Have I been hoovered?

[Gromit]

Last week I get a text from my sis.

She wants to update me about enDad. He is now living with her, PDmother can no longer cope. He has terminal cancer.

I say I am home and she calls me, tells me all about it, how he speaks about me, could I email him? So, I do, nothing major, just chat. She texts me to say it has reached his account, but, of course, she hasn't read it.

Since then, nothing. My OH keeps asking if I have had a response, anything else. Kind of wonder if I was manipulated. However, does it really matter? They haven't gained anything from it except the knowledge that I would send an email to a dying man, oh, and a link to a carers  organisation for my sis. I see it as being a normal human being, they can read into it whatever they will and whether I get a response or not, well, I am unlikely to send another email unless I do.

I think my OH is just shocked that, after the call and all the texts my sis sent that day I haven't had a response of any kind but he still expects social niceties from people, the kind of thing I am completely uneducated about.

G

[Penny Lane]

Whether or not it's a hoover my question would be, do you feel like you were tricked into doing something you didn't want to do?  Or were you able to maintain your boundaries during this interaction?

[biggerfish]

Whether or not it's a hoover my question would be, do you feel like you were tricked into doing something you didn't want to do?  Or were you able to maintain your boundaries during this interaction?

I agree with this question. What matters is that you are doing what you want to do. Or at least that's the goal to learn how to do. Perhaps you're on a path with this.

[Gromit]

I haven't heard anything else from my FOO.
I would not have emailed without my sister approaching me but I didn't reveal anything in that email either, or in talking to my sister, didn't respond to her many texts either.

It is just odd, I think my sister just wanted to talk about the situation, and I listened.

G

[nanotech]

I think it was a hoover to get you to contact him?   
Now you've sent it, sis is clearly quite happy for you to remain unanswered. Plus, you've no idea whether your dad has read it or not.

So now it's the discard.

If you'd offered any juicy information (well fine keeping it light) then the hoovering might well have continued longer, but other the discard would still arrive like the Queen of Sheba at some point.

I'd bet my bottom dollar too, that sis has read the email, and has not been too delighted with the medium chill.

You've sent it, then heard nothing.
After all that fuss- it's not normal. It's pretty disordered.
We know we've possibly been hoovered- we recognise it when that uneasy feeling occurs. The one that's made you post on here.
I've had that too.
They fawn a little, get you to respond, then they discard.
Horrid.
Take this away from it - don't bother next time.
I know what you mean too, about not knowing about social niceties.
Me too. I was taught to believe that ignoring/ blanking/ phone put -downing / rude behaviour was the norm, and that I had either to respond to it with excess fawning or or at least tolerate it ( freeze) until they got to the stage where they would then act as if it had NEVER happened.
Take care. Don't get drawn in. Sis will probably try it again now he's living there and ill. It's a shame he's dying of course, but remember that because a relative is dying it doesn't give them, or anyone else, the right to abuse you. You're not responsible  for his happiness, he has the choice on that. Nor are you to be used as some sort of channel for any upcoming collective anger or spite.
So keep those boundaries strong.

[Gromit]

Thanks Nanotech, I love the cool intellectual explanation. I was unaware of 'the discard'.

Now I have had a response from my dad, in a rather different style than normal, written by someone else? Or is it just on a different device? Still, not acknowledging what I said. I feel abandoned again. I made an effort, it wasn't acknowledged, it was replied to, out of politeness, not the impression my sis gave me about him talking about me. It felt like a punishment, perhaps it was because I would not give them any information about my DD's illness (she didn't want me to).

Actually, thinking about it, they have given dad an iPad, my mail disappears on my iPad after a week on Outlook so maybe he could not remember what was in my email, just that I had sent one. Am I clutching at straws? Yes, probably, if he had been excited about it he would have responded quicker.

The abandonment feeling is real. My sis sent 5 text messages about the email FFS! Ok, I didn't respond, it didn't seem necessary.

Thanks,

G

[nanotech]

I'm sorry for the late reply. Email notifications aren't working for this website for me right now.
I'm glad I could help. 
I've recently been hoovered by niece to reconnect with my abusive siblings. I replied by restating my  boundary on that. I kept it medium chill. I tried not to JADE and offered no information that they could use against me.
Well it all went quiet. NO acknowledgement was returned concerning my words on that topic!
It was as if I'd never spoken. It was as if she'd never asked. 
She had asked me three times in messages full of FOG triggers.
On abandonment. Like eckhart Tolle says, acknowledge the feeling and sit with it and observe it But be aware it's just thoughts and your thoughts are not you. They are constructed from our conditioning as children. I  felt abandoned last year, but strangely it's wearing off. Thoughts of abandonment by families who don't have your best interests at heart are a continuation of the abuse. It's a response to the trauma bonding they subjected us to.
You've replied, but not in the ways they want. So then it's punishment time and they ignore you.
The more they ignore you, the emotionally healthier you can bet you are.


My siblings can contact me by email but they want social media. I had to contact older sis a few months ago as I received a scam email from her email address and I was concerned that she had been hacked.
I got a cold and 'punishing' email back.
Normal sibling contact, is not the sort of contact they want. It's no good expecting them to behave rationally. They can't.
They want us back in our place of torment, worrying, fretting, JADEing. I can't believe I stayed THERE  so long!  Not returning there.

So after the attempt at snubbing me
(snubbing is her fave!) when I got another scam email from her  I didn't bother letting her know. It was just normal advice to her to change her password. I got a slap in the face with a fish for my troubles!
They honestly aren't worth feeling abandoned by!