Brutally sad

[Spirit in the sky]

Things are getting clear by the day with the situation with my parents. And it's sad, brutally sad and takes the layers of dysfunctional behaviour to a new level.

My father is out of hospital and not actually dying yet as he would have had us all believe since Christmas. His ego certainly insisted dying, it vile and aggressive and it's difficult to watch clinging on to anyone he think he can drain the life out of, it's like a horror film.

I finally have the measure of my mother, so damaged from her own abusive childhood she's so co-dependant she willing to hang on in their in the hope of some kindness or gratitude. She'll have a long wait.

It's painful to watch her fawning over a man who always choose alcohol over his family. Who narcissistic behaviour controlled and manipulated both of us for years and it was so convert we were totally unaware. It's almost macabre to watch because he's bed ridden and finally she has his undivided attention. She's so emotionally damaged that even his verbal abuse is a comfort to her, she just smiles and accepts it as if it were words of kindness.

I've barely had any connect with him since he came home, I made the decision not to be part of the welcoming committee and he wasn't pleased. He keeps asking my mum where I am and she just tells him we are in lock down, I drop the shopping off but don't go in. He's got plenty of other people fusing over him, carers, nurses and my mum.

I know he's furious and I heard him asking 'where is she?' when I phoned to ask how my mum was doing. Strange how this virus is forcing me into no contact with him.

[WomanInterrupted]

It's amazing when you watch the train wreck from afar, isn't it?

You know you can't be hurt, but you can't help but  cringe as you see the sheer  magnitude of what's happening in the distance, and how much destruction and damage there  is.

Your dad is like unBPD Didi - determined to get his last few pounds of flesh, while he can, and he's still trying to figure out just how to stick it to you and everybody, one last time - or many last times, if he can manage. 

If they can't hurt you in person, they try to leave you a mess to sort out  - stuff, accounts, bills, people - it's all the same, as long as there's some sort of very unpleasant GOTCHA!   

Then there's your mom, acting like a fawning puppy, hoping for just ONE bit of attention - even if it's negative attention, it's still attention.

UnNPD Ray was the same way.  He *wanted* Didi to have Hospice care in their hoarded-up home, so HE could do all the work, but Didi went into a facility instead - partially because Ray wasn't the one she wanted to punish (I was)  AND Ray was 85 and Didi had been noticing a lot of mental and physical deficits.

Ray was like a puppy and Didi was afraid he was going to kill her with kindness - the wrong meds, accidentally drowning her in the bath, dropping her on her back or hip, or accidentally poisoning her, etc - and Ray, like a big, dopey dog that had been dropped on his head one too many times as a puppy! - would only sit and wag his tail and say something like, "I had a little friend, but she don't move no more..."   

I managed to escape Didi's malevolence - but like your dad, she was always surprised I wasn't coming or answering my phone.  In her mind, there was NO reason and NO excuse - I HAD to be there for her venom, and HAD to just keep taking it, because somehow I deserved it. 

I wasn't the perfect daughter.   I was just some factory reject they were forced to adopt, I never lived up to ALL the unreasonable expectations and the ones I did live up to weren't done RIGHT, so I was a complete and utter failure as a human being. 

Whatever horrible things she had to say to me she took with her - but I've heard them all before.   

Like you, I really didn't need another live performance.  It would have only undermined the work I was doing on getting that Inner Critic to sit down and shut her pie hole!   

Something your dad is going to leave you - that probably has him cackling with glee - is the same thing Didi left me:  unNPD Ray.   

Your dad is leaving you your enabling mom - his sparring partner, enemy combatant in a love/hate relationship, his critic, his fawning sycophant, his lap dog, his attack dog, his biggest rival, advocate AND victim.

Ray was the same thing, and after Didi died, he was completely lost and looking for me to fill Didi's shoes.     

I want to warn you about that because that was one of the worst parts - Ray thought I should just pick up where Didi left off and "clean" the house, make the bed, do the laundry, "prepare" the meals, take care of his medical problems (NO!!!!!   ), set out his meds, make all his appointments, AND be available for an argument about nothing, any day, anytime, anywhere!   

Whatever your parents' dynamic is, your mom is going to expect you to take up your dad's role - if he routinely insults or belittles her, she is NOT going to like that she can't force you to do it, so she can be the VICTIM!

Yeah!  How messed up is THAT!?   

She finally gets away from him, but she wants more of the same!   

Ray wanted me to argue with him and would say things meant to make me blow my stack - all he'd get back was Medium Chill and it freaking drove him nuts.   

He didn't know that I knew what he was doing, wasn't going to fall for it and was in the middle of making myself as hard to get hold of as humanly possible.     

When Didi died, it was like Ray lost ALL focus in his life - that verbal sparring partner had been at his beck and call every day for over 60 years.   His dance partner was gone and I wasn't going to try to fill her shoes.

Instead, I had as little  to do with him as I could because I could see the lost puppy was *trying* to become dependent on me.   Once he did that, he probably figured he could force arguments any time he wanted.   

It's really sad to watch another human completely unspool from a lack of dysfunctional behavior, but that's what happened to Ray - and I really expect no different  from your mom. 

I used the answering machine to force distance and a lack of contact - you have a barrier in the form of Covid  19, and I'd use that to the fullest.  You could be a carrier and you don't want them getting sick.   

That's all either of them need to know -  even long after the immediate problems are over.  You're still not sure, you were never tested and you're not sure that cough is a problem or allergies - but you're not going to take a chance.   

You can use it as long as you want, or however long you need - to miss your dad's decline and increasing levels of anger and abuse, to miss repeated hospitalizations or a move to Hospice, to miss the wake, funeral and burial - and to miss going through your dad's things and helping your mom sort out the Brave New World.

IME, you want to be Persona Non Grata for that - let her figure it out *without you.* 

I know it seems cruel, but the kindest thing you can do is stay away and not get her hopes up.  If she starts complaining that she's lonely old and bored, I'd let her go to voicemail more often than not.

Just because she's a widow, doesn't mean she becomes your problem and you don't OWE her your undivided attention, even when she starts showing off and  starts acting like a child, either hoping for your approval - or anger.

It's not a position you want to be in, now or ever.

[bloomie]

Spirit in the sky - it is very sad when the puzzle pieces begin to click into place and we see long established patterns of dysfunction and such unhealthy ways of relating and living between our parents. Grieve and process these very important realizations and know that keeping your distance from elderly infirm people right now is responsible and loving to you and to them.

Should you decide some sort of limited contact going forward that would be okay too.

[Spirit in the sky]

Thanks Bloomie

My father finally agreed to go into a nursing home today.
Of course he had to make a big scene and call my mother for everything, even though the final decision was his. I didn't go to see him.

Spirit in the sky - it is very sad when the puzzle pieces begin to click into place and we see long established patterns of dysfunction and such unhealthy ways of relating and living between our parents. Grieve and process these very important realizations and know that keeping your distance from elderly infirm people right now is responsible and loving to you and to them.

Should you decide some sort of limited contact going forward that would be okay too.

[Spirit in the sky]

Thanks WI,

My father agreed reluctantly to go into a home after a massive tantrum.
There's no visiting because of the virus.

My mum is self isolating now alone.

It's amazing when you watch the train wreck from afar, isn't it?

You know you can't be hurt, but you can't help but  cringe as you see the sheer  magnitude of what's happening in the distance, and how much destruction and damage there  is.

Your dad is like unBPD Didi - determined to get his last few pounds of flesh, while he can, and he's still trying to figure out just how to stick it to you and everybody, one last time - or many last times, if he can manage. 

If they can't hurt you in person, they try to leave you a mess to sort out  - stuff, accounts, bills, people - it's all the same, as long as there's some sort of very unpleasant GOTCHA!   

Then there's your mom, acting like a fawning puppy, hoping for just ONE bit of attention - even if it's negative attention, it's still attention.

UnNPD Ray was the same way.  He *wanted* Didi to have Hospice care in their hoarded-up home, so HE could do all the work, but Didi went into a facility instead - partially because Ray wasn't the one she wanted to punish (I was)  AND Ray was 85 and Didi had been noticing a lot of mental and physical deficits.

Ray was like a puppy and Didi was afraid he was going to kill her with kindness - the wrong meds, accidentally drowning her in the bath, dropping her on her back or hip, or accidentally poisoning her, etc - and Ray, like a big, dopey dog that had been dropped on his head one too many times as a puppy! - would only sit and wag his tail and say something like, "I had a little friend, but she don't move no more..."   

I managed to escape Didi's malevolence - but like your dad, she was always surprised I wasn't coming or answering my phone.  In her mind, there was NO reason and NO excuse - I HAD to be there for her venom, and HAD to just keep taking it, because somehow I deserved it. 

I wasn't the perfect daughter.   I was just some factory reject they were forced to adopt, I never lived up to ALL the unreasonable expectations and the ones I did live up to weren't done RIGHT, so I was a complete and utter failure as a human being. 

Whatever horrible things she had to say to me she took with her - but I've heard them all before.   

Like you, I really didn't need another live performance.  It would have only undermined the work I was doing on getting that Inner Critic to sit down and shut her pie hole!   

Something your dad is going to leave you - that probably has him cackling with glee - is the same thing Didi left me:  unNPD Ray.   

Your dad is leaving you your enabling mom - his sparring partner, enemy combatant in a love/hate relationship, his critic, his fawning sycophant, his lap dog, his attack dog, his biggest rival, advocate AND victim.

Ray was the same thing, and after Didi died, he was completely lost and looking for me to fill Didi's shoes.     

I want to warn you about that because that was one of the worst parts - Ray thought I should just pick up where Didi left off and "clean" the house, make the bed, do the laundry, "prepare" the meals, take care of his medical problems (NO!!!!!   ), set out his meds, make all his appointments, AND be available for an argument about nothing, any day, anytime, anywhere!   

Whatever your parents' dynamic is, your mom is going to expect you to take up your dad's role - if he routinely insults or belittles her, she is NOT going to like that she can't force you to do it, so she can be the VICTIM!

Yeah!  How messed up is THAT!?   

She finally gets away from him, but she wants more of the same!   

Ray wanted me to argue with him and would say things meant to make me blow my stack - all he'd get back was Medium Chill and it freaking drove him nuts.   

He didn't know that I knew what he was doing, wasn't going to fall for it and was in the middle of making myself as hard to get hold of as humanly possible.     

When Didi died, it was like Ray lost ALL focus in his life - that verbal sparring partner had been at his beck and call every day for over 60 years.   His dance partner was gone and I wasn't going to try to fill her shoes.

Instead, I had as little  to do with him as I could because I could see the lost puppy was *trying* to become dependent on me.   Once he did that, he probably figured he could force arguments any time he wanted.   

It's really sad to watch another human completely unspool from a lack of dysfunctional behavior, but that's what happened to Ray - and I really expect no different  from your mom. 

I used the answering machine to force distance and a lack of contact - you have a barrier in the form of Covid  19, and I'd use that to the fullest.  You could be a carrier and you don't want them getting sick.   

That's all either of them need to know -  even long after the immediate problems are over.  You're still not sure, you were never tested and you're not sure that cough is a problem or allergies - but you're not going to take a chance.   

You can use it as long as you want, or however long you need - to miss your dad's decline and increasing levels of anger and abuse, to miss repeated hospitalizations or a move to Hospice, to miss the wake, funeral and burial - and to miss going through your dad's things and helping your mom sort out the Brave New World.

IME, you want to be Persona Non Grata for that - let her figure it out *without you.* 

I know it seems cruel, but the kindest thing you can do is stay away and not get her hopes up.  If she starts complaining that she's lonely old and bored, I'd let her go to voicemail more often than not.

Just because she's a widow, doesn't mean she becomes your problem and you don't OWE her your undivided attention, even when she starts showing off and  starts acting like a child, either hoping for your approval - or anger.

It's not a position you want to be in, now or ever.