Poll: Did you go out with a bang or a whimper? Or How much C is in your NC?

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NotLost

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A) Was your NC explosive or measured?

48 years. Explosive from sibling/other side, and I ghosted. They knew I was at my end when...

B) How much contact with cbpd since then?

...they never heard peep out of me again. Three years, Zero contact. I sometimes wrestle with whether I was too brutal about that but I've not found a good reason to re-connect even with medical/dementia issues. In my heart and head I realize they never had me in their picture in this point of our lives. They let me know that all through the years so, I am often surprised by the guilt I do not feel. I've thought about it during the pandemic too, that I'm a bad person for not wanting contact. That I SHOULD feel a need so intense to re-connect...but I just don't.
Not all who wander are lost  - J. R. R. Tolkien

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blacksheep7

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Went nc for three years a first time 10 years ago with a bang after NM pulled a narc rage at me new year's eve which brought on ptsd (I didn't know what it was at that time).  Rages from my narc father when I was younger.  NM was the ignoring covert narc.  She still defends deceased NF.

I did not seek therapy after that, I don't know why having been in and out of it all my life.  I should have because I paid a heavy price, the internal Rage stuffed down for decades surfaced and got me mentally and physically very sick.

I gave her a second blind chance. :stars:

Second and definite  nc,  four years later in May 2017.  This time I did the work.
I will not be attending her funeral!  My children have just been advised last month.
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

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Liketheducks

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Dad - whimper.  NC/VLC for 30 years....limited contact of about 10 times during that period.   We're currently talking, again as of yesterday.
Mom - Bang - NC/VLC for 3 1/2 years.  Contact is limited to text messaging (so she has a record of it :stars:)  and two visits with other family to my home for meals 3 years ago during the holidays.    I'm her black sheep right now.

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KeepingMyBlue

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Explosive, screaming over the phone, telling her NO  :aaauuugh:
Zero contact. I won't let ppl tell me how she is beyond, "okay" I tell them I gave up any right to know those details, but really, I just don't want the nightmares.
3 years

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Lillith65

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Explosive.

Apart from one phone call in December and a Facebook message from my cousin about my uPDS I am NC for two years. I told my cousin not to get in touch again about my sister and my partner delivered the medication that my uPDM requested.
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - anonymous.

Part of my story: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54885.msg488293#msg488293
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54892.msg488385#msg488385

NC uPDM; NC uBPDSis

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Fortuna

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A) Was your NC explosive or measured?

Measured. For years my uNmom walked the line of one big thing and it was NC. Then after several smaller things right one after the other, I realized constant small things are how she operated and it was no less crazy-making. In one phone call I endured her justification for completely ignoring a boundary I had explicitly stated, stepping over another that as implicit because it was something she always made sure everyone else always did including her self right up until she knew it wouldn't let her get away with first boundary stomping. All of this surrounded by name calling massive guilt trips where she trotted out what 'other' kids were doing and how I must not lover her, etc. After thinking about it for a week or so I decided to initiate NC after her visit (didn't want to think how things would go if she had a ticket and a reason to flip.) She was in that false stepfordish scary nice they get after they know they 'won' for the visit. Very surreal. I realized I could get out now while the escalations were 'minor' or wait until something worse happened. It was a matter of when not if.

B) How much contact since then?
Sent a text and email stating a brief reason for and what I expected from NC a bit over 4 months ago. Since then I've got a voice mail that I listened to and confirmed the fact she can't see past her own wants. I've gotten a text I did not read and a letter that I did not read but am keeping in case there needs to be legal action. From me, not a peep. I will go to the funeral since I'm the one that has to deal with her stuff after anyway (planning on donating her houses to charities helping people she's disparaged) The only other contact I would be willing to have is to be a meat shield if my kids want to contact her after they are adults, but that is in a purely psychological bodyguard kind of way.


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Yael924

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So sorry to post and run fellow travelers..

But your stories pierced my heart. It felt like a hot needle slightly left of center. It made me gasp in pain. All my dissociative activities, which include rating, sorting, figuring, trying to logic it out; all fell away. I was really just confronted with the horror that is our families.

And although some of the anecdotes were so similar I could have written them myself; I still had that familiar pang of bafflement. Who does this to their own children? How can this be? How is it that our abusers never sought meaningful help for themselves? And since the so called healthy adults let the awfulness continue, how do the enablers/Enforcers live with themselves? It made me feel like I was underwater.

I have no words for the terrible feeling, but I think you all can relate.

So I had to step away to do some much needed work on myself, to regain some sense of equanimity.

It's good to know I'm not alone -- but I feel so desperately sorry for everyone who posted here. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve to be treated this way.

But each of us is brave enough to share to help another person. So I'm also proud of how far we have come.

Thank you for all who shared. It is clear to me that the article I referenced in my first post can stay hidden in the interwebs. Our truth is to complicated to be summed up so tidily as its author implies.

Peace to you all.
~Yael924

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BerneseMtnMom

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Out with a bang or a whimper?
It was a bang.  I had a phone call with an attorney at 9am to discuss my elderly uNPDf and NPDSis and the problems we were having with his care.  I told my NPDSis at 8am that I was going to call the attorney and BANG, she flew into narcissistic rage.

I think I did everything backward, because I revoked my role as secondary POA for healthcare for my father on that day, went no contact at the recommendation of the attorney, then started with a therapist about a week later.  Then, I realized Dad and Sis were narcissists, and then everything made sense.

I was full NC for about 6 weeks with Sis.  I am a 50% share of the financial POA, so we have been texting and e-mailing about finances, but I have set a hard boundary about Dad's healthcare and will not discuss with her.  It is her way or the highway.

In total, two months have passed since the bang.  I am learning, with the help of a therapist and other resources, what narcissistic abuse is.  I am really hurt, still. The flying monkeys are circling as we speak.  But I have tackled problems before and I will get there.  Thank you for this forum.