Family/Shared Text Threads

[teddy2008]

Hey there,

First time poster, this website has been a great resource for me and thanks for all of your helpful responses.

I am largely no contact with my PD MIL and enabling BIL's. We see each other a few times a year to have grandkids/cousins gather, but outside of that time my husband handles the communication coming from that side.  That being said- I am still on a large family text thread and expected to stay on.  Majority of the conversation is the MIL and enablers.  Right now there is a ton of fear mongering about covid-19 and in addition to the nasty comments thrown in- I get worked up/anxious whenever I see them. 

I have set it to non-notify - but I can still see part of them when I open my texts.  I have a rule with my husband that I wont leave the conversation because it will show up in the group and would cause drama.  Thus far I just delete them before I read but sometimes I still see them or just fall for the trap and still open them up. 

Any tips or advice for how to deal with these non face to face but still contact forms of communication is appreciated.  They are small but they build up over time and just make me upset.

Thanks

[SweetTea]

Hi teddy2008, welcome to the forum.

You say your 'expected to' stay on the text thread. Expected by whom?

Also, as a twenty year narc-abused peacekeeper myself, I understand the desire not to cause drama...but I'd highly recommend leaving the family text thread. And block the offenders #s so you can't be added back. Two reasons:

1) If there's drama when you leave, its not your drama (not your circus, not your monkeys), and you wont even have to see the drama because you'll have left.

2) protecting yourself from anxiety, drama and abuse is far more important than whatever drama the pd family chooses to create in your absence. 

You say your husband handles the communication. Can you enlist his support in your going 'Family Text Thread No Contact'?

It sounds like your husband would get any life/death important family communications himself. You are getting upset and anxious from a delivery system that is superfluous (your husband is on the same thread, yes? Why do you both have to see these texts?) That makes the text thread nothing but a delivery system for drama and anxiety for you. I'd shut that pipeline down, enjoy my new-found peace, and let the circus monkey do whatever the heck they want. That's a boundary thing. Their reactions to your decisions are Their Problem. Their reactions are not your responsibility.

Good luck!

[teddy2008]

Expected by whom?  -> by my husband mostly, but also by the other siblings and their respective spouses.  The longtime policy has been placate and keep the peace.

1) If there's drama when you leave, its not your drama (not your circus, not your monkeys), and you wont even have to see the drama because you'll have left. - > thank you so much for saying this. I think my fear is that my husband will have to handle the fall out and thus I will still be aware of when I'm trying to be there and supportive of him.  Also, he does not understand why the mean comments, fear based dialogue and dysfunction bother me.  He can 'turn them off' where I tend to feel everything more.

2) protecting yourself from anxiety, drama and abuse is far more important than whatever drama the pd family chooses to create in your absence. - > again thank you for saying this. I'm trying to keep telling myself this.   

You say your husband handles the communication. Can you enlist his support in your going 'Family Text Thread No Contact'?  ->  we have discussed before and he asked me not to and that it wouldn't be worth the fight.  He is on the thread as well and see's it all. Again, he ignores most of it. 

I am contacted sometimes directly by MIL on a text thread with my husband on it.  I wish I could turn those off as well, but I struggle with that decision since I still have to visit with her and the BIL's in person a few times a year.  And when I'm around them I have to put on my happy face and act like they have done nothing wrong in the past.

Thanks again for your kind and supportive words

[nanotech]

I used to keep the peace too,  thinking I was being the 'bigger person'. 
Then I realised that I didn't have to be a part of anything that made me feel uncomfortable or anxious.
I don't do any group threads any more. It's a system that's very much open to abuse by PDs.
And now I have peace, and after a brief flurry of fuss and feathers, they've all got used to my not being on there with them.

[WinterStar]

Also, he does not understand why the mean comments, fear based dialogue and dysfunction bother me.  He can 'turn them off' where I tend to feel everything.

We have discussed before and he asked me not to and that it wouldn't be worth the fight.  He is on the thread as well and see's it all. Again, he ignores most of it.

And when I'm around them I have to put on my happy face and act like they have done nothing wrong in the past.

teddy,

I could have written everything you have. Like you, I put on my happy face and endured triggering texts to be supportive of my husband. Doing so damaged my mental health and my marriage.

My husband also tells me that standing up for myself and doing what I need to do to stay sane "isn't worth it." He and your husband have the ability to shrug things off and carry on. No amount of me trying to be more like that worked. I have to be me. I need a voice, and I need to stay away from as much toxic behavior as possible. That's not because I'm weaker than my husband; it's because I'm different than my husband, so asking me to respond the way he does is like asking a fish to be a bird, an exercise in futility.

I don't know if this will work for you, but I changed my phone number. It's been months, and the in-laws haven't noticed yet. If they do, I will not give them my new number. Husband can say that I never text anyway. I refuse to get back on their abusive text chains. And yes, the peace is worth any craziness they decide to generate.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello,

In a dysfunctuonal family system people take on different aspects of the dysfunction. This happens as part of the way in which PDs work. Because they are cut off from parts of themselves they work to enable others to do same. Over time the system is full of anger and resentment that gets expressed in the ways you mention about the threads. The anger is spread around via people posting words that upset others, and they don't notice or don't care that they are just upsetting each other and calling it bonding.

I grew up in that and stepped away from that misery years ago and have no illusions this is what is going on in my FOO too as we speak.

The avoidant people in the family get away with telling others "just do what I do- ignore it". But the avoidant are not usually aware that their coping mechanism isn't an option for the other people.

Often an avoidant will be married to a non avoidant because of how attachment dynamics happen during dating. Lots online about that if you Google avoidants and dating.

A theme in PD affected families is that the avoidant personalities in the family think that everyone can keep the peace by doing what they do. Ignoring messages and "not letting things bother them". But really what that actually is is not holding anyone accountable for their hurtful behaviours. So then there is no peace -and it's not your drama - you didn't create it, you can't control it. These are established dynamics that you won't be able to change.

But you don't have to read those texts. You already know that he sees them so you don't need to read them too.

What I would do in your shoes is say that you have decided one person per household should be on the thread and that's him not you. The data and Wi-Fi usage is through the roof during this pandemic and we are told to limit how much we stream. I would say that to do your part you're limiting your phone usage for a while. Then I would leave. Let them gossip and complain about it.

If you cannot find a way to get off the thread which I truly hope you do, because it is so intrusive, I would take this as an opportunity to practice deleting them without reading them. Or truly find a way to block them in your phone as you would not leave the group to block them. People don't have the inalienable right to stress you out and to question your priorities right now.

We're all being told the best thing to do is limit the spread of the virus. Anything that helps us sleep better is actually a priority to do.

Toxic messages via text are a real pain in the butt. I am sorry you're dealing with this and I bet you are not alone.

Avoidant people often partner with someone with a more active nervous system, someone whose stomach does react when there is stress in the environment.

We 'sensitive' types are able to feel what other deny or ignore and at this time I truly believe we should take care of our needs because our health depends on our ability to feel and recognize stressors in our daily life. And to rest appropriately. A lot of people with less awareness of their anxiety, are going to use things like the family message thread to ask others to process their anxiety because they don't know how to calm themselves down.

It's called being an emotional vampire for a reason.  They post something upsetting-  and you feel anxious. You end up dealing with the emotions other people in the group don't want to deal with.

Trees

[teddy2008]

Thank you all for the advice and support.  This forum is so helpful to hear from all the people who get it.

I need to have another conversation with my husband about taking on communication and that I do not need to be a part of these group threads.

In the short term I did come up with a  fix thanks to the advice of a reply here.  I blocked the numbers of the people who most bother me on the group (I had never thought to do that??).  It does not show I left, but now I do not receive text from those people on the thread or even if they were to contact me directly. If they really need to talk to me it forces them to go through my husband and me not feel so guilty about it. 

Thanks again for advice here.

[Solong]

I've been in your shoes. Right before our daughter was born, I had to (as politely as possible) request to be removed from the family chain. I cited the need for less time on my phone and need to simplify and focus on myself/daughter on the way.

I am sure people thought I was XYZ, but I am so glad I did it. I've never been reintroduced to that family chain and that was 5 years ago. 

[all4peace]

This is tough. I understand your wish to not make waves, or to feel like you have left your DH to deal with the fallout if you leave. However, you are genuinely under no obligation to be in ANY texting thread you don't wish to be apart of. It's simply a fundamental privilege of being an adult (or even a human, as I don't even believe kids should be). Anyway, I do understand it can feel rude or mean to leave, but I also believe that in these really challenging times it is wise for us to carefully use our resources for the betterment of every system we're a part of. That includes our own selves, our marriages, parenthood, jobs, friendships.

I used to be forced into "family" message groups every time my ILs took a trip. Even though at that point they barely spoke to me, I would be added to their chat so I could witness every stage of every trip, and listen to all the banter back and forth. DH wasn't included, ever. I repeatedly asked for DH to be included instead. That was ignored. I finally, when DH had 2 surgeries in 1 winter, and I was caring for him and again in a ridiculous Watch Us Travel!! group, left. I left and got a storm of anger from one SIL. I told her to include her brother instead. It was absolutely nonsensical. I was accused of trying to leave the family (oh, that this were a possibility).

Actual caring supportive relationships care about the preferences of ALL the people in the relationship. If you feel coerced, and like there will be "consequences" if you leave, then it's not a system that is caring of your needs. Or maybe if you left you'd find out it doesn't ruffle as many feathers as you feared. Who knows? Either way, please make the choice that actually lets you be your very best you. Take care! This stuff is hard!

[nanotech]

Me too. Mine is my FOO but the problem was the same. I started off just leaving the group chats.They are all now blocked from my social media. They would try  to bully through the group chats and fb page, and would also stalk me on social media and access my photos to show to anyone else they wanted to.
Unfriending - Older sis would use this as a weapon- an equivalent of slamming the phone down - a favourite  past punishment of my family.
My fam is very passive aggressive, so nothing is said. If I called them out then the 'phone' would slam.  It goes unsaid then comes out in digs and jibes and mocking,which is hard, because then it's deniable and then you get no right of reply to the criticism.

-because it doesn't exist, right?

If I left a group chat,  they would usually find a  (weak) reason to add me back in. Usually  my dad's health.  My dad is, in normal times, an anxious worrier on his health, so this strategy was as good as placing me back permanently.
Every time he had a worry there I was, placed back in the mud of those group chats.

I eventually messaged them and told them I was reducing my social media presence generally, told them I loved them but I wasn't going to be in the group threads any more.
No one asked me why, which was interesting.

I texted them separately, and made sure they had my latest email address and my mobile number, in case of any emergency with dad, or if they wanted to chat. Or they could ring me! So, THERE  was my willingness for contact. This is where I played their game a little. I still remained in contact, it just wasn't the kind of contact they could have fun with.
None of them bother with it, except for N bro who tried to use it once to be nasty. Soo I don't answer texts from him any more.

Older sis used to be very passive aggressive on  the phone and engage in emotional blackmail. Mum too.
It took me 53 years to see this! OMG they had fun with me over the years! Thank God I found out about Narcissistic families.
My mum has since passed away, and this was never resolved with her. But when j began to come Out of the FOG I changed my responses during phone calls with sis and dad. Dad adjusted somewhat though he'll nevef change. Sister dropped me like a hot potato and went from frequent calling to nothing.
It was lovely!

I think it's the audience element of group chatting, that's so attractive to PDs. They thrive on it. UNPDsister tried taunting my leaving, but she just proved me right.
I deleted all of their messages after I reduced my contact.
I kept younger sis on for a while but then I could see she was starting to be used as a Flying Monkey, so she had to go too.
So on FB I'm friends with cousins and nieces from both family sides but not immediate family! Yes it must look odd to my cousins, but as yet, and it's been couple years now, there's been no fallout.
I called her out on the taunting but she denied it. I spoke to my dad about it and he was okay. It helps that my dad isn't on there.
I thought my dad might be angry, but no, he was okay. Telling him early on helped, as the others couldn't bitch about it to him.

I think when it's your family -in -law it's trickier in some ways. But to say you are reducing contact generally, is a good starter for ten.
Then to be honest, just don't worry if they believe you or not! This is the real freedom giver. You are more important than you give yourself credit for. Your choices will be respected. If you are queried just be a broken record on the social media stuff. You've no need to read the texts.
It then makes you stronger. Few months ago,  Nbrother tried the passive aggressive stuff by text. Think he's missing his supply.   
Sooo I messaged him and in very gentle words I put a boundary down about texting. Told him I loved him but find his texts tricky, so with respect I'll only be answering texts when dad is genuinely ill.
Got an angry text back,  which of course I didn't rise to. Had another one since to tell me that ' dad got home safe from his
(routine and probably unnecessary)  hospital appointment!  He's clearly not listened or accepted what I've said, but to angrily tell him that would be to engage once more in the madness.
That was not an emergency. He's trying to reel me back in. He wants me to again believe in the insanity which is the magical thinking that we all must rally round the latest manifestation of  dad's neurosis .
Two hours after he got no reply to his angry and belittling text, he texted my adult daughter and laid  on fake concern for my mental welfare! Haha this is how much they can't believe it when you stop dancing to their tune.
Good luck. I can't actually believe how much better my head is now. If I knew my emotional health was going to improve this much I would have done this years ago X