Looking for abuse confirmation method

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Ilovedogs

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Looking for abuse confirmation method
« on: April 21, 2020, 03:40:41 PM »
I'm sorry I couldn't think of a better title for this. I am currently requiring help pulling together all the different ways in which my uBPD/N Mother is abusive. This is to show to my therapist but more importantly, also social services I expect as I receive social care and my uBPDm is one of my carers. It is also for me to look at to remind me of what she can do at those times when she is being absolutely lovely and I begin to doubt myself.

I have read a lot of books, but I think I'm needing another human to look at what I say because I'm needing a perspective from someone who is sure what behaviour is normal and fine and what is disordered and abusive. I struggle to see this because I have known very very few people in my life and both my parents have undiagnosed pd and have undergone a lot lot lot of gaslighting and brainwashing. Also I have Aspergers which makes social communication very hard to fully understand, for me anyway.

Does anyone have any suggestions of resources I could go to for this?

Thank you

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Looking for abuse confirmation method
« Reply #1 on: April 21, 2020, 05:13:07 PM »
That's a tough one. I would start with a detailed written description of all the behaviours you consider abusive. Ideally with time and date and a bit of context what preceded the abuse.
Then you have documentation and you can show this to people you trust and consider competent and ask them for feedback whether they consider this normal or abusive. I would ask several people - hopefully they all agree with you!
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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NumbLotus

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Re: Looking for abuse confirmation method
« Reply #2 on: April 21, 2020, 06:17:35 PM »
I think it's a great idea to brainstorm a list.

On the carer aspect of the issue specifically, my thought is that you do not need to approach it from a perspective of proving or describing abuse, per se. Instead, it could be from the perspective of demonstrating she is not providing adequate services as a carer. The two issues (care and abuse) are well overlapped, of course, but the approach is a little different.

This way it's not "she's gaslighting me" but instead "I asked her to do X service but she only did so after I followed up several times, and had to confront her which upset me a great deal."

You could keep a record to show to social services. Something like:

April 20, 2020 - Requested she contact my primary carer to coordinate schedule and duties for now.

She had initially agreed to do this. But when I followed up the next day, she said she didn't understand why she needed to. I tried to explain but she just kept saying she didn't undertand. I felt very upset and eventually let it drop, but now I am anxious about how things will be coordinated in the future. (Or, she finally did it but the process was very upsetting.)

April 22, 2020 - Requested help with a problem refilling a prescription.

She said she called the pharmacist but was very vague about what happened and did not seem concerned that I had only three days of tablets left. I was not sure if the problem was resolved and the more I tried to clarify, the angrier she was with me. I am very upset because I don't know what is happening and I can't get clear answers.
(Etc)

As for your counselor, that record could also be useful as a way to discuss what is happening, and he or she can help you label the behaviors and make sense of the patterns. (And of course this forum may be of help in that way as well.)

It's useful to describe your feelings as well as her behaviors - that an incident left you confused, upset, overwhelmed, etc. You can also describe effects on you such as your schedule being off, that you had trouble sleeping because of worrying about something, you had a stomachache, you had to do certain things to cope.

Finally, I just wanted to say that your instincts are right. Asking something of your mother shouldn't be this difficult or this upsetting. You should not have to feel mentally and emotionally drained asking for your needs to be met, as if you were engaging in a duel.

No parent is perfect and any person will at least sometimes disappoint you, but if you feel like you have to brace yourself and "get ready" for an interaction, it's a problem. Finally, it seems like you have to emotionally caretake your mom, not the other way around - anticipating what will upset her and trying to work around it, in a role reversal.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
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Ilovedogs

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Re: Looking for abuse confirmation method
« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2020, 12:15:37 AM »
Thank you very much, I'm going to try this, I think it's hard to know my feelings so I struggled with writing feelings but now I see I can write headache, no sleep, couldn't eat, shaking all over, very high heart beat etc. These answers really help, thank you.