took me years, but I eventually realized that EVERYTHING my father says is a lie...if his lips are moving, it's a lie....Like your mom, my uBPDm is a shell of a person, yet my mom has only one emotion---rage.  My father idly sat by and watched her destroy me; he never stood up for me, and would escape the house when she was raging (mostly daily)

Yes, I realize that my mother is sick, but I did not realize that he is just as sick...that one took me a while to figure out...he has had multiple affairs (has a secret daughter that I know about but mother does not) It goes on and on...truly disgusting and he has basically led a secret second life.

My father has been "dying" of cancer now for about three years...I went NC with both parents almost 10 years ago, so what little I do know is from my adult children (they have minimal contact)  My father went so far as to show up at DS wedding reception to go around and say "goodbye, I'm dying" to the wedding guests....yep, he went there...I did not and would not acknowledge him...many people thought it was an odd thing to do, but it didn't surprise me at all....

Parents have basically given anything and everything to do with me (photos, papers, etc) to my kids, stating they have no reason to keep them because "Overitall won't have anything to do with us"  Poor babies...Tell anyone and everyone that I am definitely written out of their will because I'm so horrible....Do I feel sorry for them..NO...Do I worry about them..NO.  When I started really researching the amount of lying, I was stunned...Both of my parents will lie about anything in order to avoid accepting responsibility for their behaviors.....literally, if the things they did to me growing up were to occur now, they both would be in jail.

For me, the best 10 years of my life have been after going NC...I cannot even comprehend what my life would be like if I ever had to engage in any relationship with my FOO...there is so much dysfunction, drama, smearing, gaslighting, straight out lying, etc.  Like you, I have already mourned them...they have been dead to me for a long, long time....

Take care of yourself and don't let them suck any more of your energy

[bloomie]

Spirit in the Sky - your truth, this post, is very important and I thank you for sharing the journey you are taking to freedom with all of us here. I am so moved by your strength and clarity and realizations and can imagine just how hard won all of this is.

There are so many twisty turns and such complexity to narcissistic family systems. I am another one that it took me many years to see that all that there really was in the universe for my parents was each other in this symbiotic, dysfunctional, dance between them where addictions and codependency and unholy adoration and simmering hate lived like a dark force.

And we - their children - openly and often told that we were never wanted by our addicted, disordered mother who I saw as 'the problem' as well for a very long time, existed for their service and survival. Easily and swiftly, often cruelly discarded when we refused to continue as dutiful children well into adulthood.

I can imagine it all as you describe it. It is incredibly sad that you did not have loving and trustworthy parents or a mil who could've welcomed and surrounded you with love. I am grateful you are finding a new path and a place of peace in all of this.

A dear friend says this and it seems appropriate and is something I found to be very true when my own parents died: "at every graveside there are the grieved and there are the relieved."

Strength to you and much peace!

[Free2Bme]

Spirit -

You are so brave and have demonstrated selflessness and longsuffering with your parents.  I am very sorry for your loss.  Sometimes it can seem unfair that those of us who may long for a loving parent child relationship (I still do and I am early 50's) must face the reality that it never was and will never be.  I feel as if I will attend 2 funerals for my mom, one now and one later.   I'm hoping you won't allow yourself any more misplaced guilt feelings in the future, give that gift to yourself.