OMG! He's got to be kidding!!!

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D.Dan

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OMG! He's got to be kidding!!!
« on: March 25, 2020, 02:00:36 AM »
Sadly a few days ago my PO expired. My uPDex stayed away from us and didn't violate it as far as I know (he did try to change the interim order to allow him to live with his parents nearby but I caught it and got it altered)

He sent me an email today.... Ho boy...  It's insane, the gist of it is

- he wants us back
- we're only allowed to live in the marital home if he lives with us
- he refuses to talk to CPS (he abused severely abused our kids and sexually exploited a minor online, which makes him high risk of pedophilia) (No! Absolutely NOT!)
- he still loves me even though I tried to kill him (WHAT!?!?!)
- he doesn't want me if I'm going to keep using the BS excuse that I don't trust him
- says I gotta work on my own mess instead of going around trying to spread lies and twisted truths (...uuhhh, he confessed to everything... even in front of our judge..)
- is claiming to have removed me from our life insurance for his own safety (he actually made his ill dad "OUR", as in both of us, our beneficiary... not any of our autistic kids, funny that  :wacko:)
- he's the reason me and the kids are in the house right now, I should be thanking him
- how dare I go against his dad! (his parents want our marital home and are trying to illegally remove my rights to it)
- either I take him back or get ready to leave  :roll:
- he loves our kids and the only reason they succeeded in anything was because of him, his dad and all their efforts (..well, it fits into his accusations that I did nothing all day while he hid in our bedroom playing video games and masturbating with a young girl because he never SAW ME do anything...)
- he'll be coming back with a different mindset and expects me to have moved past the not trusting him crap and ...TRUST HIM!
- that my lack of trust is because of my own failings and not because of anything he did.  :doh:
- that I'm insane to challenge his parents
- I'm to prove to him that I love him and then he'll show me that he can do the same, in his own way. (he told me that I was abusive for expecting him to love and treat me the way I deserve, this was the best he could do and should have just excepted it)
- he'll try to do things better so I can't justify not trusting him
- he's claiming this will be his only email because he doesn't want another PO against him (he seems to think I got a PO because of his last insane email, it was merely served on him hours after he sent it but I hadn't read it for a week because the homeless shelter didn't have wifi)
- he wants his family back because all his financials and energies were put into it
- he'll only work on things if I want reconciliation, that we have a lot of time if I take him back (huh?)
- me and the kids don't have a future in the marital home without him
- what I've done was very wrong!
- he misses me, wants no one else, he just wants me to heal myself and not hate him but love him.

Seriously, his email is freaking me out. It's just as crazy as his last one! Except this time he's outright saying I tried to kill him! He's the one that carries a knife 24/7 and talking about suicide!

I'm thinking of contacting my lawyer and sending a copy of the email tomorrow. I have security cameras up and CPS is in my corner. This feels threatening to me!

His email mostly says he wants us back, that I'm lieing and he's just protecting himself from my ill will towards him! I feel very threatened right now! He's not even asking for visitation with the kids just straight up telling me he wants back in the house with us!

I'm scared.

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Liftedfog

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Re: OMG! He's got to be kidding!!!
« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2020, 08:23:34 AM »
I'm sorry for what you are going through. I was in a similar mess dealing with an unhinged and mentally I'll spouse. Except in my case I opted to sell the family home because I could not trust that he would obey the PO.  I didn't want the kids to live a life where dad is banging on the door and police are called every day. I wish I could have stayed in our home because now with the housing crisis I can't get a roof over my head. Its horrible.  I would definitely show the email to your lawyer and cps. I'm assuming he has supervised access through cps? He sounds unhinged and unstable.  Please be safe.  You might even want to share with police. 

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notrightinthehead

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Re: OMG! He's got to be kidding!!!
« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2020, 09:00:26 AM »
I would be scared too! He sounds very unbalanced. Anything you can think of to protect yourself and your kids will be just right!  Sending you a big hug!

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GettingOOTF

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Re: OMG! He's got to be kidding!!!
« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2020, 09:29:31 AM »
I agree that itís threatening.

The most dangerous time for a woman is when leaving or having recently left a relationship with a man.

My ex really ramped up once he realized that I was serious and his old methods to control me were no longe working. At the time I was too deep in it but I look back and Iím surprised he didnít kill me and then himself.

Your ex sounds unhinged and desperate.

You absolutely cannot be too careful in these situations. I would look at getting the PO extended and Iíd def contact my attorney. Do it today. I donít know where you are but things everywhere are getting locked down more. Do it now while people are still working. Iíd also contact CPS. They may have more swag in extending the PO.

Good luck.

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rubixcube

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Re: OMG! He's got to be kidding!!!
« Reply #4 on: March 25, 2020, 10:51:27 AM »
Good grief! I'm so sorry!
It is extremely dysfunctional. I agree with notrightinthehead, protect yourself. Keep that email, for sure.

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hhaw

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Re: OMG! He's got to be kidding!!!
« Reply #5 on: March 25, 2020, 01:52:30 PM »
He sounds like an insane stalker I once dealt with. 

Yes, he's unhinged.  YEs, he's desperate.

You should think about what you'll do if he comes to the house.  How will you handle it?  Who will you call?  What are your options for dealing with him if he tries to harm you or the kiddos?

Having many avenues of retreat, with multiple locked doors is a good thing, particularly if you need to protect yourself with force.  Having done your best to keep the peace and protect yourself and kids will make what comes next easier, IME.

Remember.... when responding to the police you must make statements accordingly...
FIRST HE....
THEN I.....

It's not OK for your stbx to stalk, assault or kill you. 

Report every single incident to the police when the PD threatens you or violates an order.

Good luck,



hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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SeaGlass

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Re: OMG! He's got to be kidding!!!
« Reply #6 on: March 25, 2020, 03:16:53 PM »
I agree, this is very threatening and scary. Please protect yourself and your children. Get the PO back in place, and contact your lawyer. Stay safe.

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D.Dan

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Re: OMG! He's got to be kidding!!!
« Reply #7 on: March 26, 2020, 09:47:28 AM »
Thanks everyone.

I'm pretty much implementing all my safety plans from when I first got the PO and was warned that its only a piece of paper that helps with law enforcement and court but doesn't actually stop any physical altercation. I'm still waiting on my lawyer because the court system here changed in 2019 and I think we need my divorce judge to grant another PO. Sadly, there are no extensions here, you have to apply again and need recent evidence to get it. I'm hoping his email will be enough. Because seriously!? A couple of days after the PO times out and this is the first thing he does! Threatens ME!!!

I'm also surprised people were picking up on the killing me part. My uPDex and his dad have this weird thing where they say things out of the blue (things that never even occurred to me like illegally locking someone out of the house while they're gone for a couple of hours), they accuse my of thinking of doing the bad thing then straight up are doing the bad thing themselves. So the plotting to kill him was alarming me that he may in fact be plotting to kill me instead.

I am not responding to his email because I could just see him escalating further if I don't give him the response he wants and he wants to get back in the marital home with us and that I reconcile with him. And his continuing demand that I trust him just because he said so!

I've been also sending copies of his email out to my support network, to cover my butt. I plan to contact CPS and the DV group that helped me last time with my PO, today.

I have security cameras up, I can have groceries delivered, the plan is to not answer the door (I have secure metal entry doors) if he comes knocking and immediately calling emergency services cause he always has a knife on him, no cracking the door open to talk, no waiting to give him a chance to leave, just a note saying saying "I'm calling ________ leave right now" while dialling.

I had quite a few dreams when my PO was in place, training me not to hesitate in calling the police.

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SeaGlass

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Re: OMG! He's got to be kidding!!!
« Reply #8 on: March 27, 2020, 02:11:00 AM »
Sounds like you have everything covered. I am so sorry this happening to you, but you are being very smart and proactive. Thinking of you.

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hhaw

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Re: OMG! He's got to be kidding!!!
« Reply #9 on: March 27, 2020, 05:18:19 PM »
Trust your instincts, D.Dan.

Don't feel bad about doing it either.

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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D.Dan

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Re: OMG! He's got to be kidding!!!
« Reply #10 on: April 01, 2020, 09:25:45 PM »
Okay, so the email is not enough for another PO yet. But I did contact the police to start a paper trail. I'm currently waiting for an officer to come and get my statement.

Nice thing is, the police confirmed my safety plan. I was a little concerned that because my PO is expired, that my uPDstbex could technically enter the marital home now and I would have no right to call the police for protection. But they said to call the emergency line if he shows up, and to call them if he contacts me in any way so they can update my file.

I wonder if they have a note about the knives/swords (illegally sharpened) they confiscated from my ex when he got originally served with my PO 3 years ago. I know the police got them.

I also called a DV line, and they also recommended I start a file with the police, stick to my safety plan, that the police file can make it a lot easier to get another PO, they'll have a reason to check on him (since I have no idea where he's living), and to keep a copy of his emails on me so that I have the evidence I need for protection available immediately. They also confirmed that not responding to his email was the right decision since it might upset him further than he already is. I feel a lot better and safer now. I know not to let my guard down and to be vigilant, but it's nice knowing that I'll have more protection should I need it.

I realized what it was about this email that alarmed me (besides the threats), and that was... this is his version of a nice and loving email giving me another chance with him.... and it frightened me.

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hhaw

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Re: OMG! He's got to be kidding!!!
« Reply #11 on: April 01, 2020, 10:48:56 PM »
Trust your instincts.  They'll feel true and solid.

Filing police reports is the correct way to document for any number of reasons.

I'm glad you feel more secure.

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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GettingOOTF

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Re: OMG! He's got to be kidding!!!
« Reply #12 on: April 01, 2020, 11:16:44 PM »
Iím glad you took all these steps. They will all help you with whatever you decide to do going forward.

Itís so hard to explain to others and ourselves what is ďoffĒ about abusers but we always know something is.

Hang in there.

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D.Dan

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Re: OMG! He's got to be kidding!!!
« Reply #13 on: April 01, 2020, 11:54:53 PM »
Just finished with the police. They asked me to email a copy of my uPDstbex's email. After I read it.

There were a lot of incredulous sounds from them. They mentioned the fact that he contacted me a few days after my PO expired, almost immediately, which according to them is not a good sign. They asked what the deal was with his dad. They said it didn't sound like this will be the end with him. They put in the report that I'm separated for 3 years from him and going through a divorce. They asked if I wanted them to talk to him or just report it, I opted for just the report because my ex and his dad are known for retaliation, and I can totally see them retaliating.

Then they thanked me because my kids have the sniffles and I truthfully didn't want them in the home because my kids have a somewhat weaker immune system. They going to put a note in the report for everyone's safety that he is always armed with a weapon.

I feel so much better.

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hhaw

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Re: OMG! He's got to be kidding!!!
« Reply #14 on: April 02, 2020, 07:52:14 PM »
Well done, D.

Do you have pepper spray or some way to defend yourself against your stbx IF he comes around with a weapon and threatens you?

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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D.Dan

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Re: OMG! He's got to be kidding!!!
« Reply #15 on: April 02, 2020, 09:54:39 PM »
I need a license here for pepper spray (which seriously sucks) but I did take a women's safety class, I have these mesh safety sleeves (Non cutting, like those mesh safety cutting gloves because I have a tendency to immediately block physical attacks with my forearms to maintain a physical distance and he always has a knife) that I wear under my coat and shirt sleeves. I have also taken a few non violent crisis intervention courses (part of my training for a somewhat high risk job I had before my 2nd child was born) which included practising several techniques to avoid anyone getting harmed while in a violent situation, that I wouldn't be legally allowed to leave  from due to the nature of the job. I was also given some self defence tips from my kickboxing teacher from university.
I've been keeping up with my jogging exercises indoors so I can easily and comfortably run a 1/2 hour straight to safety if needed and combined with the escape moves from the safety course mean greater chance of survival.
I always check my surroundings just in case. My vehicle has an alarm button on the keys that I always have my finger on if I'm outside for some reason, throwing out garbage for instance (I'm usually near my vehicle for a quick escape). I also always have my cell charged and on me.

Most of the information I've been taught is safety awareness first, if it feels unsafe don't go there. If I see him RUN! Scream! Don't give him a chance to get within grabbing distance. If he does grab me, do whatever I can to release his hold, hit as hard as possible in those particular spots as many times as it takes for him to release me, then RUN! Scream! get to safety. Don't go back to check on his wellbeing.

There was a lot of emphasis on not talking, listening, giving him a chance to explain his side of the story or anything like that because that will potentially allow him to get within grabbing distance and get me killed.

 It'll be me or him and I choose me!

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hhaw

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Re: OMG! He's got to be kidding!!!
« Reply #16 on: April 04, 2020, 12:57:39 PM »
I'd get the license and take a class, when you can, on how to carry, deploy and use the spray.

Maybe just get the spray and the class..... think about the license later.

It's a shame you have to live in fear for your life while the PD is free to terrorise you at will.  It's a chink in a very flawed system, IME.

Remember, no one can defend against an eye strike.  If you can stay conscious... you can get to his eyes. 

Avoiding trouble would be optimum, but sometimes we don't have that choice.

In offensive tactical defense classes we learned that combat is a conversation.  Typically it has a cadence... punch, dodge or get hit, then response strike.  Thinking of it as action between the beats helps you with timing and creating opportunity.  Being in close, very close, means the PD can't throw a powerful punch, you can get to his eyes, throat.
Bbreak the bones in the tops of his feet with a foot stomp, grab painful handfuls of flesh squeezing skin under between fingernails and palms HARD.....to break his concentration. Bite with your canines...never your front teeth... they'll get yanked out.... headbutt with the place you'd wear a yamika  Kknees, short elbows, finger jabs..... the rule is hard to soft, soft to hard meaning you'd hit him open palmed to the skull/face area.... closed fisted to soft areas like solar plexis.. no one can take a hit there... not the strongest of men.  I think open palmed slaps, with the palm hallowed out, is a very practical strike that won't break your hand or fingers... stepping into it as you throw... overhand to face and roundhouse to the ear, you can break an eardrum. 

Target selection.  Element of surprise.  He likely  won't expect you to explode with power and intention to do trauma particularly if you have your hands up in a defensive posture.... but also close to his eyes. 

I don't know what to tell you if you have to defend yourself and leave the PD injured and raging.  I supposed the entire dance begins again, but you're in more danger. 

Have you considered purchasing an edged weapon or firearm and training with them?

Whatever you do, it's good to train every aspect of using that tool, IME.

Good luck,
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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Free2Bme

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Re: OMG! He's got to be kidding!!!
« Reply #17 on: April 04, 2020, 02:38:51 PM »
DDan-

Of the many things that are alarming on your list, these things stand out to me as particularly threatening-

"is claiming to have removed me from our life insurance for his own safety (he actually made his ill dad "OUR", as in both of us, our beneficiary.."   -why the hell is he talkling about life insurance?

" me and the kids don't have a future in the marital home without him"          -this sounds like a thinly veiled threat.

" he'll only work on things if I want reconciliation, that we have a lot of time if I take him back (huh?)"           -a reference to 'time', sounds cryptic to me.

 They sell door security devices online, some are not expensive, they prevent doors from being kicked in. I would also get something to use as a dowel in your windows, it could be as simple as part of a broom handle.   These would be another line of defense and maybe a little piece of mind.  Can you purchase a gun?  I realize that might be tricky with the shelter-in-place order and closures.  Maybe one of those loud siren things for your keyring, you could carry it when you step our of your home to take out trash.  I'm not sure the ages of your children, but maybe you could talk to them carefully about "if there were an emergency, this is what you do", you don't have to necessarily mention their dad.  Instruct them how all of you would exit your home if there were an 'intruder". It's kinda like having a fire escape plan.   Is there anyone that could stay with you and kids? Can you get a dog that will bark/alert you?

Carry your phone and keep it charged.  If he shows up, call 911 immediately.  Be safe.