Quarantined...So No Way Really of Setting Boundaries

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Mikeb44

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Quarantined...So No Way Really of Setting Boundaries
« on: March 25, 2020, 03:26:37 PM »
Hello,

I messed up. I am not sure what came over me but I think the consistent nagging and correcting over things I try to help with around the house that I dont typically do because I am at work is starting to get to me. I lied about something really dumb and small in the moment and regretted it immediately.

So I feel bad already for doing that however now the conversations have turned into my wPD with some OCD yelling at me of how I am a terrible person for doing this to her and how I cant be trusted. She even went so low as to attack why my job search I have been just researching since I have a job is going so poorly. To pile on, she said I am a terrible dad to my son.

So I need help. I know I have to take the blows for my actions which I prepared to do however there is a limit and I am in the middle of it so I am unsure what that limit is. What can I do since I cannot really leave and I dont want my son around her without at least being in ear shot because she doesnt know how to turn this off.

Any suggestions or help would be appreciated.

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ICantThinkOfAName

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Re: Quarantined...So No Way Really of Setting Boundaries
« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2020, 04:43:44 PM »
I'm so sorry Mike.  Everyone makes mistakes, you should not have to "pay" for that with character attacks in front of your son.  My advice would be to say to her in the middle of her rant, I am going to our room and you can join me if you feel like speaking in a calm manner. 

Ugh... and I get lying to keep the peace, if that is what you did, I'm just reading into the situation.  What I don't think they realize is that by being overly critical and easy to blow up makes us not want to trigger them at any cost, even lying to keep the peace.  I have kept a lot of things from my uOCPDh out of fear of him blowing up.  Small things like throwing away uneaten food!  I'll throw it away at a local business instead.  I have told mine as much and he gets defensive and says, "oh so now I can't have an opinion about anything!" 

I'm struggling too.  He's much more amped up now with all this and I'm way to available for his critical antics.  He recently got mad because we didn't save enough space on the street for him to put out the garbage so he put it directly behind my car.  I actually laughed and said, awesome, I'm not going anywhere anyway!  Good decision. 

Unless you are actually abusing your son, which I'm going to guess you are not.  You are not a terrible dad to your son.  This is just a manipulation designed to hit right at your core.  For me, this is the one thing I take a lot of pride in and feel the most vulnerable with.  He knows this.  He knows that if he can make me think I'm doing a bad job as a parent, I will immediately feel bad about myself and try to fix it.  Even though fixing it, may not be the right thing to do.  Fixing it, may be actually the wrong thing to do.  He has never been a parent, therefore, absolutely not qualified to give advice, yet there I am thinking, oh he must be right because he says it with so much authority. 

I don't think you have to take the blows for your actions.  If you have apologized that should be it.  I know others here have much better advice, I just wanted to respond and let you know that you are not alone.

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Mikeb44

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Re: Quarantined...So No Way Really of Setting Boundaries
« Reply #2 on: March 26, 2020, 02:57:08 PM »
Thank you for helping me not feel alone. That was what I needed.

An update that made things so much worse which I am trying ot get over is last night she said and I quote "the only reason I am with you is the investments (money, mortgage, etc.), if it weren't for those I would be gone"

I am reeling and almost just called a divorce attorney. I held back but I am not even sure how to process this now. any ideas?

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FreeSophia

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Re: Quarantined...So No Way Really of Setting Boundaries
« Reply #3 on: March 26, 2020, 04:34:46 PM »
Her most recent comment of only being with you because of financial reasons... Is she still trying to hurt you? That may be why she is saying that. Or the truth may be coming out in her rage. It is always so hard to say. I think you should ask yourself if YOU are getting what you want out of this relationship. I try to ask myself the question- "If this relationship were to suddenly end for any reason, would I look back on all of these years with regret? Or would I say: Well if was good while it lasted."

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Mikeb44

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Re: Quarantined...So No Way Really of Setting Boundaries
« Reply #4 on: March 26, 2020, 05:23:24 PM »
I'm at a point where I cant tell the difference if between if she is trying to hurt me or telling the truth. She has said a lot of hurtful things and now I am wondering if this is real or not. This seems to fall on me a lot to decipher what she actually means.

In response to the very thought provoking question, within the grief process I think I am in denial at the moment yet I keep going over how bad would it be if it all ended. The answer is a little unclear but with a son that is 2, I am more worried about him than myself. Either way, I don't think I am getting what I need. And that is why I am trying to solicit feedback to consider a much bigger step that will surely inflict more pain.

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ICantThinkOfAName

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Re: Quarantined...So No Way Really of Setting Boundaries
« Reply #5 on: March 26, 2020, 07:16:49 PM »
What would happen if you call her bluff, calmly say, wow I didn't know you were so unhappy!  Is it really fair for me to keep you in the relationship then?  In my opinion, she will be then forced to acknowledge that she didn't mean it.  Because when faced with the facts or the consequences of their ultimatums they usually back down.  If she doesn't back down then maybe she was serious, however, usually when people are serious about leaving they just simply do it and not threaten. 

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BeautifulCrazy

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Re: Quarantined...So No Way Really of Setting Boundaries
« Reply #6 on: March 26, 2020, 08:10:56 PM »
I don't think it matters much if she is trying to hurt you or telling the truth....
If she is willing to go there trying to hurt you, that says a lot about who she is as a person and as a partner.
If she is telling the truth, that says a lot about who she is as a person and as a partner.

At least with the bigger step, the pain is all shorter term. And HUGELY diminished for your son. (If he even remembers much, being still so young)
Is the long term pain of living like this, and probably getting worse over time, worth exposing yourself and your son to?
Just thoughts from someone at a similar point.

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11JB68

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Re: Quarantined...So No Way Really of Setting Boundaries
« Reply #7 on: March 26, 2020, 11:23:12 PM »
I feel your pain. I'm on a partial wfh schedule due to social distancing. Uocpdh works from home and is recovering from a recent heart attack. Way too much together time for me. Worked from home today, he was in a mood... Started early in the morning and just drained me. Now I'm trying to mc and he's asking me if I'm mad... :stars:

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tragedy or hope

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Re: Quarantined...So No Way Really of Setting Boundaries
« Reply #8 on: March 27, 2020, 10:25:32 AM »
I have learned never to make a decision if i am hungry angry lonely or tired. most of the time, one of those things skews my thinking. people struggle in relationships, especially those that are intimate. we are bringing what our parents did and taught us into a situation with another set of parental influence for our spouse. i have noticed fil traits in my unpdh. fil in my opinion is not a good person. i can't imagine how i have brought my crazy background into my relationship.

all of this to say, you both are just who you are. she needed to hurt someone, you felt you needed to lie. and so iife goes on.

i would/(and did not not) make any hasty decisions especially with a toddler/children in the mix. really.

when i hear stuff like this in my home i realize there is a very disturbed person in front of me who in two minutes, two hours or two days will behave like they never said anything.
making oneself happy is an inside job.

I would imagine there was something that you found worthy of love in her from the beginning. nothing is wrong with that. millions of people live with and love "unusual people."
stay connected here. no hurry. some things cannot be undone or become more difficult than not doing them ie; attorney's etc. you have many choices not just one.

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1footouttadefog

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Re: Quarantined...So No Way Really of Setting Boundaries
« Reply #9 on: March 27, 2020, 01:34:42 PM »
The tools on this website are good for managing the issues you describe.

Keeping in mind that you cannot change or cure a personality disorders, the tools work.  They work because we can to a great extent work on ourselves. We can change how we interact with the games the pds play.  We can change how we allow ourselves to be treated. 

A complete makeover of Dynamics is not realistic however some improvement toward tolerable is possible in many if not most cases. 

My situation improved and additionally I have peace of mind that I owned my stuff and did my part if things don't work out in the long run. 

For me acceptance that my spouse is never going to be "normal" and that we would never have an adult emotional connection was painful up front and at the same time reduced the pain of chronic dissapointment .

Emotional distancing and no longer expecting what cannot and will never be was important for me.  Finding other outlets for socializing and intelectual stimulation, and spiritual fellowship helped me be less empty.

Work on you, and take care of you, Holistically.

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Mikeb44

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Re: Quarantined...So No Way Really of Setting Boundaries
« Reply #10 on: March 27, 2020, 03:48:06 PM »
I am so thankful for all of you that have reached out.

I am in tears feeling the empathy you have to offer that I don't get especially now.

There is a theme from all of you of working on myself and emotionally distancing myself from her. Very difficult being stuck at home but I made a short list of things I am working on to improve myself and to survive. The biggest is to get back on a regular exercise routine and continue my self reflection I have been working on to find true Joy in my life.

I also have contact my primary care to have someone to help me through the physical toll this is taking on me.

Either way I appreciate all of you. I have to remember she is "trying" to hurt me and I need to leave it at that since of course after the fallout yesterday she acted like nothing happened on her side...

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BeautifulCrazy

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Re: Quarantined...So No Way Really of Setting Boundaries
« Reply #11 on: March 27, 2020, 04:17:47 PM »
Mikeb44,

I find medium chill is the best tool in the box if you have to do everyday contact. The toolbox is full of really great stuff, but having a good handle on what medium chill is, and how to implement it, for me, has been the most valuable tool / skill for navigating day to day. I only wish I had learned it sooner!! (As well as learning to not JADE)
The more practice and success you have properly doing MC, the more freedom and space is created in your life and your relationship for you. You make space to work on yourself, work on your part of the relationship, or work on disentangling from it if that is what you need to do. It gives more space to observe instead of engage. More space to make better choices for yourself. More space for joy.
Be warned, MC is difficult to do well, especially if you are prone to justifying, arguing, defending, explaining (JADEing)!!
Spend time learning the tools in the toolbox on this site. Wishing you all the best!

~BC

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SparkStillLit

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Re: Quarantined...So No Way Really of Setting Boundaries
« Reply #12 on: March 27, 2020, 07:53:24 PM »
*I cannot tell you how many times I've booted him (nicely) out of my home office!!!!!!!*
I hear you all.