Called NPD Mother Tonight

[LoverofPeace]

So, I ended up breaking no contact with my NPD mother due to this whole Coronavirus issue and her and my grandmother being seniors.

I still plan to keep conditions on it. I'm kicking myself though, because I said I'd send a text next time. I don't like texting people with NPD, because they don't know how to stop using it once they start.  Ever since my NPD sister who threatened me via text all day a few years ago, and the blow up with my mother last week, I hate this method of communication with them. On the other hand, I don't want to encourage calls.

Any suggestions? Because I am back in distant (geographically and timewise) contact until this thing blows over.

P.S. Of course she was nice during the call, until I said about texting her next time to see how she's doing, just don't be cussing me out. She goes, "Sh**"!, like she always does when she starts fronting again. I said, "See, there you go already"! in a half-serious, half- joking manner.

What have I done?

Yikes! 

[BettyGray]

Yikes indeed. I am so sorry you're going through this.

You are correct- texting is just another boundary for them to bulldoze. It's also quite an intimate way for them to contact you. Especially during this time when we know everyone is captive and glued to their phones. 

Unfortunately, the dam has been broken. You're going to have to do this one day at a time. And it's going to ramp up the everyday anxiety you are already feeling.  Just pay attention to your needs first. NPDs will use this crisis to manipulate people, it's pretty much guaranteed. You can still put the boundaries back up in the name of self-preservation & stability.

I hope you will be closely in tune with your body, and protect your mental health, no matter how guilty you feel about her or your grandmother. Be vigilant. Maybe turn off any text or email alerts, if you haven't already. That is begging for a trigger. If you feel you must respond, don't do it right away. You can still control that boundary. Show that you dont jump when they attempt to drag you in. Keep replies short & sterile. Set rules - if they break them, have a consequence in place. Show that you're serious.

Otherwise, stay healthy and put your phone away. Turn the ringer off and check in only once or twice a day. Don't be a slave to the device or your family.

[LoverofPeace]

Hi Liz,

That is great advice, thank you. I feel before this, I made such great strides in putting boundaries in place. I planned to continue that with the Coronavirus; but I think yesterday when I went grocery shopping, it almost looked like post-Armageddon out there; half-empty store shelves, people wearing masks (including me), empty streets in a usually congested city, some closed establishments, a woman screaming at a clerk to not touch her stuff, she'll do it herself, etc. 

When I went to sit in my car, I just started dialing her because when I would think about them, it has been feeling more like holding my breath with this whole thing. So, calling turned out to feel like exhaling;  thus, it may have been the right thing.

At the same time, like you said I need to make sure those boundaries are always there. I am hoping being back in touch doesn't make it harder to do it! I don't plan to check in but something like once a week until this thing blows over, actually.

My grandmother hasn't answered since yesterday, but being I just talked to my mother I won't worry (like I used to), because I know she would jump on the phone, especially after talking with her, and let me know if something was up (FYI, they don't live together though). Or, another member like her niece is always in touch with her. Not to mention, the NPD sis has power of attorney, or something to that effect.

Though that was like an unspoken role in the past (the NPD sis used to live out of town, but apparently lives here now), I just can't keep being the rescue police. Along with that, our now being cautious with close contact especially with elders, and my having school deadlines--which certainly doesn't stop even during this whole crisis.

Thanks again. Your words are greatly appreciated and definitely heard. 

[treesgrowslowly]

I agree with Liz,

I am NC with FOO as well.

Phone calls were intrusive when I would be in low contact, which lasted years,  so I remember being where you are in regards to that.

A few thoughts I can share: don't feel that just because you contacted them and got in contact with them this week or last week that you can't keep considering how its working for you. Write about how You are doing after each contact with them. Remind yourself you are in control of your phone / email. Always.

You / we go to them for nurturance, but we end up nurturing them. We can't get respect and validation and reassurance from a PD parent the way we can from ourselves and from people here who understand us and understand how to communicate without gaslighting.

One suggestions is a put yourself first rule with yourself. Before you reply to them, do two or 3 things that help you feel grounded. Build your force field with things that help you like writing or listening to a song that reminds you how strong you've been at times.

Trees

[bloomie]

LoverofPeace - it seems like the contact did bring some reassurance. What I really love about coming out of the fear, obligation, and guilt is the empowerment it brings to choose wisely for ourselves what works for us and our health day to day. You can change your mind. And you can change your mode of contact and even space it out as far as you decide works for you. That is your human right.

Something I am doing to offer the amount of support I can safely give to an elderly uPD family member is drop a card in the mail... yes, snail mail, here and there with a simple message. No phone calls, emails, and if this person has needs I can use delivery systems to meet them.

It is not that we stop caring or having concern for others when we have to distance ourselves, it is that we make measured and careful choices in how or if or when we engage and as trees suggests we evaluate how that impacts us and adjust as we go. Love the 51% Rule at times like this.

[MarlenaEve]

I think this is normal behavior. You were genuinely concerned about your PD mother. I did this, too. I broke 4 years of NC back to square one.
Let's at least pat ourselves on the back because we are caring and empathetic people. As for your N mom, she is probably gloating at the thought of you reaching out to her during these times. It's only about narcissistic supply to her. that's it.

[LoverofPeace]

You / we go to them for nurturance, but we end up nurturing them. We can't get respect and validation and reassurance from a PD parent the way we can from ourselves and from people here who understand us and understand how to communicate without gaslighting.

Love these words, and boy, ain't that the truth!  Particularly, the nurturing part hit home with me in the way you said it. I won't forget that!

I thank you for all your wise words. I certainly need all the support I can get. I wouldn't have known at one time that being in contact with your FOO is a sign of being somewhat guillable, but it is because they only use you in a harmful way.

I think I also did it to keep a storm from brewing; I feel so solo in this battle, as I am not married and don't have any children. I am fine with that, but sometimes not, because of less company and supporters. I had a few relationships and a long-term one, but he was narcissistic himself and my biggest challenge of all! These days, I am both sociable and equally a loner, so I can be this way; especially growing up with NPD parents and a sibling I had to battle.

By the way, I was thinking about it and realized just because I said I'd text, doesn't mean I have to!  It is my perogative to change my mind, especially after her cussing response to my saying on the condition she doesn't cuss me out!   

Now, who does that? A Narc, that's who!

[LoverofPeace]

LoverofPeace - it seems like the contact did bring some reassurance. What I really love about coming out of the fear, obligation, and guilt is the empowerment it brings to choose wisely for ourselves what works for us and our health day to day. You can change your mind. And you can change your mode of contact and even space it out as far as you decide works for you. That is your human right.

Something I am doing to offer the amount of support I can safely give to an elderly uPD family member is drop a card in the mail... yes, snail mail, here and there with a simple message. No phone calls, emails, and if this person has needs I can use delivery systems to meet them.

It is not that we stop caring or having concern for others when we have to distance ourselves, it is that we make measured and careful choices in how or if or when we engage and as trees suggests we evaluate how that impacts us and adjust as we go. Love the 51% Rule at times like this.

Wow, Bloomie love this advice! I definitely agree 💯 with all you said. Thought about any deliveries before, but not the card via snail mail. Would consider it, along with my rules and conditions staying intact.

Thanks! 🤗

[LoverofPeace]

I think this is normal behavior. You were genuinely concerned about your PD mother. I did this, too. I broke 4 years of NC back to square one.
Let's at least pat ourselves on the back because we are caring and empathetic people. As for your N mom, she is probably gloating at the thought of you reaching out to her during these times. It's only about narcissistic supply to her. that's it.

Hi MarlenaEve,

Beautiful name, by the way.

Yes, let's pat ourselves on the back. Though my feelings are mixed on it, I still was able to exhale because this whole virus thing is so out the box, that our responses to it might be too. We can't beat ourselves up for being human, indeed!

You are correct that she might have gloated. But you know what? Though it still crosses my mind, I have come a long way in learning not to care what they are thinking. Only our own thoughts and actions count in how we handle things. We already know they are emotionally immature and broken so badly they mostly can't be healed, sad to say.

Your words are very appreciated! 😊🌹