Looking for advice on working with a narc ex

[Sadpanda]

Hello, this would be my first post to the forum, so salutations! You can call me panda. Im looking for support and advice from people who have dealt with these kinds of situations, as everyone I seek advice from at home really doesn't seem to fully understand. I swear only someone who has been through narcissistic abuse will ever get it.

As with any narc story, it's a long story. Me and my narc were officially over in june of 2019, officially no contact dec 2019. Ah, but if only it were that easy with a narc. I happened to make a very poor decision of dating him as a coworker and thus no contact could only go so far. We work in a warehouse and I did a pretty fantastic job of ignoring him. The dock is pretty large and I made habits to make sure I avoided him as much as possible. I put focus into healing and started going to school and even repaired friendships the narc had damaged at work. Things were going great and even narc seemed fine and looked happy. Then he started coming around and threatening me. "If I hear you say my name to anyone you'll see what happens". At those times I just calmly reassured him that I didn't and wouldn't speak of him with any coworkers. He was running a smear campaign so I knew he was stopping me from defending myself while simultaneously degrading my name. To be honest, since I've been going to school and it's a warehouse I didnt care because I decided I have a long term goal and he can go ahead and tell everyone nasty things about me because I'd be leaving anyways. When he started to see that his games weren't affecting me the threats and harrassment got way worse. He also got extremely jealous over me talking with another Male coworker. The harassment got worse than I'd actually anticipated. I thought ignoring it would work, but actually it made him angrier than previous years (before I found out he was a narc) when I'd react. I decided I'd had enough. I went to HR and told them of the harassment. I already knew this was risky because he is a master manipulator, but I felt like I had no other choice. Maybe deep down I hoped they would beleive me and they would fire this evil monster. Yeah well, they put us both on administrative leave. During that covid 19 hit. Fun stuff. I was planning to start applying for new jobs and I did and still do, but because everyone and their mother is laid off all the jobs are being picked off like the toilet paper aisle. All along i was praying for justice. Well he didnt manage to manipulate and get me fired, as I found out he lied and told them i was saying things I didnt. However, they looked at it as if it was both of us and now we both return to work monday. I've been having off and on anxiety attacks since. I know that this narc is not done with me, but theres a little glimmer of hope. I have an option of transferring to another department. On one hand I can go back to the same department with the narc where I have a better desk job and risk being tormented and harassed and abused while no one believes and I'm painted as the villain....or I can have mental peace away from him, but be doing extreme physical labour in the other department. I have a back injury currently too. One that ive had for many years.

With covid theres no chance of another job. Schooling puts me about a year out to leave this place. Should I sacrifice my body and keep my sanity, or try and brave the storm and keep my easy job on my current dock?

[Rose1]

Think of this. If you move into the more difficult job the following are possibilities:
Ex could follow and cause trouble in a new place.

You could get injured and have no further options.

Work is scarce right now and you probably need to make as much as you can.

If you stay where you are:
He will continue his behaviour.

It's possible that you're both being observed by HR. If you do your job and he doesnt because he's too busy harassing, it might get noticed.

Things are changing very quickly and you may be on lockdown soon anyway.

Pros and cons of o consider.

[Sadpanda]

Think of this. If you move into the more difficult job the following are possibilities:
Ex could follow and cause trouble in a new place.

You could get injured and have no further options.

Work is scarce right now and you probably need to make as much as you can.

If you stay where you are:
He will continue his behaviour.

It's possible that you're both being observed by HR. If you do your job and he doesnt because he's too busy harassing, it might get noticed.

Things are changing very quickly and you may be on lockdown soon anyway.

Pros and cons of o consider.

He wouldn't be able to follow to the new department and because I was the one who initially filed harassment against him it would be way too obvious if he did. I'm starting to lean more towards going to the new department and just taking the crap labour work. I dont know if I'm strong enough to take anymore of his games mentally and I can always keep my hope in the fact I'm going to school and I only have to do that for about a year. It's not forever.

The problem with him is he's smart. I'll give him that. If I stay in my department hes not going to do anything at first. It's going to come in a few months time when things have settled down. He also uses other people to do his dirty work. There are some dumb low IQ people who work there and I've watched him use them to go write up other people he doesnt like. He gets in their heads and manipulates them into thinking the person hes targetting is against them and then they start writing that person up. He sits back and laughs and looks completely uninvolved.

This company has more than one building. I think I might ask to be transferred to a whole new building, but that isn't likely. That would be ideal though. I would feel so much safer.

[NumbLotus]

If you can keep your non labor job and transfer to another building, that would be ideal.

I might point out to HR that you trying to get away from him show it's not mutual. You want peace and to do your work for them well. That's all you want.

I know staying comes at a cost including potentially physical health. Still, my H has two permenant injuries from his previous job (back and knee), not fully incapacitating or anything but they permenantly affect him and have reduced his physical capacity - forever. From that point of view I greatly hesitate to see you take the floor job. I'd try every alternative first, asking for building transfer, and even just toughing it out first. Obviously I'd reevaluate if something changes, like you fear for your physical safety from him. Even then I'd be thinking along the lines of legal options or somehow getting unemploymemt if at all possible.

Document all interactions with him and with HR.

[Sadpanda]

If you can keep your non labor job and transfer to another building, that would be ideal.

I might point out to HR that you trying to get away from him show it's not mutual. You want peace and to do your work for them well. That's all you want.

I know staying comes at a cost including potentially physical health. Still, my H has two permenant injuries from his previous job (back and knee), not fully incapacitating or anything but they permenantly affect him and have reduced his physical capacity - forever. From that point of view I greatly hesitate to see you take the floor job. I'd try every alternative first, asking for building transfer, and even just toughing it out first. Obviously I'd reevaluate if something changes, like you fear for your physical safety from him. Even then I'd be thinking along the lines of legal options or somehow getting unemploymemt if at all possible.

Document all interactions with him and with HR.

I decided to take the floor job. I can always get dr notes if I need to and it's only a year. Honestly thinking about seeing him again was bringing me such strong anxiety attacks. I'll never be able to heal and move on and sometimes I'm scared I'll let him hoover me back because I'd rather submit and obey him than have to deal with his wrath. He's relentless too and hes so good at doing it sneakily. It drives me crazy because no one sees what a monster he is. Atleast now I'm free. He can't control me anymore. The department I moved to is on the other side of the building, different start times and break times. They also have their own breakroom that I'll be using now so even if he tried to take late breaks to find me I wont be in that main lunchroom. If I ever see him again it'll be super rare and just in passing. He wont be able to manipulate supervisors to hate me, coworkers to think I'm gossiping them and he was threatening to get me kicked off that desk job anyways. What if i went back to that department and he succeeded in that? Then I'd be doing nasty labor and I'd be stuck with his non stop silent harassment that I cant prove.

[NumbLotus]

You know your situation better than anyone else ever could. I'm very glad you made a decision and it seems like you have some relief from it. That tells you a lot.

[Sadpanda]

You know your situation better than anyone else ever could. I'm very glad you made a decision and it seems like you have some relief from it. That tells you a lot.

Well I started there and it is very demanding psychically and repetitive. I'm hoping my body just needs time to acclimate. I'm very sore today, but I didnt see my ex at all so that was relieving. The only thing that keeps me going now is thinking of school and praying God will get me out of this nightmare someday. I'm also very saddened at the loss of my coworkers though which I didn't think of. I worked with them for 9 years down there and made some very close friendships. A few of them drove down to my department to see me. I really miss that because it made the job easier. We would joke and laugh, share stories, food, advice etc. I'll prob make new friendships down here too, but that takes time.