Advice? (Much Ado about group texts)

[DistanceNotDefense]

Nanotech....thank you! Thank you for taking the time to write this out to me right around your bed time. I appreciate it and your words really give me strength, and are really helping me see the light.

All of what you describe sounds so awful and, of course, familiar. I've just blocked my FOO on FB, they're in a tizzy about it of course, and in the process also revealed how obsessively they've been checking my FB page (probably to gather details about my life and conjecture forever about how awful me and my DH are, or at least debate about it) so it was a good decision.

Thanks for telling me to keep my boundaries, watch out for love bombing, and flying monkeys. I will! It's going to be very hard to rebuild trust with FOO after the corner they've pushed me into anyway, and I'm paranoid as hell about them, which doesn't feel good but protects me in the long run at least  (Long back story to this I realize, it's found in other threads I started )

And I think you're right - I think my having a husband, successful businesses, buying a house, etc. and being a separate, functioning, healthy individual outside of FOO is the real problem they have. I'm fortunate to have a great marriage and a great pool of friendships and community to find a new sense of family in after all this, too.

When we make these changes it's still upsetting to begin with. We have to deconstruct a fantasy we've been indoctrinated into and held close for a long, long time. I think I even felt grief. It does pass.

This, this, a thousand times this. Still stuck in this stage and all the emotion that comes with it, and I can feel crazy and like I'm stuck in a bad dream, but I refuse bowing down to dysfunction and self-hate for comfort, and what I've seen cannot be unseen....

[nanotech]

Distance you will get through it, though it feels hard.
I think I felt like an abandoned child for a while!
Jerry Wise said something important in one of his videos - ( I think it was the 'Calmness is Everything ' one. ( that's well worth looking at.) He said that once we are adults, we don't need the love of our parents. ( or siblings)
We CAN get by fine without it. Of course it would be nice to have it, he said, but we don't actually need it to thrive.
That's a big statement.
I realised he was right.
I found that quite freeing.
But you might not be at this point yet. You are on your way to it.
I'm in a happy marriage too, and they resented it and tried to look for things wrong with it. In the past they've even tried a smear campaign against hubby. All my hubby's ever been to them is respectful and helpful.
They are just not very nice people. I've forgiven them countless times.  I didn't realise they were being abusive at times, until after I came Out of the FOG. This is because as I was growing up,  shaming, disrespect and negative criticism, was normalised.
It's about 9 years now since I read the book ' Toxic Parents,'
Wow what an eye opener.
Then I found this wonderful website.
Then I had therapy.
I also watch Kris Godinez, Jerry Wise, Les Carter on you tube. All good stuff and it will get you through!
It took me some time and sometimes I feel by the wayside or I got sucked back in for a while. Happens.
Well done for blocking them on fb. Honestly you will feel so much better and stronger for it. And for me, the calming effect increases still as more time passes (about three years for the two malicious Ns, and fairly recently I've also blocked two flying monkey family members. There was a fuss about that, but I stuck to it.
The fuss made me realise that yep 👍 they were feeding info back to the others  - so it was a great decision.

Something about the format of Facebook really attracts PDs. I've heard it referred to as a narcissist's playground. I'm still on it, just with the healthy relationships! Take care!! 🤗

[DistanceNotDefense]

Thank you again, nanotech, for those extremely wise words. They help me. You take care, too!

[yarlanzey]

I'm NC on social media with family of origin. They used to be just the same, either the show off, or the put down, or both.
They like to read all about me, and either ignore me blatantly, or try to passive aggressively criticise me and belittle me, both publicly to their friends, and also in group chats.
They loved social media for the window on my world  it offered them. Countless times, they crossed the line. I would point it out and they would get their last word in, and then dramatically unfriend me.
After a time, I would feel sorry that we weren't speaking. I would always be the one to reach out. It was always me.
Things would be fine for a while, then nasty whisps of abuse would begin to curl in, and the pattern would start all over again.
I tried to talk to two of them about boundaries. What a waste of time that was. One laughed. The other got furious. With the furious one, I've had to ban texts as well.
There's no appealing to their 'better nature".
NC with them and VLC with my one remaining parent.
No more of the posturing,  passive- aggressive group chats.
No more of the magical thinking/sickly sweet love bombing for each other on their various Facebook pages  ( posted so friends could tell them what a lovely family we are. And they did tell them).
The FOO despise me now. Not that they ever liked me, but my oh so public non -compliance REEKS of family discord, which they can't have , because it isn't a good look to their Facebook friends, whom they are all about impressing.
I've never been happier. I can be myself online. I don't have to worry about them breathing down my neck.
There's dislike and  disapproval from them, but hey, what's new? It's water off a ducks back. Once you realise that they will never have your back, the decision is easy.

Thanks for talking about your experiences. For me, the family and extended family Whatsapp group wasn't overtly toxic, but in a way that makes things "sneakier". The Whatsapp group was mostly all about bragging. Proper toxicity was done in real life.

I'm feeling a little bad today because I happened to see someone who was in my former group of "friends". Although this guy was the "best of a bad bunch", I found myself trying my best to avoid him. So basically I blanked him, although maybe I succeeded in making him think I hadn't seen him (or possibly heard him, I think he might have called my name but I'm not sure).

Anyway, I pretty much know it would be hopeless to talk to this guy again. There's an ultra-toxic leader of the group of friends, whom I'm NC with. Right, I've probably said enough, no point obsessing about this stuff for now. Good luck everyone.

[magenta22]

Hello ! I had this issue 4 years ago when I began LC that eventually led me to NC. I will share my experience to see if it relates.

My FOO is Narcissistic, NPD mother, BPD sis, NPD bro, etc.

My NPD golden child brother kept adding me to this 'Family' group text. At the beginning I accepted the group: I though it's only text and I do not have to answer anything and some members of the extended family are not toxic, so what harm can that do?....
Boy that was a mistake ! Many times there were texts and even photographs that triggered my anxiety and brought bad memories, for example:

Once they published the photo of a deceased NPD aunt that had abused my cousins horrendously.... one of this cousins even tried to commit suicide several times because of the abuse he suffered since infancy and this photo was published as she was the greatest mother in the world on mothers day, it made me feel sick the hypocrisy of it....and the lack of respect towards my other cousins when everybody knew how she was.

Also my NPD bro loved rubbing in to other family members how rich he was publishing photos of his latest luxury trips and cars, knowing that many of the extended family members were still struggling financially.

The list could go on.....so I decided to get out of this group text, it was not healthy for me. So I left the group.

My NPD bro did not like this and texted why I did not form part of his family group text anymore? I think he did not like to have lost 'audience for his N supply' I guess. I answered simply that 'I do not like group texts' and that was it. Well, he kept sending invitations to rejoin this group over and over (like 5 to 10 times!).  I always reject the request and give no more explanations (once is enough, but we know how NPDs are )..I remembered also that I'm not supposed to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain) to toxic people.

This was an excellent decision for me, no more drama or triggering and truer NC.
I'm glad I left because even in group texts this people are toxic and when there are toxic members in those chats they will exert their influence to triangulate, to get information to use as ammunition against others, to get supply, etc. Even if the majority of the members of the chat are not dysfunctional. This is sadly so.

Leaving the group and never returning or subscribing to any other group were a toxic family member was part of proved wise.
Privacy, no more triggering and peace of mind.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Thanks for sharing your experience magenta22  I too have felt a surprising amount of peace of mind finally blocking the group messages I would be initiated into by FOO.

This has recently moved one step farther: directly blocking some FOO by text and social media.

It would get so weird and passive aggressive sometimes. One uPD FOO member decided to drag a character from TV show that they thought was my favorite (which was funny, it wasn't even my favorite character). And tried to describe the character and how awful they are to other FOO members in the message thread but it was clearly a description of me, actually, and what they thought of me. Kind of amusing really but also hurtful.

What you describe with YOUR FOO sounds even worse! If my FOO posted pics of my uPD F, wow, the gall..

It was kind of scary at first to do the blocking. Fearing repercussions. Then I realized I couldn't get any of those repercussions because they can't contact me  and I live quite far from all of them.

[nanotech]

What are you afraid of? Being in the group text is causing you stress and anxiety. You need to put your own mental health and well-being first. Do what YOU need to do. If others react in a bad way that is their problem not yours. How they cope with rejection is up to them not up to you. You are not responsible for their inability to cope. That is their problem to deal with not yours. 

I know it's not easy to put our own feelings and well-being first because of all the programming we've had to cope with for years, maybe even decades. All the FOG fear, obligation and guilt takes it toll. You need to look after you. No one else is going to do that for you.

It's OK to put your own feelings and well-being first. You matter too. You need to work on building up your own self esteem and being more assertive. Calmly talk more about your own feelings first and what you want and need. How others behave is up to them, not you.

You do not have to JADE that is justify, argue, defend or explain yourself. You could simply tell them that you are not going to take part any more. Keep it short. They may try and goad you but stay strong and don't engage.  Whatever happens stay calm.

Keep strong. Keep calm.

I agree with guitarman.
I've experience of this. 
In my family, I've noticed that it's accepted for certain family members (UNPDs and  BPDs) to ignore texts and leave groups, as long as they are Golden Children.
In my FOO, this generally means male, except for my son of course( because of me!) and I would include one or two flying monkey females, according to who was in the group.
If they are just talking to me and mine, the flying monkeys are also permitted to  ignore, discard, leave the conversation. 

If there are male UNPD/ BPD GCs in the group, then the Fms HAVE  to stay, to fawn over them and back up the GCs whatever they say. What they say are  usually passive aggressive remarks aimed at the scapegoat or scapegoats.
One FM has deserted her mother, (her mum, my sis, is UBPD but sometimes she is scapegoated)
in favour of pleasing my UNPD father and brother. 
My brother instigated this. Bullies need Fms.

My brother had tried to similarly turn my daughter against me (by questioning my sanity! ) That didn't work 😊

Look, it can get nasty at first. I bit the bullet and blocked them all from Facebook and group messaging. They tried to add me back into messenger group chats a few times. I just as promptly a left the group, then asked them politely not to re -add me.  I pointed out that I just wanted to 'do less' on social media. I was merely cutting down my social media.  Full stop. There's no need to explain it further.

My dad accepted it. The others moaned. They said it was 'needed'. I said they had my email address.  I ignored any further comments and I stayed calm.

Because I've blocked them in messenger and in FB they have NO idea when I'm online.The can't spy on me or gang up in group chats.  It's wonderful.

They tried for a while to get me back in there. I told them that they could contact me in an emergency by text or phone.

I speak to one sister by text now and again. I keep it light, and she accepts that. Social chit chat. No family politics.

I don't answer texts from GC brother. I found that if I texted him I was getting ignored/ discarded.
Any from him were once in a blue moon, and always passive - aggressive/ hinting blame at me for something or other,  so I put a polite stop to that. I did politely mention the apparent discarding to him. He raged back at me  in a text message -about how busy and important he was and how unimportant I was and intimated that I was friendless so of course I received far less texts than him and had much more time to answer than him!
OMG. if this stuff was in a movie it wouldn't be believed. If you stay polite but stay firm, there's not a lot they can do.
I didn't answer that. He left it two hours then texted my daughter, asking if I was alright? 😆
The attempts at smearing, at least for me, fizzled away. The lack of response floored them. Yeh! 
I'm now free.

Sorry if I've gone on too much about me.
I can't tell you what to do. But guitarman is right. We are under no obligation.
Taking back your privacy is your entitlement. It's helped me so much to find who I am again.

[yarlanzey]

Great to see other people talking about this.

I was in a big, extended family group on Whatsapp. It used to irritate me because it was mostly people bragging about their achievements, or their children's achievements and so on.

Things came to a head last December. I was angry about how I was treated by a certain family member, and then her mother posts something which kind of implied that this "person" was angelic or something lol. On top of this, some toxic former friends had added me to a group, trying to get me to engage with them just because it was Christmastime I guess. I've fallen for that before but I won't be doing so again.

So anyway, I "left" the family group without saying anything, but nonetheless they would all see that I had left. Shortly afterwards I got rid of Whatsapp altogether.

That "fake angel" family member has done something "good" for someone else (although it probably didn't take much effort and was more luck than anything else) so I'll probably hear her stupid name being mentioned, and in a "positive" light. I know what she really is though..

Really glad I got rid of Whatsapp last year. I won't be going anywhere near that app again. I think all these apps, social media, dating sites, chatrooms etc. are full of narcissists and other "undesirables".

I've been reading "Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare", which seems like a really good book. Don't get gaslighted (gaslit?) people, look after yourselves.