She's leaving rehab, let the fireworks begin

[OddFamily]

So grandma's leaving rehab in a few days, PTs have said she really can't progress past where she's at now as the bone still has to finish healing enough to support full weight bearing.  That will come in time. 
The original plan was to have her go to assisted living, but then our little "friend" the coronavirus intervened.  She's still insisting on wanting to go back to her house (which she can't keep up with but it's become so much a part of her identity, it's like she's stuck in the 50s where having a nicely kept house was the be all and end all for women), and she was not able to stomach the idea of paying so much a month for assisted living, but the 24 hour home care she'll need is a lot more expensive than assisted living would have been.  And she was fussing about not wanting to spend what would be my mom's inheritance.  How exactly does that work in this situation?
Mom and I have a side bet going on how long it will take for her to want to discontinue home health.  She needs it, but she wants the privacy, and she doesn't seem to want to accept help from anyone she's not related to by blood or marriage. 
You can't have your cake and eat it too.  She's driving me up the wall with what I can see coming even though I've managed to maintain fair distance.  I work as health care support staff, so been using the fact I work in a Petri dish as an excuse, even though my desk is not in the patient areas.  We've been seeing patients in a tent outside to keep patients coming in for other non infectious reasons safe and to keep ourselves safe. 

[WomanInterrupted]

Hi OddFamily 

Oh dear - you and your mom BOTH might be Covid carriers and not even know it, so NOPE - no caregiving duties for either of you! 

I'm only half joking about that - nobody really knows who was exposed to what before all the precautions/social distancing went into place.  You're actually doing your grandmother a *favor* in that she can hire healthy aides who have been properly screened by their companies - and will take proper precautions with masks and gloves.   

The dog-whistle about spending your mom's inheritance?  That's EXACTLY what it  was.  Either your mom gets her buns over there and works herself to the bone - often doing three times the amount of work anybody else would be expected to do just to earn a pittance because somehow, your mom will offend, do something wrong, not be fast or cheerful enough or otherwise not "deserve" the money - or your grandma will claim she's blowing all the money on aides - but not really, because of what you said about privacy and wanting only faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamily to serve her. 

If your mom doesn't hurry over there and bust her butt, your grandma will probably start expecting YOU to do it, using the money as a carrot. 

IME - You and your mom will never see that money/inheritance - or you'll only see a portion of it.   

Here's what happened to unNPD Ray - he had a 10-bedroom house I'd dehoarded (because I have to sleep at night), was 85, had severe balance issues and wouldn't use a cane or walker because they're for OLD people.     He drove, did his own shopping, "prepared" his own meals and did his own "cleaning" - he really did need to be in AL, but nobody was going to take HIS house!   

I insisted he get Life Alert while I went VVVVVVLC.  He said that's for OLD people too -then six months later called to tell me he got it after thinking of it all by himself. 

Ooookay then!   

Ray had a heart attack he'll still swear he never had, went to the hospital and I (behind the scenes) asked for a competency test, which Ray passed.  He went to rehab AND it was noted that Ray really doesn't make great decisions, his balance sucks, and he really needed help around the house.  Since I'd told them NO, his insurance and the rehab put together a TEAM to care for Ray.   

That went great for a few weeks, until they started sending men  he couldn't sexually harass.  And it wasn't just that - the women just didn't have the brute strength it took to get Ray off the ground after yet another of his spectacular falls, where he became 200 lbs of dead-weight.   

That's when Ray fired the team, got ADT to lock out the world and somehow expected ME to do the work of a team.  Instead, I didn't do a thing and worked with Team Authorities behind the scenes, but had 4 very um...spirited...conversations with social workers advising them I would NOT care for Ray in any way, shape or form.  Since he passed a competency test, all we could do was wait for somebody to notice the mail and papers piling up.  Then we could have the cops break in and either find him dead or in serious condition at the bottom of the basement stairs.

I was only partially right - he fell in the bathroom and REFUSED to press his Life Alert, which was right by his hand and it *just happened* to be the day his Visiting Nurse was coming.  He thought she'd MAKE me come over and *do my job* in getting him off the ground and caring for him - instead, I stayed away, let the cops break in, Ray was taken to the hospital and declared incompetent not long after. 

And that's that.  He's was put in a memory care unit nearly 4 years ago, and I've been NC ever since. 

If your grandma has aides, it will probably be because somebody set them up for her - and if she's anything like Ray, she'll probably cancel them the minute they do/say something she doesn't like. 

It doesn't mean you, your mom or any other relative HAS to do a thing - if your grandma needs anything, she can have the grocery store or pharmacy deliver, order from Amazon, call Uber or an ambulance, call her doctor and ask  for help (including the names of companies have aides/home help for hire), call Merry Maids or Meals on Wheels - even with the current problems, there are still a lot of services available to seniors, so they don't fall through the cracks. 

You can also call your grandma's doctor and advise them she fired her aides and nobody in your FOO can care for her.  If her doctor is concerned, the doctor can call APS and you and your mom can do the same dance I did with the social workers - NO, I will NO care for her.  It is IMPOSSIBLE. 

BTW - no matter what you say, they're going to write down "unwilling" - just to mess with your head.  DO NOT FALL FOR IT!   

I laughed and said, "Write down any damned word you want - the answer is still NO!" 

No matter what your grandma does or says, you and your mom do NOT owe her your servitude.  If she needs help, she can pay - if she can't function without help, the rehab will have to take her back and keep her quarantined until they're ready to declare her virus-free and fit for AL.

If you and your mom need to minimize  contact or block contact with your grandma, that's fine - but I'd keep the channels open  with doctors, social workers and other professionals, stressing always that NO, you can't do a thing for her, she needs more help than either of you can provide, and  there has GOT to be something they can do.

Words that have helped me in weird situations are, "I can't be the only person in this city who has had this problem."

And I'm often right.

Your grandmother will not fall through the cracks.  The social safety net still works - it's just a bit more cautious these days - and if it's determined your grandma really does need to be  in AL, they WILL find a  way.

And that's when your mom might want to consider hiring an eldercare attorney, who will be able to plan your grandma's estate so the nursing home won't just drain all her assets.

I'll write more about if you get to that point - it's a little involved, but WELL worth it! 

But for now, I'll wish you luck - and may the word, "No" come from your lips as often as necessary.   

[OddFamily]

So got dragged to the first family dinner after she left rehab.  Mom didn't take the hint when I played the covid card. 
Mom says she wants her life back and not have to deal with my grandmother 4-5 hours a day and her needs, but she can't seem to drop the rope and let home health handle it.  They were put in place for that reason Mom, to give you your life back.  It's like she's got one foot Out of the FOG but not the other, whereas I have both feet out of it.  It's not an easy position and I am trying to be patient with her. 
Grandma's thinking she only has to put up with home health for a few more weeks.  So we have a few more weeks before she tries to get rid of them, but I think the contract was structured in such a way that that could only happen if both grandma and mom agreed to it.  Mom's got a clearer assessment of grandma's needs than she does, but grandma only listens to Dr Herself.  This will be interesting.  Now that our state has a stay at home order in effect I hope I can get out of seeing her, but Mom's going to probably insist or be an inadvertent flying monkey.  I'm not going to use my essential personnel status for that.  No way.