Moving back with N mother due to corona outbreak(?)

Started by MarlenaEve, March 21, 2020, 04:55:58 PM

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MarlenaEve

Hi guys.

I live in the UK and many foreigners here go back to their countries due to the coronavirus outbreak. They have nice families and of course, going back to them makes sense. In my case, my mother is a narcissist and my father, a codependent. I have thought about going back to my country (things are ok there) to move in with them until I am able to earn more money (am not earning much now, I'm self-employed).

BTW, I was NC with N mother since 2016 and because of the outbreak, I recently called her to see how she is. Anyway, going back means to live with her 24/7 and this freaks me out a little. I've been independent, living in two foreign countries, doing ok-now it will be as if I'm again 17, living at home (plus, I'd have to tolerate her emotional abuse. She's verbally aggressive, never physically a)

What do you think? What are your thoughts? I just have days until i can book a cheap ticket to fly there. But I feel unsure about this decision. Very unsure.

Thanks in advance.
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:
the last of the human freedoms-
to choose one's attitude in any
given set of circumstances, to choose
one's own way.
-Viktor Frankl

Amadahy

I think you will massively regret moving in with them. I'm so sorry — in most cases it would make sense, but not with a PD person.

I can honestly say the most grievous mistake of my life was allowing my Nmom to move in with us. She's been out over three years, but her abuse reactivated my c-ptsd and I'm still sorting it out with therapy and other means.

Best wishes. Be well. ❤️
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

LoverofPeace

Hi MarlenaEve,

I agree with Amadahy,

You gave me good advice, and I would like to give you some by simply saying to not make an important move if you're not sure, no matter the little window of time. I felt pressured like that before (work decisions in this case), and even though I took care of it, I didn't appreciate feeling like that at all.

But same concept, because whomever they are, it still had to do with a narc.

Another thing, why give yourself more heartache in getting out if and when it doesn't work out?

Just something to think about. But definitely your choice. Hope it all goes fine.

Take good care of you and keep the faith. 🙏




notrightinthehead

The way this crisis develops it looks like it will spread to everywhere, just delayed by a few weeks. So you might find yourself locked in with your parents when the virus arrives there. You also might want to consider the quality and availability of health care in both your options should you become infected. Where will it be easier to be quarantined? Another point to consider is, where will your chances of earning an income when this is over be better - where you are now, or where your parents are?

I have found it better to base my decisions on rational criteria rather than fears. If you decide to go back to your parents you will apply the tools from the toolbox and will know how to protect yourself and take good care of yourself until you are ready to fly off again. Be well!
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

GettingOOTF

#4
I would not go back to my country to be with my father.

My main reason is that I won’t subject myself to that abuse ever again.

Realistically this is a global situation and soon everywhere will be bad.  I don’t know your situation but not many places are hiring now. I’d be worried about my work and living situation.

I’d also be really worried about when I could come back. At some point everything is going to shut down. You may be stuck there for quite some time.

This is a very stressful time for everyone and stress rarely brings out the best in people. You only have to look at the posts  from people who are currently stuck at home with their PD partners to see what your life will be like if you move back. And we are still in the very early days of this thing.


MarlenaEve

Hi guys.

Thanks so much for your input. I talked to PD mom again today and I said will be buying a ticket. The work situation for me is not that good (I'm trying to get a stable work position but this has been going on for a while). Going back to my country would mean not so much money and little work opportunity (compared to the UK). I'm also staying with friends now due to me not having a stable income (and friends can't keep me longer than a week or two)
So being with parents will loosen the burden of not having a place to stay (while searching for work).

Thanks for saying about checking the situation of people stuck at home with PD parents. Will do that. But how bad can living with them get? I think I forgot how it feels like to live with them (haven't lived with them since 2008). So my mind thinks it can't be that bad.

It is a stressful time for everybody yes. I just wish there were simpler solutions to this problem...
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:
the last of the human freedoms-
to choose one's attitude in any
given set of circumstances, to choose
one's own way.
-Viktor Frankl

GettingOOTF

You will be going back with more skills dealing with PDs and of course you have this place.

Please check in when you can. There is a lot of support here.