I almost left

[Jsinjin]

Today has been horrible.    All three kids are home, DD1 from college, DS a high school sophomore and DD2 an 8th grader.    The world is upended in our part of the country with the state and county imposing quarantine and mandatory stay in place rules.   This morning I asked the family to watch mass livestreamed from the local Catholic church.    That fell apart and resulted in major fighting with the kids and uOCPdw and I.    The issue was as usual fairness which is something my spouse must have in all things whether chores or responsibilities or consequences for actions.   

At one point I asked her if I could talk and all's she would sai so she is a failure and the kids are beyond hope.    This is typical.   But tonight was a new level.  I asked DD 2 to set the table and an issue came up of "why can't DS do it" and he was out for a run.   I said, just do it and uOCPDw said it really isn't fair that he doesn't have to help.   This is a 20 second task so I did it.   Uocpdw lost it.    Angrily began emptying the dishwasher and yelling and throwing dishes into different drawers and cabinets.    The violence was loud and tense.    I gave up and to be honest was scared.    I backed my truck out and she came out yelling.   When she gets angry like this she yells 'yoooouuuuhhh' and shakes her hands.   It's frightening.   I pulled my work computers together and my medicine and jumped in my truck.    As I was driving, headed to my mom's home I realized that DS was at the track where I dropped him expecting me to pick him up    I went there and texted uocpdw  that I'm petrified of her.   Mom is nearly 6 hours away and we are under quarantine and I had no clothes, only my computer systems for work     

I turned back.   Since I got home all there has been is a false niceness with no acknowledgement of the problems    DD oldest is gone and said she would be at a friend's home until she figures out what to do.

Uocpdw is back to monitoring the mess of covid19 and that's it.   No discussion.   If I try to discuss it I know I'll just hear her say "I'm so stupid and it's all my fault and I'm a total failure" which is what she does every time.   I need to get out and tried to work on lil house this weekend but even a modest purchase at the local hardware.stoee resulted in an inquiry and 20 questions.    I worry so much about the kids and uocpdw is getting further and further down the crazy track.

I'm so lost on what to do

[Jsinjin]

Moderator, I was distraught and meant to post this in separated and divorcing     can you please move this?

[blahblah]

Sounds horrible! Stay safe.
I know what you are going through. It's beyond bareable. Hope you will find a way to get through.

[Rose1]

I understand your house isn't finished but is it worse than camping? Would your kids go with you if you all got into the truck and just left and quarantined there for the duration?
I wonder what it is about her saying she is a failure that makes you stop? Are you scared she will harm herself? I'm concerned she is escalating and getting very scary

[bloomie]

Jsinjin - I am so sorry for all that your family is going through. It sounds like what you are all living in is a toxic atmosphere of risk and rage. Something that may be really wise to do is to talk your current living situation (and your children's) with a domestic violence counselor immediately. You can chat live, call, there are many ways to reach out and discuss how best to stay safe and keep your children safe.

Please consider that this is toxic and risky not just for you, but for your children as well. I was your children living with an unstable mother very much like you describe your wife and it was a terrible way to live without hope of escaping watching her abuse and berate my father and us and then flip to abject despair and self loathing. 

Our emergency resources: https://outofthefog.website/emergency

And it may be of great help to complete the Mosaic Threat Assessment for DV offenders found here: https://www.mosaicmethod.com

[GettingOOTF]

My experience is that stressful situations rarely bring out the best in anyone.

Your home sounds a lot like mine did growing up. We had a lot of the same "why can't he????" fights. We learned how to conduct our lives and relationships from our parents. My siblings have recreated this in their homes with their children. I was in a deeply abusive marriage for years where we too mimicked how our parents conducted their marriage.

Your children are not going to change while they are being modeled the same behavior. This is an incredibly stressful time for everyone. I keep seeing a post on line that says "the thing your children will remember most about this time is how it felt in their home".  That hits me every time I see it. I remember dreading going home after school and hating the weekends.

I hope you are able to find some peace.