Recording Me

[FreeSophia]

Well whenever I think that things couldn't possibly get worse or crazier they do! A month ago I discovered that my husband had put a recording device in my truck. I discovered this because he came home from work early in the morning and got into bed and he was crying. I immediately woke completely up and asked him, "What happened? What's wrong??" His response was, "You already know! How could you do this to me!" I then realized he was going to accuse me of something AGAIN and I was really frustrated (and pissed that I was woken early about some ridiculous thing that was not going to be true, because I need sleep to get to work too). But I could see that he was crying and that he must truly believe whatever ridiculous notion he had about me now so I tried to be very kind to him and we continued the conversation of him telling me that he knew I was cheating, he KNEW! eventually he brings out an old phone of his and plays a recording to me of someone getting into a vehicle, driving, and mumbling a few words. It actually took me a few minutes to realize that it actually WAS me in the recording. Usually when he produces "evidence" of me cheating it will be something he found online of some woman who is NOT me who is posting personal ads. (Yeah, he looks through personal ads to "find" me on there.... really creeps me out- I don't post personal ads! I don't cheat! Stop looking at women's personal ads!! But that is another topic...) Anyway, when I realized that actually WAS me in the recording I felt absolutely violated and horrified. And he was completely distraught and hysterical so I was made to sit there and listen to the recording again and again and explain to him what was actually happening in the recording. There was no one else in the car. I was not talking to anyone else. When I mumbled "Stop" I was probably sliding on the ice a little, trying to stop the truck. See? Now you hear it accelerating. No, those are not kissing noises, its probably the keys clunking around, how could I be kissing someone WHILE accelerating? Why would there be someone else in the vehicle who never once speaks? Eventually he realized that he was mistaken and started crying about THAT and telling me how sorry he was and how much he hates himself..... I felt completely frozen inside. I haven't told anyone about this because it is so horrifying and embarrassing. Why do I stay in this? What am I supposed to do?? I went to work feeling completely traumatized and when I got home I told him to get the hell out. He was gone for one night and then came back. I don't know why I let him back. I don't know why I always end up feeling sorry for HIM. I don't know why I allow myself to be violated again and again. Now I feel like I can't even relax when he's not around because he could be recording me!!!!!! I just don't know what to do....

[Medowynd]

I would check your truck for a GPS tracker.  There are devices that you can by online that can find hidden cameras placed around your house. 

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh what's next? Some women would eventually just go and have an affair because they have been mistrusted for so long. Yet, you probably don't even have the energy to do that. Sophia, what sticks out for me is, that all the time the focus is on him and on his fears and feelings and needs - not on you. He makes up some random accusation, pretends his idea is true, makes your life difficult because of it. All of this keeps you from concentrating on your needs, wishes, fears, wellbeing.

How about next time he has such an attack, you do not engage with him. Accept him exactly how he is, feel sorry for him but respect him as an adult and let him deal with his own feelings, grab your emergency bag and leave for a safe place with a friend, or a hotel, or the women's shelter,  even if it is in the middle of the night. You might tell him, that you consider this abuse and you will not allow yourself in future to be abused.  You do not engage in any further discussion. That is your boundary. From then on, every time he makes an accusation, you leave immediately.  My NPDh used to yell insults at me and once I implemented this strategy the yelling and the insults stopped within a few months.

[FreeSophia]

Thanks for the feedback guys. Yes, I have considered looking for more recording devices.... it feels like a bad "lifetime" movie... And I know, I do focus too much on my husband's thoughts and feelings and not enough on my own... I do like your ideas of leaving, and I have actually started doing that about a year ago. there are nights when he will suddenly start freaking out about something small but turn it into a huuuuuge thing and he will yell at me for hours, accuse me of affairs, and prevent me from sleeping, and so when he does that I generally leave the house and go to a hotel or my friends house and stay the night. It has helped. He started to go to counseling after that and taking medication so it's hopeful anyway.... The thing with him is that I truly do believe that he does not do this intentionally. I do not believe that he wants to cause turmoil over imaginary things. I believe that he 100% believes in the moment that his paranoid thoughts are true. And after an "episode" he always ends up so broken and hating himself. (Of course I end up broken and traumatized as well). If I thought that he was intentionally trying to start a problem for some twisted reason I think that it would be so much easier for me to deal with because I would just be mad. Instead I feel pity for him- and also traumatized myself.

[notrightinthehead]

What helped me a lot was to focus on facts rather than speculate on his intentions, thoughts, and feelings. His actions are facts. What he does, how he behaves, and what he says are facts. What you assume about his intentions may be true or may be something that you project on him.

[bat123]

I'm sorry.  I know from firsthand experience that this is a traumatizing event.  My spouse secretly recorded me with some sort of device in my car last year.  He claimed it was because he thought I was talking about him behind his back to our children, so he had to monitor me.  He ended up catching me talking about him to my sister, and it has caused terrible shockwaves in our relationship for the past year.  He continues to hold me responsible for the unforgivable sin of talking about him, and he can't see that maybe, just maybe, the things I said about him had some truth!  (How ironic, really, that I told my sister he was controlling and narcissistic, at the same time he was surveilling me!) We've been in counseling, and our therapist has tried to keep us focused on the future and not the past.  He complies for a few days after our sessions but then he goes right back to complaining about how terrible I am and how much I wronged him.  It's a terrible cycle to be in.  I feel for you.  Please know that secretly recording others is not a normal or acceptable behavior.  And depending on where you live, it's also possibly illegal.

[Dodo]

My partner also has accused me of talking about him to my friends and sister, and I must say I have done so and don't feel guilty about it anymore because I need to vent and I need to feel like I'm not crazy and be reassured his behaviour is not normal.  He's actually said to me you can talk to me, OMG you're the problem so how can I talk to you about you as he would throw it back on me like he always does.  Anyway putting a listening device in your truck is not normal and he must be offaly worried about his behaviour to go to such lengths.  You have a right to talk to whomever you want and it is none of his concern!

[GentleSoul]

Just to offer my support and empathy for this horrible situation you are in.

[Phoebe]

There are phone apps for detecting hidden cameras and listening devices. 

[fish2019]

When my relationship ended I looked back and realised all the times he'd go on my phone to leave me a nice note or video... After it ended I realised that if he wanted to do that, he'd of sent it from his own phone. It was just an excuse so he could go through mine. My friends made me check my devices for spyware and change all my passwords - I'd recommend you do the same!

I'm so sorry you're going through this, stay safe.

[sad_dog_mommy]

I am so sorry this happened to you. 

My ex tracked me using the "find my friends" app.   And he put a key-logger on my computer so he could see every email , online purchase and Google search PLUS it gave him all my user names and passwords.    This kind of snooping/stalking behavior that show a complete lack of trust, respect or boundaries.   

He must have some deep seated insecurities and the boo-hooing might have been a way to get narcissistic "supply" from you?   

You are not alone.    Learn as much as you can about BPD so you can see the patterns of the cycle of narcissistic behavior as they happen around you. 

((( hug )))

[PeanutButter]

IMO it can be helpful to refuse to participate or engage in defending yourself. Dont explain all the reasons he is wrong, debunk his evidence, and reassure him. If you can safely do so tell him only one last time that you are not unfaithful and at that time tell him that from now on you will not respond to accusations in the future for the sake of his mental health and the survival of your marriage.
In situations like this the person is sort of 'addicted' to the obsession. He gets himself all worked up spying and such, he accuses you, you reassure, and then he gets relief (a fix).Then it starts over because the relief is temporary. IME

[SparkStillLit]

Hey PB thanks for this tidbit! It's not progressed to spying (THAT I KNOW OF), but this is an ongoing thing. I'm going to take your advice!