Ascended on . . .

[Adria]

I have been so upset.  My daughter called the other night and informed me and dh that her, her husband, three children and three indoor rabbits were on their way to our small home three hours away.  They didn't call and ask, they didn't even ask if they could bring three animals they wanted to keep inside the house (because they have a huge house and the bunnies live inside their house in a room.)  On top of that, they didn't offer to bring food during this crisis or toilet paper which we are low on and can't find.

They came and literally trashed my house for the last three days.  It seems to be getting worse each time they come and dh and I can't take the stress anymore. I sat in a park the whole time they were here because it was just too much. 

The worst part is, is they have a travel trailer that they could park up the street, but the won't. I've made the suggestion kindly to no avail.  I just plain can't do this anymore. We feel so disrespected every time they come.  It's not the kids, it's the parents who don't make the kids mind or follow a couple simple rules at our home.  I didn't raise my daughter this way.  They come to our house and literally sit on the couch for days on end. They don't take the kids out to give us a break, and we are the ones doing the cooking and cleaning.  I'm done. Can't do it anymore. She doesn't know it, but next time they are going to have to stay at a hotel or in their trailer. Any other thoughts on this would be appreciated. I'm afraid it could really damage our relationship, but I almost don't care anymore.  Sorry for the rant, but I'm still reeling.

[bloomie]

Adria - I'm sorry you are going through this making a tough time tougher. That up against the wall feeling you describe - that anger - is usually an indicator to me that my boundaries have been violated and needs have not been met. Just offering my support that the next time you get that call you will be able to hold a kindly stated boundary that you cannot host them at this time.

Good luck with this and let us know how this goes!

[Adria]

Thank you for your kinds words, Bloomie.

I'm very nervous about the next time she says she's coming to visit. I wish I could just tell her now and get it over with, but don't want to start any sooner than I have to.  Dh and I have been sick ever since they left because of the stress and been doctoring.  My friend says we shouldn't do it anymore because we have been through too much.  I guess it's time we learn to say no to the kids and take care of ourselves. I'll keep you posted.

[bloomie]

Adria - it is especially hard with our most treasured relationships to try and make changes ime when chaos and taking advantage of you has already been allowed. There is a lot that matters dearly to you at stake.

I remind myself that the very best hope for continued loving relationships is for me to hold some reasonable boundaries in particular around my sacred space... my home even with my adult children and grandchildren who I adore.

There is a great podcast that one of our hero members all4peace recommended a bit ago that I have been listening to and it is so good and may bolster and help you as you consider how to handle this going forward. It is called Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries, hosted by Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW and can be found here: https://beyondbitchy.com

Sending you strength and wisdom.

[Adria]

Wow, Bloomie,

Thanks. I was scrolling through looking at the titles. I know what I'll be doing this afternoon.  Looks like just what I need.

the next time you get that call you will be able to hold a kindly stated boundary that you cannot host them at this time.

I like your line. Clean and simple. 

As always, thank you for your wisdom. Hugs, Adria