The Past Can't Be Talked About???

[Bowsy26]

I know my dxnpdh won't allow any discussion of anything he might have done "wrong", which is typical of a PD, but mine takes the no talk rule to a new level.  We are not allowed to reminisce about our past together at all and not ever.  We've been together a long time (we're in our 60s) but there is never a time to just think back and talk about our shared past.  No talk of fun times  (such as they were), vacations, when we/he/I were involved in various projects or activities.  It's as if our past never happened so it doesn't exist.  I recall one anniversary spent at a restaurant begging him to talk about our shared memories.  He just sat there, kept threatening to leave, etc.  He finally agreed to let ME talk about my memories while he stared at me.  He didn't join in, no "Oh, yeah, I remember that!!  Just a blank stare while he waited for me to finish and move on.   

Has anyone else experienced this?  It sounds crazy to put it on "paper" but it certainly explains why I feel so incredibly lonely and that my perception of feeling alone most of the time has a basis in reality. 

[D.Dan]

My uPDmom did this for years. Until a couple years ago after I kicked her out of my house and she wanted back in, then she suddenly wanted to talk about ALL the good times. (Most of her good times were my bad memories)

Growing up, whenever I tried talking about a good memory or even asked her about her past, her response was always, "that was during a bad time in my life!" ALWAYS!

The time we kids had cookies and jello for lunch. NOPE! Bad time!
My wedding day. NOPE! Bad time!
When the cat used to steal our take-out drink straws while we weren't looking. Again, NOPE! Bad time!

So I stopped trying to reminisce with her. Then, after I left my abusive ex, and kicked both her and my freeloading uPDbro1 out, when my life started going simple, smooth and good.... she wanted back in!

I had always gotten the feeling that my uPDmom was trying to withhold those good feelings you get from reminiscing about good memories. Like trying to make sure I couldn't feel good about the past. However, her suddenly wanting to talk about the past was also painful because it confirmed a lot of my thoughts and feelings about my past abusive memories around her.

[Free2Bme]

I can relate.  My updxh did this to escape accountability for his behavior.  If I attempted to bring anything up, (for the purpose of reconciliation not to berate him), I was told I that I "lived in the past and can't let anything go", "am unforgiving", "bitter", "ungodly", you name it.  For years I deluded myself into thinking that there were some magic words, if said in a certain way, would penetrate his heart and mind.  The only thing magical, was my wishful thinking.

Bowsy-  What you describe is an extreme form of this behavior, IMO.  I can certainly understand how you would feel lonely.  It seems cruel to me that you would be disallowed reminiscing of pleasant memories.  It sounds like he just wants to erase everything and give no opportunity for conversation.  I'm wondering if this isn't part of the discard stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle.....hmmm.   So sorry for your situation.

DDan-  This is interesting because my mom (not PD but has some traits), will want to talk about all the "good times" and selective bad times we had in decades past.  This is to the exclusion of anything that has to do with her bad choices and how they affected me growing up in a household where I witness DV on a weekly basis.  You mom's excuses sound very familiar, sadly.  My mom's fav is "I didn't know, no one told me any different, it was the culture's fault"   

Sometimes I wonder about how I will react when one of my 4 children comes to me with an assertion about the past.  I am not an abuser, but I am not the perfect parent.  How can I not repeat this cycle of denial?  I want to be brave, admit my own fault and shortcomings, ask for forgiveness, etc.   Especially because I know their dad will not own up to anything, at least one parent should model this.  I also don't want to sign on to take the blame for something that wasn't my fault or did not happen.  This is so hard.

[clara]

I suspect another reason PDs might do this is as a way to exert their control.   What matters to you is irrelevant.  The only acceptable reality is what matters to them.  So, when you express interest in something that matters to you, they might regard this as something of a threat, since you're asserting yourself as someone outside of their control.  Even if they share those memories, and even if they regard them fondly, they won't want you to have that pleasure so will attempt to shut the discussion down.  Those moments remind them that they're not in control, that other people can be outside of their reach.  If they feel that you, however, can be brought back to within the reach of their control, then they'll try to use it, and it sounds like your husband has found one reliable tool.  He knows you want to talk about the past, he knows how much it means to you, and because of that he's found your weak spot.  He'll deny you that pleasure simply because he can.  Now, I realize this might not be the situation, but I'm suggesting this as a possible motive.  It makes sense to me because the PDs in my life have always sought to control the narrative, and I can easily see this as something they might do (although in my case, talking about shared past events usually resulted in a heavily revised memory on their part so sometimes it was like we'd lived two different experiences!)

[Bowsy26]

Free2BMe:  I totally relate to what you are saying.  For years, I tried different voice inflections, different words, different expressions trying to find the right formula.  I even remember telling his AODA counselor years and years ago that I could determine what H would say based on these things.  She laughed at me.  I wish I had said "Let me show you".   The idea that this is part of the discard stage struck me.  Early in our marriage, there was a bad situation that I caused.  I took responsibility, apologized, put things right but that is when a lot changed in our relationship.  Funny (well, not so funny), but I don't think he is able to forgive or move on.  However, he expects instant forgiveness for anything he has done, no matter how outrageous or egregious. 

Clara:  I'm doing what I can to learn as much about PDs as I can.  The issue of control comes up a lot in the literature.  When dxnpdh was in AODA treatment, he learned the word "control".  He used it to his advantage with his counselors to demonstrate how much I control.  While they never asked me about the truth of what he was saying, when I would have to meet with them jointly along with H, they always suggested I go to Al-Anon and work on my control issues.  This was so confusing to me as we never talked about what I was doing that was controlling.  They were apparently just going on what H said.  I was very introverted back then and never spoke up.  However, I remember thinking many times "If I am so controlling, why is H the only one that gets what he wants?"  It made no sense but now after reading about NPD, it makes total sense.  He was so good at image management, not just his but those around him, too.  So my image was of the controlling shrew of a wife.  His image was of the poor, picked on addict who  deserved sympathy.  The reality was quite different.  Now I'm over 60 and wondering what happened to my life.  H retired last year...     He keeps talking about HIM having a happy retirement.  He's never asked what would make me happy in our retirement.  He just expects me to take care of making sure he gets all the things on his retirement bucket list.  I'm digressing, but I can see the control issue in not allowing me to have a past.  He once told me he would never socialize with me.  He also said he throws anything I say into a black hole and never thinks of it again.  It's not difficult to see him throwing the memory of anything we have done together into this same black hole.   

Dan:  They really hate to see us happy, don't they?  My mother may have had a PD (she was quite violent and took reponsibility for nothing), and she also never reminisced.  Of course, she never did anything with any of us kids so there really wasn't anything much to reminisce about except her blame and her beatings.  So sorry you had to go through that invalidation.  What you describe your life as now is what I am looking to do with mine.  I had a tentative move out date of July 1 (I set up H with a 3 day trip for something on his bucket list so I could move while he was gone) but with Covid-19, plans are on hold.  Peace, quiet, calm and none of my stuff constantly turning up missing sounds great.