The meaning of “Boundary”

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HH

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The meaning of “Boundary”
« on: March 28, 2020, 06:13:26 PM »
I looked up the word “boundary” In the dictionary and there are two meanings

1) something that indicates bounds or limits; a limiting or bounding line.

2) Also called frontier. in Mathematics.

this definition explains that a line is made up of a collection of points. And the “neighborhood” or surrounding areas of every point on the line touches both the space inside the boundary and beyond the boundary - the new frontier is just beyond reach.

This definition reminds me that a boundary is also a frontier - if you have come up against your limits and if you feel crushed by a BDP relationship (as I often do with dxBDP spouse) or that your life is at the absolute limit it can reach, or that you can’t let go but you can’t hold on, maybe there is a different story happening.

The stories we tell ourselves about what we are experiencing is more powerful than the events themselves. 

Maybe you feeing like you are banging your head against a wall means that you have to step back and look for another way around to the frontier beyond your current struggle.

The good news - is that your PD relationship can never reach into our inner freedom and never touch our will. Those boundaries are self-imposed, and your internal life is the way to external freedom.

The frontier space is about relationships
with self
with God
with others

 In our inner world, this is where we meet God.  In my faith tradition, the Holy Spirit is called the “comforter”, the “counselor” and the one who ”comes alongside” to guide us into the teachings of God and give us freedom through his Son.  We cry out when we are beyond ourselves and need resource and strength that can’t come from striving or trying harder.  I need grace, guidance, forgiveness, provision, and vision that can’t be mustered up with grit.

In our outer world, this is where we need a safe circle of relationships that can meet us where we end where others begin.  An African proverb says “If you want to go far, go alone.  If you want to go farther, go together.” 

If your situation feels limiting, bound, borderline, brick wall - there is always a frontier just beyond reach. cry out to God - ask him to tell you a story about what is happening and see what happens. Cry out to another person, ask them to help you navigate the boundary you are facing and the frontier ahead.

I’m thankful for this place to share and listen to others who struggle with the idea of “boundaries” because maybe we are codependent, maybe our partner is, maybe we both are and we need freedom to be healthy, whole, fully human. Peace today as we seek together


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Bloomie

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Re: The meaning of “Boundary”
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2020, 10:53:55 AM »
Quote from: HH
This definition reminds me that a boundary is also a frontier - if you have come up against your limits and if you feel crushed by a BDP relationship (as I often do with dxBDP spouse) or that your life is at the absolute limit it can reach, or that you can’t let go but you can’t hold on, maybe there is a different story happening.

The stories we tell ourselves about what we are experiencing is more powerful than the events themselves. 

Maybe you feeing like you are banging your head against a wall means that you have to step back and look for another way around to the frontier beyond your current struggle.

The good news - is that your PD relationship can never reach into our inner freedom and never touch our will. Those boundaries are self-imposed, and your internal life is the way to external freedom.

HH - thanks for sharing these powerful insights! In my own healing and journey OOTF I absolutely believe the biggest obstacle for me in breaking free begins and ends with my internal narrative and what I choose to believe and place my hope in.
"You can understand and have compassion for someone and still not want a relationship with them."
Amanda E. White, LPC @therapyforwomen

Bloomie 🌸

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Free2Bme

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Re: The meaning of “Boundary”
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2020, 03:35:14 PM »
Well said HH, thank you for sharing your thoughts.

When my children were young I would tell them that some people you will meet in life are not good to have near you.  I used a simple metaphor;  Imagine you lived in a gated community with a passcode entrance, also, you live in a  house with a fence, your home had a door with a lock, and then there is your heart within you.  There are some people you can allow into your private space or home, others you wouldn't allow past the front door, some that you will keep out of your yard and others would not be given the passcode to enter the neighborhood.  Like concentric circles.

The idea is that we should be discerning about who we allow close to us and the influence of that person upon our lives, many applications to this.  It's sad to think that I was unable to have many boundaries with their father.  I knew it intellectually, but I was not modeling it practically, and he would not allow it.   I wanted my marriage and family to succeed, I wanted us to be healthy, I prayed and hoped.  It became very destructive and unbearable for me and children, in the end I had to give up what I cherished the most to set a hard boundary and incur all the fallout (and blame) from that action.  Sometimes it seems like a cruel cosmic joke, but I know that is not truth.  My updxh was very sadistic, someone I should have never allowed past my gate, much less into my heart.   

HH you are right when you say the PD cannot truly control our inner world. Some PD's are not satisfied just controlling the outer world.  I would say IME that they try very hard to, and as long as they can wear you down and make you think they are inside your head, then we have given up the real estate of our mind.  My PD would target this area frequently and tell me what a disgusting person I was to everyone including my family, children, and God couldn't stand me.  (he claimed to be a devout Christian) I didn't believe these things were true, but I was hurt that he would think this and say it.  Of course now I know these were just weapons in his arsenal, and he didn't necessarily have to believe them, it just served a purpose. 

I agree that the Comforter has always been there and will continue to be there as we grieve our losses. 

Thank you HH for the reference to frontiers, that's interesting! 

Peace  :)

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Adria

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Re: The meaning of “Boundary”
« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2020, 12:59:34 PM »
HH,
Thank you for your wonderful post on boundaries.  It was a word in due season for me.

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Mary

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Re: The meaning of “Boundary”
« Reply #4 on: March 31, 2020, 02:26:43 AM »
Thanks HH. I will ask God to help me see my story.
For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called. (Isaiah 54:5)

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tragedy or hope

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Re: The meaning of “Boundary”
« Reply #5 on: April 02, 2020, 07:38:15 PM »
Hi HH
I read a certain wisdom in your post. Thank you. For those of us who are not victims but have chosen to stay it was very helpful.

I read the other day that we should not be considered victims, but rather resistors. We are here because we are awake enough to know we have some kind of connection with a personality disordered person. It does not mean some of them are not lovable. Many of us were so busy expecting we had a normal relationship, we didn't know: until the Comforter in the right time opened our eyes.

 I choose to live as a resistor. I know I am not a victim. I know not to expect. However, all the good stuff, that's from God himself through my unpdh. It's rarely from him, though he tries.

I loved your post. Glad you took the time to share it.
"When people show you who they are, believe them."
~Maya Angelou

Believe it the first time, or you will spend the rest of your life in disbelief of what they can/will do; to you.

Family systems are like spider webs. It takes years to get untangled and you still have bits of web on you. T or H

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HH

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Re: The meaning of “Boundary”
« Reply #6 on: July 13, 2020, 09:50:26 AM »
Hi HH
I read a certain wisdom in your post. Thank you. For those of us who are not victims but have chosen to stay it was very helpful.

I read the other day that we should not be considered victims, but rather resistors. We are here because we are awake enough to know we have some kind of connection with a personality disordered person. It does not mean some of them are not lovable. Many of us were so busy expecting we had a normal relationship, we didn't know: until the Comforter in the right time opened our eyes.

 I choose to live as a resistor. I know I am not a victim. I know not to expect. However, all the good stuff, that's from God himself through my unpdh. It's rarely from him, though he tries.

I loved your post. Glad you took the time to share it.

Thanks for the language of “resistor” that is an empowering image and I will use that; wide awake and choosing to resist the destruction a PD causes in relationships