Don't even really know what to say right now...

[EternalHippo]

Hello All,

I hope you are doing well as our world navigates through this time.  I am feeling a general sense of dread related to my uPDMIL & upPDFIL.  Despite a growing global crisis, they insisted on carrying out a planned trip to New Zealand.  Instead of listening to family members to come home or skip the trip, they are continuing with their tour and have a scheduled flight for next week.  There is no guarantee they will make it back to the US anytime soon.  I witnessed my DH and SIL crying on phone the other day because they are so worried.  Their brother has also increased his drinking which my DH feels responsible for "fixing." 

My DH and I went through such a difficult time when his brother died in November that the thought of something else happening to his family fills me with the fear that our relationship won't survive.  The more healing I do for myself (which I think impacts my DH in a positive way) makes me less tolerant of the toxicity of my ILs.  My DH and I have come a long way and I am trying to take this one step at a time.  But I see how deeply DH's family has wounded him and his siblings and I just feel helpless. 

[treesgrowslowly]

Oh man your last paragraph really speaks to me. When we grow we do become less tolerant of toxicity for sure and it affects our marriage as you are so aware.

If you have any access to online or video counselling right now I would suggest that it can be a way to express your concerns to a 3rd party listener who can help you during this time.

Their focus will likely be on how this is stressing you out and what you can do to protect your marriage from some of the anxiety they went and triggered with this terrible travel plan.

It will also give you some relief to see the reaction of others who understand the true severity of the health crisis and see the ILs trip for how selfish it is.

It is painful and hard when people older than us show such lack of insight and poor judgement as to plan a international trip during a global public health crisis. You ultimately cannot bar them from going, but the deeper issue of course is how ignorant they are about how upset this has made everyone in their family.

Those of us who are NC with toxic family members can remember what (self absorbed) straw finally broke the camels back and this would definitely be one for me.

Hang in there and keep posting. You're not alone a lot of us have immature in laws.

I wouldn't spend my time jading especially with them directly. If they are narcisssitic they will revel in all the attention they garner from this. Making people upset is how NPDs garner narcissistic supply. 

Do they realize they should have to self isolate for 14 days upon arrival?

I wonder if they know the trip is unlikely to happen and are garnering attention by saying they are still going.

As the child of parents who didn't always live in reality, I don't put anything past a uNPD who needs supply....I have been lied to a lot by uPDs over the years....

Trees

[Rose1]

I'd be very surprised if NZ lets them in. They closed borders yesterday with a level 4 lockdown.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2020/mar/26/new-zealand-in-lockdown-a-surreal-experience-when-you-cant-see-the-enemy

I hope this helps.  I guess one thing we are going to  have to deal with is that pds are going into a situation where they have no control, no one cares about their special status of being "different". And being told no. Best to stay clear IMO

[bloomie]

EternalHippo - the greater issues seems like you are trying to find a balanced way to support your DH at times like this. It is really painful to be at a different stage in our healing and understanding of the best way to deal with toxic choices and behaviors with extended family members than our DH.

It is possible to detach emotionally from the drama-bound antics and dependency issues of others and still be supportive of your H. For grown adult children to be in tears over their parents stubborn insistence on not missing a holiday during a pandemic may show there is still a lot of grieving to do over the loss of their brother and that they are in the grip of fear and feeling urgent responsibility for something they have zero control over. What a frustrating and confusing place to be in for them and for you to be witnessing.

I believe the work of alanon groups is some of the best around for developing coping for ourselves and strategies for our interactions with addicted or dependent loved ones (if this is the case with your bil's drinking) that are tried and true and allow us to go forward in wisdom. Here is a great article that gives an overview of some of the topics alanon covers so you can see if any of their info would be helpful to you and your DH: https://www.verywellmind.com/al-anon-topics-for-beginners-63304

Knowing what is ours to do and what is within our sphere of responsibility is not always easy, but rest assured that the very best thing you can do to support your DH and strengthen your marriage is to continue doing the work you are doing as you learn and grow. You are actively seeking and building something better and stronger for yourself and by extension for your marriage under stressful circumstances and that is not helpless behavior at all. It is worthy and hard and a challenging process!

How are you doing today?

[EternalHippo]

Thank you for these thoughtful responses.  Given my own unhealthy upbringing I often question if I should reach out and say anything because the reactions I got growing up were not supportive.  I think that a lot of different paths I have been on are all intersecting during this interesting time.

My ILs were *lucky* to find a return flight from NZ to the US and are back in the country.  They had flown to NZ on like the 8th or 9th of March after spending a whole week in California.  My understanding is they were planning to stay away from my SIL and her daughter for 14 days but we will see how that goes.  Their first plan upon returning home was to go get donuts in person.  They have learned nothing from this experience and likely brought the virus to the friends they just had to see in NZ.  I appreciated the thought that they need the currency of attention.  They have taught this behavior to their children and the longer I am part of their family the more draining I find this all to be. 

I am doing better today as I have been doing a lot of inner child work and am uncovering and healing from my own painful childhood.  I'm uncovering some burdens I've been carrying for a long time and am finding some space right now to set them down for good.  I didn't realize for a long time that my ILs constantly trigger issues from my upbringing.  Now that I understand that I more strongly desire to have as little contact with my ILs as possible.  My inner child work has left me unsettled and out of balance and questioning everything including my marriage. 

The more painful realization I am recognizing is that I struggle the most with my DH's response to his parents behavior.  I desperately want him to see that what they do is not ok and to make changes in his way of relating to his family.  Right now it is easier for me to be angry at my ILs than to do some hard work with DH.  We've been struggling with some of the same things the duration of our relationship.  I am hopeful because it seems like the work I am doing is positively impacting him and I see him making his own growth.  I am trying to be patient and respect that he and I are in different places as we are different people yet I hope that we continue to grow in the same direction. 

I'm trying to not be attached to a certain outcome as I don't know how much DH actually wants to see what his parents are really like.  I am hoping that I can find the courage to advocate for my needs in relation to his family and that he and I can find a solution we can both live with.  Knowing these folks exhausts and saddens me.  I've been witness to one of his brothers die by suicide and his other siblings descend into lives I don't think they would have chosen for themselves.  It scares me.  They love to make comments about how I don't know the meaning of family...but their version of "family" is disgusting to me. 

I appreciate the support of this community.  It helps me realize I am not alone and responders often share a comment with a perspective that helps me.  Thank you and be well!

[all4peace]

EternalHippo, it's really painful and unsettling to see narcissistic behaviors in others. My "own" uNm was trying to insist on having gatherings of people to her house after our state shut down. Apparently the rules don't apply. It triggers us when some places deep inside of us remember what it felt like to depend on people like that to care for us and love us, and the many ways that went sideways.

I used to be very desperate for DH to see how his family worked, to protect our family from their influence (we live next door) and to step up and DO something. My urgency made it easier for DH to see ME as the problem. When I finally found the guidance (therapy) to set boundaries and the courage to do so, calmly, on my own, DH started facing them on his own and actually feeling the toxicity without me there as a buffer. The calmer I got, the less I looked like the problem. Eventually he found his way Out of the FOG.

It's very difficult. Marriage is like going through life in the same canoe as our partner. What rocks one person rocks the entire canoe. It's natural to really want them to see things the way we do! But I also know I couldn't see my own family's dysfunction until I was ready, significantly later than I saw DH's family problems.

You are growing, and that is bound to impact your DH over time. Hang in there.