Providing for uBPDh

[Deluded]

"If we accept responsibility for our borderline and handle their duties and responsibilities, we are essentially handling "their stuff" rather than our own. "
This is from the main page on boundaries.  Is this always true?
I have been sole provider  for my family for more than 10 years. UBPDh says his PTSD prevents him from getting along with people making him disabled and unable to work. Hasn't looked for work in years and tells me I will have to take care of him for the rest of his life.  He says even if I became disabled and couldn't work he wouldn't be able to get a job and take care of us.
I'm conflicted on this. I know I have enabled him for years. I've always had the goal of never getting divorced as we are one flesh. But it also seems so unhealthy for both of us. He refuses all treatment options because nothing helped in the past and he's so much smarter than a therapist or anyone in group therapy.   He makes it impossible to respect him and he seems so effeminate to me because he won't man up and provide for his family.
There's no incentive for him to ever change because I provide for all of his needs. It seems like an impossible situation with no good solution. 
Any advice is greatly appreciated.  I don't even trust my own judgment anymore.

[GettingOOTF]

My BPDxH didn’t work for most of our marriage. He had various reasons for it including health.

He has been working the entire time we have been divorced. He simply didn’t want to work and I enabled him in this by picking up the slack.

I have come to firmly believe that if people, including myself, have issues that prevent them from working, making friends, being loving, giving and contributing partners then they need to do all they can to address any issues that they can.

What is your husband doing about his PTSD? This is something there is treatment for. There are so many free resources available so even if therapy etc. not an option there is self-guided treatment, information on the internet and in libraries.  For me I guess it would come down to whether he was actively trying to improve his situation or not.

My ex took advantage of my good nature and my desire to never divorce. My views on divorce kept me in an abusive marriage and did irreparable financial damage to me. I am decades behind where I should be but I am thankful every day for the life I have. Someone once told me “God didn’t make you so that you could be small”. That was a turning point for me.

Reading Codependent No More was also a big turning point for me. I recommend it to anyone in these relationships.

[veritas]

I don't really know what he would do to provide for your family. What I believe is certain is that he will take care of himself, I would not worry for his comfort too much. PD people are crafty and won't go without even if that means having to get up and get a job to provide for themselves. As for your children, I hope you can be their provider until they leave the nest and establish themselves and then you have completed your mission. You are not your husband's mom, even if you have been taking care of him all this time. If you were incapacitated know he will be ok. Take care that you don't drive yourself into the ground and have a safety net for yourself should you need to stop working. The safety net might include him, but the first person you need to look out for is you since he has shown he cannot be counted on.

[Concerned One]

I have CPTSD and I've held down my job the past 13 years.

[Mary]

After many years of being the enabling breadwinner while my uNPDh played and piddled--working off and on, I cut back to part time. It came at a time when we moved out of state. He found a job and I conveniently did not. It started WWIII but he is still working full time several years later and I am still part time. I told him I just can't do it all. God has provided. My husband is content with alot less now. He has gotten really good at grilling smoked meats instead of eating out so much. I have a life now and am much less resentful that what I earn is being squandered. Now I'm in the process of setting a boundary to save some instead of handing it all over to be spent.