New To The Group And This Disorder

[Allkindsofconfused]

Hi there. I'm new to the group. I apologize in advance if I'm a little long winded.

I am in a 3 year relationship with a man who has bipolar disorder and this is my first experience with this.  I am All Kinds Of Confused. I am turning into someone I don't know anymore. I would say I'm a pretty tough person. I can take a lot. My father passed away, 2 days later my husband (now my ex) was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer and my mother with the same 2 months later. While in the hospital she fell and broke her hip. With my father passed, I moved her 700 miles away to live with me. So I'm nursing back to health 2 cancer patients, sending a daughter to college. Another that starts high school. Keeping a house, working 2 jobs to keep us afloat. But I did it. And everyone was healthy again. But things changed. We all changed and we ended up divorcing. This particular cancer my ex had was in the neck and I think the chemo and radiation may have altered his brain chemistry. He was never quite the same. This cheerful, loving person wasn't there anymore. He had anyways been a drinker, but it only got more intense after recovery. We divorced.

Enter my current relationship. Beautiful person inside and out.  In the beginning of the relationship, everything was going well. Not too many incidents but it's been terrible for the last 8 months and I am at my wits end. This is turning me into someone I don't recognize. I don't feel like the strong person I used to be. I feel worn down , tired and fed up with this.

He blames all that is wrong in his life on either his family or the disorder. And me, of course. Nothing is ever his fault. Sorry, but what/who is the common denominator here?    And to get an apology..... let's just say that I wouldn't hold my breath. If alcohol gets in the mix, there's a guaranteed fight coming. No matter what I say, I know it will not be the right thing. Do I say what I think he wants to hear or am I honest?  I've been being honest and I always regret it.  The way I see
It is that he's not a child. This is life as an adult. I shouldn't have to sugar coat anything.  Otherwise you just keep enabling the behavior. Please correct if I'm wrong. Please. That is what I'm looking for.

He is currently mad at me again. Friday I did t say what he wanted to hear. So like a 4 year old, he picked up his plate to eat alone. We had gone to the family's mountain home to get away from the Covid madness and he ruined it because of his behavior. He tries to call my bluff and said that if I was going to be "like that ", he wanted to go home. He does this a lot and I usually give in.  But not this time. I told him I'd be ready to leave in 30 minutes. And by God I was on the road in 30 minutes. He was scrambling to pack up. His bluff was called. 5 days later, no apology. Nor do I expect one anytime soon.

He has not worked a consistent job in 5 years. I still work 2 jobs. I pay for everything. I mean EVERYTHING!  Oh I get thank you's. But I don't feel appreciated. I don't feel that there is any understanding by him in what I'm going through.

I love this man but at what point is love just not enough?

[bloomie]

Hi there and welcome to Out of the FOG. You have been through a lot of struggle and loss in the past few years. I would imagine facing these difficulties in a new relationship have to be confusing and disappointing. I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

Just to make sure that this forum is the right and best place for you I should point out that Out of the FOG is a web site for those who are dealing with someone in their lives who has a personality disorder. I would encourage you to read through the "Disorders" section at the top of the page to see what a personality disorder is - see http://www.outofthefog.net/PD.html.

Often mental illness such as Bipolar Disease and Personality Disorders (PD) will be comorbid or overlap. We do not focus on diagnosing here rather we focus on a loved one's behaviors that are causing distress and difficulty in the relationship. The good news may be that there is hope with Bipolar disease with appropriate medical and psychological interventions and with most PD the personality and coping is fairly set and our best hope is boundaries and strategies to deal with the behaviors that may not ever change. 

The toolbox and PD drop-down menus above have been helpful to me in finding strategies to handle disruptive and unsettling behaviors with an unstable loved one.  The conversations taking place on the forum boards have also been validating and clarifying and helped me to understand how best to go forward in my situation.

The things I have needed to heal and grow and find a firm path forward have been a therapist, a great deal of reading and learning and internal work, this support group, and a very small circle of trusted friends and mentors.

No one here can tell you what is best and right for you in this relationship. But, we can support you and we can point you toward resources. One of the first things I learned when I arrived here is the 3 C's mantra that says: "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't change it." The only thing we can control and change is ourselves.

Starting with Boundary work and beginning with the question: "What is mine to do?" could be an empowering new beginning for you.

Some resources around boundaries:

A great thread on Boundaries:
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=24.0

An article around Boundaries:
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries

Podcast: https://beyondbitchy.com
I found starting from episode 1 and working forward to be foundational

Sending you strength and wisdom as you consider your options and find your way to peace and healing.

[ICantThinkOfAName]

That sounds tough.  I too have someone who is bipolar but he treats with medication.  At this point though it's really hard to say, that the medication does much if he truly is bipolar and not just PD.  I have come to believe that he is OCPD as well as bipolar.  I do not ever give him my honest opinion if I think he won't like it.  It sets him off in a nasty rage that literally has me apologizing for bringing it up.  So at this point I practice Medium Chill and do not give any emotional response whatsoever.  No more rages.  No more opinions.  Just the straight up facts.  Dinner is ready.  Yes it will be chicken.  Why didn't I cook it the way you said?  I was following a different recipe.  Yes it is burnt.

I'm sorry for your loss of your dad.  I'm glad that your mother pulled through.  It's tough to have so many things at once!

I applaud you for being honest, I would find that to be exhausting to have to constantly deal with petulant behavior.  Welcome to the forum.  I have found a lot of help here and a lot of really understanding folks who have gone through similar things.

[sarandro]

I too am living with a man/child.

Over the years I have realised that he can't/won't change, so I am having to.

Disorder or not...the rules for a loving relationship are simple...be kind, help each other etc.

I get no kindness...no help..therefore to me...no love lives here for me.

So I love myself...do Medium Chill...don't engage with his bad behaviour

It's very lonely being in such a marriage, but I have come to love the quiet when he's not around.

This forum has helped me so very much and I feel sure you will find love and kindness here XX

[tragedy or hope]

Welcome Allkindsofconfused,

So sorry for your pain. Especially now when we all have to be so close all the time. The one thing that seems to be the hardest is self-care. Struggling with a personality disorder wears most of us out pretty quick.

It took me a long time to realize, he was taking care of himself, and I was taking care of him too, not me. Especially in the feelings department. There was/is always something that seemingly must be focused on around him.

I realized I am an adult, so is he. Unhappy? Have at it. But don't try to make me unhappy too.  I have even said, "go ahead and be unhappy as long as you need to; but don't expect me to join you, I don't feel that way today. Sorry for your pain." Then I try to do what I think is best for me. It is hard when all you want is normal. I am still facing and grieving the fact that normal is not really a part of this relationship.

Keep digging deeper here. You might find real help and some coping skills if you choose.

Again, welcome. You are not alone anymore.

[AD]

Allkindsofconfused,

I'm sorry, this sounds beyond frustrating. From what you've written, this relationship sounds very unsatisfying. There's no magic solution to get him to change his ways - this is who he is, this is how he chooses to behave, and I don't get the sense from your message that he's working on himself, seeking therapy, etc.

I guess the question then is, do you want to be in this relationship? If you knew that things would still be this way, 1 year, 3 years, 5 years from now - what would you do?