My anger issues as a mom

[Mintstripes]

Anyone else terrified of becoming their parents? I grew up with abuse and I said I would never ever do that to my child(ren).

But the anger I feel is unreal. It’s not just anger, actually. It’s rage. I find myself yelling A LOT. I am beside myself with anger. My child has some behavioral conditions that we are trying to get help for. So that’s hard enough, but now especially with the pandemic, even the more normal kid things she does annoy the heck out of me (coloring on walls, spilling stuff constantly, etc). I am a single parent with no support and I feel so, so overwhelmed. I love my kid SO much and I feel like I’m failing because of how angry I am.

I don’t want to be that mom with anger issues. I am trying SO hard to counter it. I lock myself in another room for 5-10 mins when I feel like I’m going to explode. I try to let certain things go (it’s really hard though). 

Yesterday I lost it and was yelling almost all day. Today, I made a huge effort to be calmer and speak more gently. When my kiddo was getting out of hand (she has ADHD, aggression issues etc), I practiced being FIRM and implemented a time out immediately.

I never, ever thought I’d feel so angry but I’m realizing that the behaviors are so deeply ingrained and that I need to fight them that much harder. I hate that I am SO reactive! I sometimes even catch myself SOUNDING like my parents (NC). UGH. I’m planning on starting an SSRI soon to manage my GAD and panic disorder. My doctor said it should help with my anger and short fuse as well. I’m scared

Any insight is appreciated.

Edited for typos.

[GettingOOTF]

Mint I’m sorry for what you are dealing with. You are such an incredibly brave and  strong person. You have given your daughter a real chance, a chance that many who grow up in PD homes don’t get given.

I decided not to have kids largely because of my anger.  My mother was such an angry woman. She had a terrible temper. I don’t remember a time when she wasn’t angry or looking for things to be angry about. My sisters and I grew up such angry women and I’ve watched both of them parent the same way. I’ve also seen the outcome of that parenting on their children who have the same issues my sisters and I had and the eldest is repeating many of my mistakes. Seeing this in someway validated my choice not to have children.

That said I went to therapy, read a lot and did many online workshops. It was very difficult work but I’ve worked through my anger issues. I used to get so angry at so many things. I was just constantly angry and it was a vicious, hot angry that was always under the surface. Now I see where that anger came from. While I’m glad I never had children when I was with my ex and hadn’t worked through my issues it’s now a source of sadness as I see now what a loving, patient and present mother I would be. I really would have broken the cycle. Of course now it’s too late for me.

One of the outcomes of this work is that I finally have compassion for my mother. I hated her for almost all of my life. Anger was now my family communicated and I hated my mother so much for it.

I see now that she was frustrated and trapped in a terrible marriage. Her father was a cold, abusive man who hated women. He put her and my grandmother through hell. She married and had children young to escape her home situation and she chose poorly with her spouse. 

A lot of my anger came from the frustration, fear and feelings of being trapped I had as a kid. Anger was the only way I knew how to express any emotion. It was the only way I knew how to communicate.

I do not have sufficient words to describe to you how angry I was.

From what you’ve written there seems to be PD and abuse in your own home which seems to continue today, you were in an incredibly abusive marriage. I’m sure your posts were only a fraction of what you experienced. I used to read them and think “that man is going to kill her”. When you left you were in a horrible situation  and yet again at the mercy of others and their rules, and you are still in contact with your abuser, all the while dealing with your sexuality. Through the worst of this you have had to take care of a child. As a parent you are in many ways at the mercy of your children and again bound by someone else’s rules. Your have done this with little to no support system, even friends.

Of course you are angry. You’ve never had a chance to be yourself, to be safe and secure while you work things out. You’ve never had any space to be who you really are and figure out what it is that you want.

The fact that you are aware of you anger means you can work on its origins and break the cycle.

Typing this that anger seems so abstract to me now. I don’t remember what it felt like. I approach things so differently today.

What I found helpful was really digging into my childhood and understanding how my upbringing forms my choices today. Reading Codependent No More was a real turning point for me. I have also done a lot of reading on how children form their life views. I’m able to see that a lot of my views were formed by my parents and their behaviors. I see now how things like abuse are intergenerational and how it takes just one person to break that cycle. I have done some inner child reading and work. I was resistant at first. I’m very independent and logical. It was hard to go back and untangle basically everything I thought about myself. It was slow and difficult work. Not many can look at their lives like this and make changes, but it turned my life around.

I broke the cycle for me only, but you are breaking the cycle for generations to come.

I hope this was helpful to you, that you can see your anger is a natural response to a lifelong situation and that there is hope for a different way of living.

[notrightinthehead]

Mint, I have recently listened a lot to Tim Fletcher on YouTube and found his talks on anger very helpful.
You have overcome so much already, I believe you will overcome this problem as well.

[JenniferSmith]

One of the most important factors for any problem we have is that we first recognize and admit it is a problem. That very act means we then have the ability to address the problem and work to change it.  So many people never reach this point and as a result, they remain entrapped by their negative habits and patterns.   So pat yourself on the back for that!

Its not something often discussed on these forums, but there is some research (don't ask me to dig it up ATM) showing some biological factors that can underlie the formation of personality disorders.  We do inherit the genes from our parents. I have spent many years reflecting on my own temperament and those of my parents and siblings, and other extended family members and I believe that there is an irritable, anxious, moody temperament that runs through my mother's side of the family. 

Abuse and family dysfunction of course will exacerbate any "bad genes" we have... but if we find ourselves seriously struggling for decades after it occurred, I've come to think we should look more towards the temperaments we inherit. Just as we can see in our relatives the shape of our nose, the contour of a chin, our height, our body's way of distributing fat, our skin tone, etc... there can be mental and emotional tendencies that come with those genes.  I say this because I believe some of us may have to work harder to fight against these tendencies deeply embedded into ourselves.

One suggestion I will make that has made a huge difference for me is meditation. Regular meditation practice allows us to develop a calm space inside ourselves that allows us space to reflect on our thoughts and feelings before we act on them. Its not an overnight process, but it is powerful once you've committed to the process. 

Anyway, I know that what you are experiencing is very stressful.... so be compassionate with yourself and give yourself credit for the progress you are making , regardless of how small the baby steps may be at times.  Your relationship with your children will benefit greatly from your ability to take responsibility for your behavior and address your child's feelings about it. The ability to talk about and then resolve conflicts is one of the most important interpersonal skills we need to develop in life...so while it may be an imperfect process, it sounds like you are trying your best to do that with your child.

[sevenyears]

Minstripes - we are on similar paths. I think recognizing your anger and programming and its triggers are important steps towards healing. I think it's fine that you take "time outs" when your anger is about to overwhelm you. Aren't time outs what we teach to our little ones when their emotions get too big? As they grow and develop, they learn better skills to handle their emotions. You will too. You've discovered there is a gap in your programming, so to speak, and what the cause of that is. The next step, logically, is to reprogram.

Notright, Gettingout and JS see some of your strength. Can you see it too? Remembering your strength will help you when you're feeling stressed and angry.

Reprogramming is hard and painful, but in the end, we all feel better. It's even harder when you're  shut in with a demanding little one and no respite! Can you use these unusual times in a pandemic to get some support creatively? I'm finding that without the normal demands of work and social life when my kids are with their father, I can work on myself a bit more. Can you do some online therapy with ZOOM or skype or something? Watch Youtube videos?  Meditation and reflection?

[PeanutButter]

IMO you will not become your abusive parent. I had the same fear. IME YOU HAVE INSIGHT! That is why you DID NOT become your abusive parent!
I have not experiences to qualify understanding the challenging circumstances of your daughters care.
But I have experiences with being angry and reactivity to anger that I wanted to stop, but felt like I didnt have control to do so.
One of the most important steps (in hindsight) in my recovery was to become aware of my inner critics voice.
Everyone has a story they tell themselves about what is happening in their life as life 'happens', an inner voice.
Because I was raised by an ubpd/uspd M who was overly critical and very very judgemental, my iv became the IC (inner critic) It was so negative, harsh, blaming, and shaming. I had no awareness of its existance but was reacting to it regularly.
This meant that the source of my anger was not what was happening externally ie: something someone did or said. The source of my anger was internal. It was what my IC was describing to me about external events. IE 'if he loved you then he would not say that' 'he did that because he is thoughtless to your feelings" etc.
I dont know if this makes sense to you but I hope it does.

Dr Phil McGraw says "you cant change what you dont acknowledge".
You have aknowledged reactivity. You CAN change it now! 
I love this too:
"When you get emotional, slow your thoughts down, and listen attentively (write it down). That way, you'll be able to hear what you are thinking. You do this becoming very still and very quiet, and recording your thoughts. These high-speed thoughts and internal reactions always precede your feelings and emotions. Trust me, you did tell yourself something if you now feel anger, mad, anxious, frustrated, sad or depressed. From now on, whenever you get upset, listen ever so carefully, to what you are telling yourself."
― Dr. Phil McGraw

[doingoveroroverdoing]

You are not alone. I have gotten better at staying regulated, and, when I do get angry, I'm not so scary. I also apologize & DC know I am in therapy. I  internalized my uNmom's beliefs around obedience. Even though I know I was terrified & it wasn't ok & I did not want to be my mother, I did internalize the notion that I should be obeyed. I didn't get that I even had this expectation. I thought my way was how to have a family. It didn't feel like a choice. I wasn't a person when I was a kid , I was an extension. Knowing I didn't want be like that was insufficient. It is hard to treat a child like a person when you don't  know how to be one.  Getting it cognitively is only the start.  I hope things are going ok for you. Please share if you find any success stories of people purging their anger. It's hard to admit being scary. It was hard for  people who aren't traumatized to understand how scary I could be.  And a lot of people raised by authoritarian parents can't accept that it's wrong. Even if they don't have unrealistic expectations, don't feel entitled to compliance, they give cover for those who do.   

[1footouttadefog]

I am sorry to hear of your struggle.  It is so hard when we feel we are losing the battle of parenting.

You recognize you need a change and arw taking measures to manage the nagatives.  That says alot about you having a good character.

I cannot imagine being a single parent at a time like this.  No down time no break plus extra stress and kids schooling at home.  Its alot.   

Some times due to stress and challenges etc brainchemistry can get stuck in a new balance that is not optimum for normal life so hopfully your doc can help with that.

If your daughter is ADD as an ADD person myself I will suggest. simplifying her environment to what you find managable for the two of you.  For example I bagged up all toy sets in the large gift bags from Christmas and birthdays and my kids could only have access to two at a time. We were always trading gift bags from my closet but they were never all out and messed up at once. 

I gained alone time by reading  then laying down with my kids with a timer set in the kitchen and I would get back up after getting them to sleep and have some time to unwind.

[doingoveroroverdoing]

I had a hard time sifting through parenting advice. I think a lot of it is written for people who don't have our kind of anger, by people who don't have a lot of experience with abuse.   "How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk," is different.  One of the writers was screamed at, if not worse, and a recovering screamer. I felt like I could relate to them & the advice was useful.

One thing I remember is to take action as soon as you notice the slightest agitation. Err on the side of overreacting is how I processed it. When kids do something annoying that you can deal with for a short time, but will send you over the edge if it doesn't stop, take action. Don't even start the "this is no big deal, they can do this, it's fine," inner dialogue. Just ask them to please stop. Insist if you have to.

Also, I felt like it helped to acknowledge to the kids that i wasn't being fair.  Please stop bec  your body can't handle it right now & you don't want to get scary mad. You're working on it. You want to not get so scary & it starts with avoiding even small distractions.

At some point I told my kids I was scared a lot when I was very little, our behavior was controlled by fear. I wasn't beaten, but I was hit. And bullied. It messed my senses & feelings. That's why I go see —- (therapist).  She's helping me.

I don't want you to feel scared or threatened, but sometimes I need to ask stuff is kind of unfair or a lot to expect. It has gotten easier, I'm less reactive. My scariness is out there & we can kind of joke about it.  It is far from optimal, kind of parentifies the kids, but it's the best I could & can do. It's a lot better than cycle of raging anger, and painful shame I'd get into.   

Hang in. You're not alone!!