help with uBPDMIL

[quesoqueen]

Hi everyone!  New to the site but have read lots of posts and appreciate hearing from others who are in a similar situation as I am!

My MIL is what my DH and I consider to be uBPD.  She is 76 years old and lives alone (with her dog).  She is active at her church but has no friends (a few from many years ago when she lived on the east coast that she writes letters to).  DH is an only child and she was divorced from DH's dad 34 years ago.  DH has two daughters from a previous marriage that I love like my own!  I have a GREAT relationship with DH's ex-wife and her husband and the four of us co-parent really well together!  DH and I got married last July.  When we were dating, DH told me all about his childhood--incidents that led to uBPDMIL's being institutionalized three separate times; thank goodness for his grandparents!  She was never diagnosed with anything, just became SUPER religious.  To the point where she told DH to not be friends with certain children in his class because their first names had 6 letters and 6 is the devil's number.

She has always been mostly friendly to me but I know all about her tantrums and the stunts she pulls with DH because he shares with me.  He is an expert at dealing with her but I would find myself giving advice/trying to help him and have since realized (through therapy) that that doesn't actually help the situation.  My family life is very different.  I'm the oldest of three, my parents still married and happy and healthy.  They live many states away so I rarely see them but have a great relationship with them and my siblings.  My parents would never think of saying some of the things that uBPDMIL says to DH so most of my reaction is shock and outrage.  She constantly complains that she doesn't see us enough (she moved about 10 minutes away from DH about 12 years ago when he and now ex-wife relocated from east coast because all she has is him)  We see her about 1-2x/month and take her out to lunch as nice controlled way to spend time but in a public place with a set time frame.  She comes to every single one of the girls' sports games/class events, mainly as something to look forward to/do--she isn't really great with kids or conversing with them.  She talks our ears off about things unrelated to the event but most of the time we can tolerate it because she is truly lonely and has no one to talk to.  We just nod and don't make too much eye contact.  However, the tantrums start when the girls don't run up to her, excited to see her (they are becoming pre-teen & teen and we've explained that children change and are sometimes moody) or when we can't keep plans with her or when we don't spend enough time with her.  All holidays are spent with her because she truly has no one.  However, the way we spend time with her is different--a brunch out or a quick lunch at our house.  We visited with my parents in Vermont for almost a week after Christmas but had to lie and say it was just the 4 of us a the ski house because if she knew my parents and sister were there too she'd become uncontrollably jealous and rage-filled (it happened when we were at my bridal shower on the east coast last year!)  Oldest DD wasn't able to make it to a lunch with her due to a soccer tournament so uBPDMIL went to her school the next week and asked office staff if she could put a Valentine in her locker since "I don't know if I'll ever get to see her again."  She writes letters to the girls at their sleepaway camp and often they are having too much fun to write back  so she starts writing "This is my SEVENTH letter to you and I have received only TWO letters back from you" at the top of the letter.  She is constantly holding "I don't know how much time I have left on this earth" over DH's head as a way to get attention/visits.  She's just not pleasant to be around--she complains, is negative, is often inappropriate in front of the girls, etc.  If she were just a lonely little old lady, I promise she'd be at our house every Sunday for dinner!  She is toxic and has even told DH "when the girls get married one day, I don't think they'll want you to walk them down the aisle, I think they'll want their stepdad to" which is wildly inaccurate--DH is a GREAT dad and spends TONS of quality time with them (which she only sees when we choose to spend our obligatory hour lunch with her).

My therapist has been great at helping me through my emotions as it relates to this relationship.  I adopted a "medium chill" technique with her before I even knew about it from this site!  I feel so icky after every single interaction with her because I am normally a very warm, outgoing, friendly person.  I have no enemies in this life--if someone gives me a bad vibe, I tend to distance myself/cut them off.  My therapist explained that since some of my core values are family, peace and relationships, that my behavior with her (that I need to practice in order to survive the relationship) feels odd because it is inconsistent with those values.  Makes total sense!  I can't truly be myself around her.  If I'm my normal, friendly self, she'll take advantage and be calling me every day, trying to get together MORE!

DH understands that none of this is normal and has established some really good boundaries.  She used to text him at all hours of the day and night.  He told her she can't text before 6:30am so we get texts right at 6:30 now.  Many years ago, during his first marriage, uBPDMIL showed up at DH's house, berating his now ex-wife for something and lead to no more unannounced visits allowed and MIL and now ex-wife going no contact.  I'm just waiting for the day that she tells me what she really thinks of me!  But I'm expecting it and honestly, it might bring me some peace.  I want to support DH and I know that keeping the peace will help him not incur her wrath but I'm trying out the vlc model (skipping lunch and letting it be him with DDs and MIL only) and while that's good for me, she's probably going to catch on soon.  I worry about my behavior making things worse for DH since she will take out everything on him (if I stop showing up, stop responding to texts, etc).  He still very much feels the obligation of being an only child, the only person she is truly connected to.  We've briefly talked about NC but he just doesn't think he can do it because she truly has no one else.   

New twist is that I just found out I am pregnant (we're very excited!!) but I dread her finding out because she will use it as an opportunity to try to see us MORE and to make sure we don't "keep her from seeing HER grandchild" (she signs all birthday, Christmas cards, etc to me "Love, Your Mother-in-Law" so obviously, it's all about her--always referring to the girls as "MY grandchildren" like she owns them/has legal rights to them)

I get this terrible sense of dread anytime we hear from her or have to see her.  She just texted us this morning asking us what the plans for Easter were--we're trying to live day-to-day through this lockdown and that text just put me over the edge!

Does anyone have any experience with any visualization techniques that would help her take up less room in my mind?  She really doesn't contact me often but when I know she is bugging DH, it makes me upset on his behalf and sets me off on a new thought spiral of all the terrible things she's done/said to us.  I guess I'm still in the "outrage"/"how can a mother treat her son this way?" phase of my understanding all this?!

Thanks in advance for the support!

[WinterStar]

quesoqueen,

I don't really have advice or tips for the situation you're dealing with. PDs are still taking up too much space in my head, and I haven't figured that part of things out yet. I just want to say I get that what you're dealing with is really, really hard. No mother should put her son through this, and as his loving wife, it must hurt you especially to watch that happen.

Congrats on the baby! I wish your beautiful family all the best.

[bloomie]

quesoqueen - Hi there and welcome! I am thankful you have officially joined us and look forward to supporting you! Congrats on a happy marriage, successfully blended family, and a new baby on the way! What a joyful time this must be for you and your sweet little family.

The specter of a high conflict mil whose behaviors seem to go back and forth between overt and covertly manipulative behaviors over your lovely life is a lot to work through. I have a mil who is in a similar position in that we our family is pretty much all she has to count on and my DH is responsible for her well being. This is part of our life package and I have accepted that.

What I have also learned is that keeping clear that I am my DH's wife and children's mother only and my first priority and support is for them has helped be a filter when my monkey mind starts to run away with me with the what ifs. I didn't marry my mil. She has made it clear I am NOT her "blood" or family while expecting from me the familial intimacy and privileges of a cherished, supportive, warm-hearted mother.

Years of shrill demands and petty and spiteful behaviors toward our children, similar to what you describe toward your dear step daughters, has eroded their adult relationships with her to a state of polite and kind distance and that is called the consequences for her behaviors and is a reality no one can circumvent for her.

Coming here I learned that so much of what was in play in my in law family was established long before I ever arrived on the scene. It is important to remind yourself that you didn't cause this, you can't cure this, and you can't control it.

Boundaries are vital to develop and keep in place and that includes having internal boundaries around our wandering, fearful minds that often anticipate problems before they crop up. The thing about that is our nervous system doesn't know what is actual and imagined and it takes an incredible toll.

I spent a lot of years believing I was preparing and protecting myself and my family by anticipating all of the what ifs. When I shifted to equipping myself with tools and strategies and developing a support system of people who truly get it - like you are doing with therapy and coming here - and becoming empowered and assured in my position and about what does and does not work for me a lot of the false guilt and confusion began to drop away.

A couple of really helpful reads are Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain you Dry by Albert J. Bernstein and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay G. Gibson.

Keep coming back and sharing. It really helps lighten a heavy heart!

[quesoqueen]

Thanks WinterStar for understanding--it feels better just to know that others are out there experiencing the same thing! 

[quesoqueen]

Bloomie, thank you for your kind words and thoughtful response!  It sounds like you have been dealing with your MIL for far longer than I have so I appreciate hearing that you've been able to "accept" that this is part of your situation and that your children have been able to maintain polite, distant relationships.  I really liked how you talked about both boundaries with the person but also boundaries with our wandering minds and the anxiety produced around this situation.  I feel lucky that she doesn't really bother me anymore directly (I think the Medium Chill method really worked--making myself so uninteresting with one word answers, not asking her questions, etc has made her less curious about me in general). 

I've been working with my therapist on being supportive to DH without trying to tell him how to handle her.  I know how I would handle the situation if she were my mom but accepting that she's NOT my mom and that he has been dealing with this for 42 years in his own way has helped to shift my perspective and to offer support instead of trying to control the situation for him.  I'm still hurt when I see her treating him badly but again, he knows the best way to deal with her and will continue to do the work (using this site, seeking therapy) if he needs new tactics. 

I'm still worried about how she'll up her game when the baby arrives but your comment about "I am DH's wife and children's mother and my first priority and support is for them" really helped to remind me that my #1 job will be to love and care for the baby and my stepdaughters and we will see MIL on our terms when it works for our schedule.

If you don't mind sharing, did you do anything specific to "grieve" the idea of having a MIL that you got along with and could graciously/happily/excitedly invite to your home for holidays, etc?  I have a little list of other "MIL figures"--family friends, older female neighbors, coworkers, etc who love me and support me and fill that role and it seems to help remind me that family can also be "friends who feel like family"