Dealing with Money/Finances

[ocean2wave]

Are their any rules or recommendations for dealing with money within a marriage?  To someone with uBPD?  I/we have struggled with this for many years.  This was his 2nd marriage and my first.  I was 42 when we got married and he had 2 children, 11 and 13 when we got married.  He suggested we have a "house" account and each put  ~ 50% of the household expense in there and then the rest, of whatever we made was ours to spend or save or whatever.  He said he suggested this b/c he had kids to be responsible for and he also said he didn't want to get involved with what I spent to clothes or coffee with friends, etc.  Fine. 

Fastforward, 7 years later, he lost his job at 57.  I had gone back to school and now ran my own business.  He refused to get a job in anything except what he went to school for and was previously employed in (a dying field) and so really didn't work again except for a little substitute teaching over 2 years (maybe once a week).  Of course then he felt we should just blend all of our money.  I remained adamant that I liked the way things are.

Forward even more:  I now have some money I've inherited.  He gets SS and has a very small IRA.  I am now paying 80% of the household expenses.  I can become resentful. 

There's more to the story, but I'd like to stop here and get some feedback about how other's do this and manage household expenses, especially when there is a sense of entitlement on the part of the PD person and a lack of sense of responsibility for one's own or the common finances.  So many of my friends, with PD or non-PD marriages got married younger and had kids together.  The party line seems to be to mush all the money together.  I'd like to hear your thoughts.

Thanks ~ Vanzetti.

[intotheblack]

I'm sorry to hear you are dealing with this. In my experience, although somewhat different, my unNPD wife would shirk all responsibilities to share finances wherever possible. From simple things like buying a round in the pub, to not contributing to household outgoings (her classic line was "you would be paying more or less the same whether i lived here or not"). They try to avoid joint responsibility where possible, greedily hanging onto and ring fencing their own money/assets where possible. My wife had a £350,000 flat which was paid off in full and earning £30,000 a year in AirBnB income yet refused to contribute a penny to the marital home. They are the worst of the worst when it comes to shared responsibility.

[GettingOOTF]

My ex "lost" his job and pretty much never worked again. I was responsible for all the income. I too became resentful. I felt so much responsibility and felt like I couldn't leave him as he had nothing.

I did eventually leave. I see now how he used me to live his best life. I will never get that money back and I'm behind where my peers are, trying to make it up.

I will never again be in a relationship with someone who doesn't not have what I have in terms of income and financial security.

You are well within your rights to leave this man if that's what you want. The longer this situation goes on the harder it will be.

I see now that my ex made himself dependent on me to control and manipulate me into not leaving him. He also refused to do any work that wasn't in his field. Look, there is absolutely no excuse for any able bodied man not to have a job. He may not get the job he wants but there is plenty of work out there. My ex turned down so much. I see that if he'd really cared about me and our life together he would have taken one of those jobs he felt was beneath him and contributed to our life together. He chose not to work and eventually I chose to leave.

There were other issues in the marriage but the main source of stress for me and conflict between us was his refusal to work.

He is not your child and you are under no obligation to support him in this situation.

My personal view is that a partner refusing to work is a sign that they have deep control and entitlement issues.

What you have described is also a form of financial abuse. You can call a domestic violence helpline who can point you in the right direction for advice on protecting your assets, which you should do regardless of whether you stay or you leave. You husband has shown you who he truly is.

[SparkStillLit]

I am a firm believer in NOT combining the finances. I have my own accounts where my paychecks are deposited and H has ZERO access to it.
He has the same. I think he has a stash going, but whatever. He's currently unemployed and has been for about 6 mos now. Prior to that, let's call it "unstable employment" for 3 years. More of the same mixed with unemployment before THAT. Ever since he left his trade of 18 years.
We each have divided up bills we pay. He does often ask for monetary "help". If it's within my realm, I'll do it. If not, I won't and he gets quite shitty.
I'm really getting upset with this last bout of unemployment. I've no idea what his plans are to get out of it.
I came to the realization that I could buy him out on the house if it came to that. I must say, it was incredibly freeing. It put an end to some of the nonsense.
I say, keep your own finances.

[GentleSoul]

I have been with my uPD husband for about 15 years.  At first we combined our finances and both of us were happy with this.  We have similar incomes. 

However as my husband became more sick in his thinking and unreliable, I separated our finances out or we would be completely broke now.

[stella]

Very sorry for your situation.   My unNPD husband refused to work for most of our marriage and finally got a job about a year ago.  As soon as I got a better paying one he has been campaigning nonstop to quit his because apparently I make "enough".  I'd recommend separating finances as much as possible. 

[1footouttadefog]

He set up the Dynamics and the expectations in the marriage then later changed.

Perhaps he separates his responsibility to his kids from his relationship to you in his mind.  He felt he was responsible for them financially and it should not impact you.  However he seems like he okay with him impacting you. 

That is likely fair to an extent because you are married.  Perhaps there is some middle ground.

Perhaps you could continue to split the essential bills and you could contribute some additional funds to the pot as well then remain in independent with the rest.   Of course a fair return would be for him to get a small retirement job and support his own luxury to an extent as well.

If he cannot support 50 percent and you indicate you are paying 80 now, perhaps you can reduce the expenses that are not essential.  It's not fair for him to retire so young and expect to keep an upscale life style.  Perhaps cable TV and other such things could be trimmed.  Or you could downsize the home, or trade down a luxury vehicle or redice hobby expenses .  Just look it all over.

Life can be long and the older you get the more it costs to live.  I would not allow him to impoverish you financially.