Breaking NC?

[gcj07a]

I've been NC with ubpdm since last september (and my wife and kids since January of this year). I have no intention of breaking that now, but I do wonder what I should do when/if she's on her deathbed. If she catches COVID-19 she will die (she has an autoimmune disorder and terrible respiratory issues). Will I regret not going to see her? Do I go to her funeral? I want to think through this now before it potentially happens. Thoughts? Advice?

Thanks!

[GettingOOTF]

I’ve posted about this before. Years ago before I knew about FOG my mother died. I flew back to see her. It was an awful and stressful situation that brought out the worst in everyone. My father did some of the cruelest things he’s ever done to me during that time.

Two years ago, in an event that was the precursor to my finally going NC with my siblings and father my father got really sick.  Everyone, including the doctors and my father, thought he would die. He was awful during this time. He said such hurtful and cruel things to me. Especially on the day of his surgery when I called to wish him good luck.

I feel that had he died then I would have felt worse having been subjected to “last hurrah” of cruelty when he thought he’d never speak to me again.

I think of this when I worry about him getting sick, especially now with COVID-19. I know that there won’t be a tearful goodbye and any acknowledgement that I was loved.

My experience is that dying doesn’t change a disordered person.

That said, I think there is no wrong choice here. You have to do what you will feel least bad about in the long run.

I feel like I have made peace with the fact that I likely won’t ever see or speak to my father again. I can’t say for certain what I will do when his time comes.

Obviously like so many of us here I’ve been thinking about this a lot over the past few weeks. It’s a tough spot to be in and we can only do our best.

ETA - I did not go to my mother’s funeral as she lived half way around the world and she died only weeks after I got back from seeing her. I did write a eulogy which someone else read in the church.

I won’t go to my father’s. Before I went NC with him I went NC with my siblings. They are deep, deep and very lost in FOG and they wouldn’t react well.

[stasia]

No advice, but I'm in the same boat and fighting extreme FOG. I've been NC for nearly 3 years and I feel deeply guilty that I am not helping elderly M through this, bringing her groceries and cat food for her 8 million cats (never mind that I live in a major city that's absolutely loaded with the virus; of course my own health doesn't matter to her), letting her cry and wail and scream at me about how terrified she is about all of this.

I know for my own mental health, I cannot see her or talk to her again. As terrible as it sounds, if she dies of this, the part I'm dreading is having to clean out her house, as she's a hoarder and how in hell do I sanitize all of that mess so that it's safe for me to touch it?

I don't personally feel the need for the closure of seeing her before she dies, but if you do, that is OK! I think that we each need to do what feels right for us, and not make a decision out of FOG. I know for me, if I broke NC it would be completely FOG and have nothing to do with what I really want. If I broke NC today to check on her (which I'm feeling DEEPLY guilty about not doing), the torrent of fear, waifing, anger, panic, terror that she would vomit at me would absolutely destroy me. I went NC because of the uncontrollable panic attacks that happened every time she called me and I don't personally feel like I can go back to that and stay sane.

[FogDawg]

The only one who can answer that is you. You know yourself best and whether you would be able to handle the decision of maintaining distance and silence when the time comes. I highly doubt that you would receive proper closure, honestly.

[overitall]

I have been NC with uNPDf and uBPDm for almost ten years..they are old...in their 80's, but that does not change anything for me...they are the same people...my uNPDf has had "terminal" cancer now for almost three years...I have heard "through the grapevine" that he is very sick...do I feel guilty?  NO....I might have felt guilty 20 years ago, but both of my parents have managed to kill just about every single positive feeling I ever had about them....

My uBPDm's current approach is to tell anyone and everyone who will listen that she has "no idea" why I won't speak to them....um, okay, well she DOES know why but she can't admit to the horrific abuse she levied on me and how my uNPDf sat by idly and watched her dish out her "discipline."  I was subjected to physical, emotional, and sexual abuse in my FOO....In my mind, they deserve to die alone, without any support from me...Maybe I'm vindictive, but I know as a parent, I would NEVER do what my parents did to me....

FOG is difficult, but for me it was a process...I honestly don't really even think of them much and when someone does bring up the subject, it really doesn't affect me much....One thing is for sure though, I will never see them again and I will never attend any type of funeral for either or them....I absolutely, positively know that they understand what they have done but will never ever take responsibility...that, in and of itself, is enough for me

[FogDawg]

In my mind, they deserve to die alone, without any support from me...Maybe I'm vindictive, but I know as a parent, I would NEVER do what my parents did to me....

I completely get where you are coming from. If anyone accuses you of being vindictive, petty, or any other such descriptor, or if you begin to think that of yourself, what you are is human. Abusers do not deserve to get off scot free, with no repercussions and the victim(s) wishing them only the best, especially if they cannot even be bothered to acknowledge the pain that they have caused. 

[TwentyTwenty]

When my parents die, there will be 2 less  people in the world that believe I am an evil person.

That's about it.

[gcj07a]

Thanks everyone. I spent awhile on the phone with my father yesterday and feel quite a bit better about keeping the NC in place. He was able to remind me of all the reasons I went NC and also reminded me that whatever kindness I might show to M, she would just exploit it/abuse me. There really is no point. NC means NC for me.

[GettingOOTF]

Thanks everyone. I spent awhile on the phone with my father yesterday and feel quite a bit better about keeping the NC in place. He was able to remind me of all the reasons I went NC and also reminded me that whatever kindness I might show to M, she would just exploit it/abuse me. There really is no point. NC means NC for me.

I'm sorry. I know that when we reach out especially during tough times there is a part of us that hopes it will be different.

You are not alone in learning that they don't change.

Thank you for sharing. You have helped strengthen my resolve to stay NC.

[overitall]

It took me a long, long time before I realized that breaking NC would only harm me....it gave my parents the opportunity to continue to harm me...many times after NC the abuse was only worse....I used to believe they would change someday....never happened and never will....uNPDf is going to his grave with his lies and secrets...

[Tried2bZen]

It took me a long, long time before I realized that breaking NC would only harm me....it gave my parents the opportunity to continue to harm me...many times after NC the abuse was only worse.

That's exactly what I was thinking and that seems to be along the lines of the experience of anyone ever going back. And it almost "makes sense," just the fact that we went/are NC does not change their personality disorder, unless they would actually be willing to do their own healing work.

[overitall]

Honestly, I feel that after NC if I were to resume contact, my FOO would have a "field day" and unload all of their built up frustration at not being able to "get at me"  They'll never be able to hurt me ever again...